It is because guess what…you can’t regret anything if you say everything you feel. If you know you tried everything in your power to make the relationship work, then you can leave with no “what if’s.” I hope for your sake that isn’t the case I’ve just always found that I’d prefer a guy being fully honest and upfront with me then feel they need to walk on egg shells around me. Remember communication in all areas of life but especially relationships is key to making it work long term. We aren’t mind readers!! :]
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@Foxtrot Sup dude, congrats on the 90 days its a huge step, i have the same addiction even though im currently working on it and dont plan to ever do it again. Realisticly it is one of the most addictive things a man can do and might be harder than ,for example, tobacco addiction since ur libido is natural and many man watch porn since an extremly young age. However if u manage to hit 90 days and ur that comitted it is just extremly unrealistic that ur wife treats u that way because u watch porn. Only thing i can say is take the red pill. A good decision would be to read the rational male by rollo tomassi or look him up on youtube.
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Hey @Xrxz Welcome to the community, thank you for the response, I tend to agree with that. I’ll add that to my list of things to check out, it’s getting quite long lol.
@mleclaire I’m going to attempt to bring her to a counseling session with me and say the things I want to say, that’s the only way I’ll be able to, is with a mediator there, otherwise it will turn into either her yelling at me and I just usually leave, because me being calm and rational just makes her even more angry I think, or she just ignores me. But yes it has to be done. I just dread it.
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As hard as it might be ever suggest having a really candid conversation with your girlfriend. Her letting herself go isn’t healthy in any relationship, and especially knowing that some of this will involve some triggers for your addiction. Yes she deserves someone who accept her as she is, but when you meet someone you should continually try to Chase them. Trying to be the best version of yourself for that person. It sounds like in the wake of motherhood, post partum has pushed her towards just letting herself go and that’s not OK at all. I would suggest marriage counseling right away because she may not accept that answer or like to hear that, but she needs to. Congratulations on your 90 days and keep pushing!
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Hey @tacticool We are kind of in the midst of couples counselling right now, I’ve gone on my own to three sessions, and brought what the counsellor gave me home for us to work on. Sheets to help you understand the drama triangle and what role you can play in it and also how to get out of it. Sheets that describe how to phrase your feelings and address problems tactfully. Resentment list and love list exercise, and others. I got those about a month ago and have slowly picked away at them. I am in the process of booking our first together session of counselling and making arrangements for my daughter to be looked after. I feel the only way I’ll be able to say what I need to, is with the therapist there to mediate the discussion. I feel bad that I’m upsetting things, like I’m the only reason we’re having problems. But I can’t help the way I feel and I can’t force myself to be intimate with someone, simply because it’s demanded of me. I have tried though on many occasions to be.
Sometimes I feel like I’m just being too selfish and my happiness isn’t a priority anymore, and I should just try to suck it up, so I get to live with my family and wake up with my daughter in the same house, and that I’m just being shallow.
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@Foxtrot, thanks for sharing your story. I’ve struggled with sex and love addiction most of my life. Now 6 years sober, and I first learned about the drama triangle in in-patient rehab. I admire your resolve to work things out for your girlfriend, and I believe your children will appreciate your effort regardless of outcome.
What I learned from the drama triangle is I tend to mainly take the role of rescuer. Since rescuers rarely get rewarded for their efforts, I would get resentful and turn into the persecutor. Since I felt no one was taking care of me, I turned to acting out to self-medicate emotional hurt and self-reward.
Just know you’re not alone, and there are many empathetic hearts here to let you be you. Good luck and keep coming back!
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You’re doing a really great job and I understand completely about feeling selfish. Just know that your needs are totally valid, it’s just that we addicks tend to lose track of what balance really means. It sounds like you are on the right path. Just try to keep always moving forward
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@dot.dot.dot I have a shame based personality and typically play the role of rescuer in most confrontations. I am very reasonable however and 90% of the time can keep very calm and collected, but I think that bothers my GF more than anything. In most of the major decisions in our life though when she wants something a certain way and gets angry, I just give in, even if I’m not truly happy with the decision, I hate to make people angry and I’ll do whatever it takes to avoid confrontation. I hate myself for that behavior, it seems cowardly.
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I just have to say that you being able to achieve 92 days of sobriety at this stage of your recovery is an amazing feat. Would like to know what you changed in your life that’s been helpful and getting you this far.
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@KevinesKay Hey I actually tried quitting long before I met my GF just to see how long I could last, but I could never go more than a week, but that was more or less just an experiment. When I was a kid porn was new and exciting and I didn’t know enough to feel guilt or shame about watching it. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I started realizing it was unhealthy.
Once I started dating my current GF, I didn’t feel the urge to use it for almost a year until we moved in together, which I was a little reluctant to do but did anyway. Porn crept back into my life and our sex life started dwindling, when she found out I tried to quit but had no real plan in place so it was relapse city. Then my girlfriend got pregnant (there’s some resentment here for me but I won’t get into it). Anyway I was actually clean and tracking my days on this app for almost a year before my daughter was born. Until one night my GF accused me of watching again, even though I was clean, and after that I felt like all my struggle and effort meant nothing and I relapsed. After my daughter was born my desire to quit permanently and heal my mind grew really strong so I knew it was time to put the work in, as in really using this app to its full potential, checking in, using the group to hold me accountable and seeking out counselling. It’s taken me forever to finally decide what kind of person I want to be and 92 days isn’t my longest clean stretch but I really feel good this time around, different than my last time. I’m doing it for me not just for my family. I want it now more than ever. Sorry for a long story but I’ve been battling this addiction for a long time and success for me has been a gradual thing.
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Awesome testimony that you have @Foxtrot. Thanks for sharing.
Our children can be major incentives for us go in a different, better direction.
My wife accuses me of acting out a lot. The accusations are often unfounded. But since she’s been hurt by my relapsing before, it’s hard for her to trust.
She loves me, though. I cannot deny that. Otherwise, she wouldn’t get so jealous when she notices me being attracted to someone else, or vice versa. And she wouldn’t be so hurt when I act out. And she wouldn’t have had children with me.
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I’m the same way and can relate when you say shame based personality - I have done things in my past I’m not so proud of and have hurt my boyfriend dramatically bc of it…Hell at one point during my downward spiral I totally was a sex addict but can’t base it on the fact alone that I’m an alcoholic and spent the past ten years drunk from morning to night so it does take a toll, especially when you’re fighting to just give in and say you’re wrong even if you’re not. I’m only 4 and some change months sober so I’m no expert but individual counseling for addiction is where it’s at. Have you ever considered just doing the twelve steps? I don’t do meetings or any of that stuff but I had a severe mental breakdown the other week where I realized my mind has been trying to protect me from things by blocking out parts of my past. The twelve steps which anyone can do just helps you come to terms with some shit. And yes the past may be in our past but it’ll always haunt us if we stay running from it . Idk I’m no expert but after reading more into this thread I can deff relate
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@mleclaire I have considered the 12 steps, but I have a problem with the religious undertones, but I know that’s not a great reason to not do it. I would just need to find a way to get passed that.
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I’m the same way. I don’t look it at all religiously-if you take that out it becomes easier. Like my higher power are my cars. Racing makes me happy, I live for the thrill. Insert whatever it is that gives you that high and pushes you to be better in for the god aspect. It helps. Could be anything honestly, whatever makes you want to be a better version of you :]
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Hi Emilie, I just shared this post with my wife. I am a recovering porn user and for my wife it was very difficult when I disclosed it to her. However we have talked openly and stuck with it, and she has been so, so supportive. Talking about it and working on being better for each other has improved our relationship significantly! Thank you so much for sharing. It means a lot to have your perspective & your story (I believe for my wife as much as for me) 
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