I was first introduced to porn around age 10, later in life it was basically a part of my routine, go to school, get home watch it and play games. It remained part of my routine until about the age of 24 when I met my current girlfriend. During the first year of our relationship I didn’t really use porn and was just so enthralled in my relationship. I started using again after we moved in together and my girlfriend found out and had already dealt with this in a previous relationship, which had ended because of porn. So I tried to quit with mild success but kept failing. Things have been rocky since, but I’m using this app and have gone 90 days since watching.
We had our first child in July 2018, a baby girl who changed my life and I love her so much. But my relationship with my girlfriend is crumbling. We don’t have sex, I love her but I don’t feel that urge to have sex as often anymore and if I do she won’t want to, because she feels that I’m judging her body. She used to exercise but now she doesn’t seem to care about it and I miss her healthy body. I really don’t care about loose skin from her being pregnant but carrying around excess weight and not caring about fitness really bothers me, and I don’t have the heart to tell her. She knows I care about fitness, it’s been a part of my life since cadets and I believe physical fitness and healthy eating are critical to overall well being. I’ve quit gaming, sold my custom built gaming PC, which has been really hard, I’m trying really hard to quit porn.
I just want to be a good father and be there for my daughter, it brings me to tears to think of another man getting to raise my daughter if we can’t make our relationship work. My girlfriend deserves someone who will love her for who she is though, I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m digging a hole and I just want to live a good life with my family while keeping health a priority. Not to play the victim card but I honestly think sometimes that maybe my daughter and girlfriend would be better off without me in their life. I know my story isn’t solely about my addiction to porn but I think porn has really affected my life and my mental health. Thank you for letting me share my story, it feels good to get it out.
Finally good to hear a little more about you. Thank you for sharing. I had no idea that this was your DOC. You keep a very good secret my man. Congratulations on your 90 days. That’s amazing!
I was reluctant to share, so worried about people judging me.
That’s not uncommon. Sex and addiction are both words that are highly associated with shame. There are at least a dozen of us here on TS that are struggling with the same thing that you are. So glad that you have joined us.
Same addiction. I have 5 boys with my wife. Our relationship has always had a dark cloud over it because of my porn abuse. I’m getting better though. Cant say that I’m that good at communicating with my wife about my feelings. I think that’s one bad thing about sex addiction. It makes us turn inward and we have a difficult time sharing emotions.
Glad to see you’re doing so well. Im right there with you. Almost at 90 days myself.
Been there. I’ve frequently thought that. But, that’s not your rational brain thinking. No one should be a better father to your daughter than you. I couldn’t imagine my boys being raised by someone else. I would die of heartbreak.
Yeah! Go Rob! I think that makes four of us that have very similar lengths of sobriety in PMO; you, me, @foxtrot and @Bomdhil. I suppose that makes us sober cousins!
Agreed Rob. The best place for us to be is with our families. The grass is not going to be greener on the other side.
My sober date is April 3rd, 2019. Day 85 currently.
I was thinking more about it. About your desire for your gf to be more active and fit. I’m looking at it from my perspective and not trying to advise you in any way, btw.
My wife has had 5 children. One pregnancy was twins. Her figure was destroyed. I accept that. She’s been off and on fit through our marriage. She’s run half marathons with me and whatnot.
Everyone goes in phases, I suppose.
Hey @Foxtrot, same hook here. Being honest about my story on here has really allowed me to take a step back and think about how to move forward in my life. This forum is truly a fantastic place to be, and I look forward to seeing you around on here.
From the sound of it, you’ve got this in the bag. I’ve found in my 78 days that a stubborn will is necessary to push past urges, but it’s doable, and it’s beatable.
Hey @Foxtrot, welcome! I’m a porn addict too. you and I sound similar in a lot of ways. I don’t have time for a long post. But I did want to commend you for owning up. It takes guts to admit a problem. Thanks for sharing.
“Breaking the Cycle” by George Collins has been super helpful for my recovery. I feel like I didn’t really start understanding my problem until after I read that book. Maybe it could help you.
@Mtrav0040 I will check that book out, thank you. I have been going to therapy sessions and have a lot of home work to do, just need to make the time to do it. So many books to read!
@TheJK I still get urges bad, especially in the rare event I have the house to myself, major trigger for me and beating that has been hard.
@DungeonMaster 5 boys, wow! I can’t imagine life with that many kids, I have a hard enough time looking after one! Earlier in the relationship before our daughter was even born we had issues and I told her I wasn’t attracted to her anymore, which hurt her badly. I used to, on occasion, look at other girls on Facebook and she caught me, so I deleted my account, obviously the porn use as well, I’ve stopped but she doesn’t believe that I have because I’ve ruined her trust, I stopped gaming because that was another addictive avenue for me. I’ve done so much damage and anytime I try to tell her I think she’s beautiful now or build her confidence back up she brushes it off because she knows how I really feel. So I’ve been going to therapy, and I suggested couples therapy which she doesn’t want to do. It’s getting exhausting, and somedays I just want to quit trying.
Thank you all for your support, refreshing to see I’m not alone.
Hey Steven! Although I personally don’t have experience with being addicted to porn, I was on the other side of the coin where my current boyfriend was. He used it in the beginning of our relationship constantly and the one rule I always had was no porn. I thought our sex life was enough but I constantly caught him and saw it on his phone history…he finally one day broke down to me as I threatened our relationship (I did not think I was asking for much) and he explained to me that he had used it so frequently to cope through anxiety and depression in middle school and high school that he didn’t know anything else. He felt a disconnect and wasn’t sure what to do. When he told me this I tried my best to understand and it actually brought us closer. I did what I could to listen and asked what I could do to help him get over this. We figured out more healthy coping mechanisms for when he got stressed (working out, coming to me and talking it out) and we achieved a better sex life. I was very open to do whatever it was he needed to get over that hump. So for you, the best advice I can give to you is talk to your girlfriend. Try explaining to her in the best way possible what you’re feeling and going through. I know it helped a lot for me to hear that it wasn’t me not being good enough, it was something a lot deeper. It made me want to better myself for him so he would never want or need to turn to porn again. Maybe suggest working out together as a couple. All I know is honesty, for me at least, was the right route to go. I wish you the best and congrats on the 90 days.
@mleclaire Wow I wish my GF was that understanding! Whenever I try to talk to her about how I’m feeling, she turns away and shuts down or gets angry and ends up yelling. She said we need to communicate more but then she does that, she wrote me an email once about how she feels so that was a good step, but I told her I wanted to do couples therapy so we could have mediated discussions, and in that environment I would I open up more, but she said it was pathetic that we need that to communicate, but I don’t think it’s pathetic. So I went to a session of couples counseling by myself due to not having anyone to watch over our daughter and got some worksheets and exercises to try with her. She’s reluctantly participating with the worksheets but I feel like she thinks I’m the broken one and I should be responsible for fixing myself. In her defense she was in another another 5 year long relationship before me where her ex used porn and they tried couples counselling, but it didn’t work. So she’s been down this road before and she’s just sick and tired of men with addictions. This is really my first long term relationship and I was hoping it would be my only one.
I’m glad you two were able to work it out, you sound very generous and supportive and your man is incredibly lucky to have you.
You can rationalize her behavior until your blue in the face but if she wants to be with you and make things work for more reason then just you two sharing a beautiful child together, she needs to try harder. Unfortunately it comes hard for a lot of people who dont have addictions to come to terms with it with someone who does…It sounds like you’re putting in a lot more effort than she is. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who treats you well despite your shortcomings. Maybe you both need to re-evaluate the relationship and remember why you are with each other. Sometimes you forget
Hi @Foxtrot, I’m a recovering sex addict as well. After I was “found out” my wife started attending meetings herself and there is no doubt in my mind that it was a major component of saving our marriage (at that time we’d been married 26 years). I had to work my own program and still do everyday but she had to heal herself as well. Have her check out https://www.cosa-recovery.org/ they offer video meetings at all times of the day.
That is very well said, maybe it is time for a hard conversation, I just really suck at confrontation and saying what needs to be said the right way. I guess ultimately I just miss the effort she used to put into the intimate side of our relationship.
Hey @Pirate thanks for sharing. Your wife actually went to SAA meetings? Thank you for the link, I will check into meetings, it’s one thing I haven’t done yet but really want to.
@Pirate is referring to COSA meetings.
That stands for co-dependents of sex addicts. My ex was a member of cosa while I was in SAA. That marriage broke up mainly because I couldn’t stay sober.
I think that every spouse is different. They’re going to react in different ways. My current wife absolutely detests any kind of structured recovery program. She would go ballistic if I went back to SAA. She just wants to be done with it and have me move on so that we can never have to think about porn ever again. She doesn’t understand. So TS is my only support and she doesn’t know about it. It’s better that way. And I’m okay with it. I’ll take what I get and make it work. I’m getting better for me.
And I struggle everyday with this concept of being happy with just one woman. It wouldn’t matter how hot she is, I’m never satisfied with just one. I wouldn’t be satisfied with a dozen.