You still have plenty of time to be a better, present mum. Acknowledging your past mistakes and apologizing for them and doing better is all you can do, and it is enough. The memories will come back, and painful though they are, they are not you anymore. I am amazed at my kids’ understanding and forgiveness. My daughter is around your son’s age. My son is older and remembers my drinking even more clearly.
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You made the choice of sobriety and that is more important than a past that cannot be changed.
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Thank you! I actually went to the store this evening and for the first time in a very long time I did not buy any alcohol. Instead I bought myself a potted flower to plant!
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It’s like God led me here to read this. Bless you. I have tears in my eyes reading this.
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First of all, don’t beat yourself up. You love your son and he knows it and feels it. I too am one of the “horrible mums”, but I’m not trying to comfort you nor myself. The important thing is that you are sober now and you can enjoy the time with your kid, your friends, family and by yourself (I need my “alone” time :-)). There will be ups and downs - my son is 11 and in prepuberty, so we argue a lot as he is stubborn and I’m impulsive, but even on a very lousy day I don’t think about picking up a bottle. Or, if a thought of a drink hits me, I feel repelled by it.
My son knows about my problem with alcohol. He witnessed not a lot of my drama etc, but he used to refer to the drunk me as “weird”.
Later, I talked to him about my alcoholism and about addictions in general, as I wanted him to understand the dangers. We live in a small town so he cannot see drunk, drugged people living on the streets, but we traveled a fair amount of times during the last couple of years (except the Covid ones :-)), so he saw what alcohol, drugs etc. can do to a person. When he asked me why they are homeless, I told him that there is not much difference between us, the “functioning alcoholics” and them. That a person can try to deceive himself and say “oh, but I have a job, a home, a family, I’m not like them”, but the truth of the matter is that we (addicts) are all alike, as we are all slaves. And, since our DOC is our master, we could all end up living under a bridge or on a street.
Sorry for all the digressions 
You can talk to your son about your dangerous relationship with alcohol, if you feel like it. He will understand, as my son did. The fear of me drinking again is still - as he puts it - the biggest of his fears, but, as the time passes by, he is more relaxed.
Keep it one day at a time and forgive yourself.
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I cried the entire time while writing it. It hurts so badly to look back on but at the same time, I’m able to rejoice in this new and improved version of me. I’m able to be the person I need to be for my kid now.
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Thank you everybody for your kind words. I promise I’m not normally so hard on myself. However, I feel like it’s important for me to recognize my wrong doings, especially when it comes to the health and well-being of my child. I understand this may have come off somewhat harsh and I’d like to mention that this is solely based upon my own feelings of my self and my past choices. I am in no way shape or form projecting. If this relates to you, then we have something in common, if not- it’s no biggie, I still appreciate being able to openly discuss how I’m feeling day to day.
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Hi lulu. I absolutely love your name, by the way.
I think it’s awesome that you had an open dialogue with your son about addictions and alcohol and I also did open a dialogue with my son as well. We both cried and I promised him that I will never ever drink again, and I mean it with my entire heart.
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…You had to go through that…to get to where you are now…and that is not bad…so look forward and be well on your journey…
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You are an amazing example of courage and resilience for your children.
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I totally understand these feeling, but honestly, what benefits do these feelings bring?? I worry that focusing on your past will only lead you back to that behaviour . You can’t change what you’ve done so hating yourself for it is not useful. Instead you should love yourself, be proud of yourself, for all the changes you’ve made.
Congratulations on your success so far. It will only get better from here.
YOU CAN DO IT!!
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We’ve all done things that when we look back seem horrible in the grips of your addiction. I was a stay at home dad for a bit after a deployment and I would do the same things. Drinking around my son nonstop and hiding it but everyone knew. But we’re admitting it and seeing we had an issue. You seem like an amazing mother because so many parents who seem sparkly and clean are actually terrible parents with no substance abuse at all and they’ll never admit it. You’re a great mom and I saw your other post. Happy 5 years sober!!! GO YOU!
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Thank you so much :') some days are harder than others but I am trying
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You’re doing good, lady. Some days are very hard but when you do push through the craving you feel like, holy smokes; I think I really can do this!
And you absolutely can. 
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Thank you for your honesty. You’re so inspiring! And you ARE worthy!
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Thank you for the compliment
Just continue this journey called sobriety and you’ll find out that it will get easier and easier as the time passes by. You’ll have cravings, anxiety perhaps, moments when you’ll feel like saying “What the hell…” or feel discouraged. But if you take it literally one day at a time, you’ll grow stronger, more aware that alcohol won’t numb whatever negative feelings you have, won’t make you forget the bad things all of us have done - the only thing that alcohol can do is make them worse and make you feel helpless. That kind of life no one deserves.
Hugs!
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Hope you are doing well and fighting for your self and health.
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How’s it going, Christina? 
Thank you for sharing! It is heartbreaking to struggle with an addiction in front of your child. I too understand the heartache and embarrassment of wanting to be stronger and a better role model. As a single mom, working long hours with a high stress job, I found the cycle to be torture at times as the stress of work, aging parents, taking care of home and my daughter made it easy to make an excuse for drinking wine every night.
There were many time my daughter would ask when we were in store, do you have to have wine tonight or in restaurant. I would give her a response to suggest she was overreacting while quickly ignore the pain that just cinched my heart seeing her face. She is 14 now. My greatest goal is for her to experience and see her mother without it. I want to be the example of managing life and the crazy emotions through meditation, prayer, even crying if i have to… but not drinking every night and every time we go out to eat.
Congratulations on awakening to your truth. Your son is and will be proud of you. It’s showing him a profoud truth about life that is not sugar coated. My daughter is old enough now that we have honest conversation and I have apologized for the times I have failed her and pray for her healing as well as mine.
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