I’m actually disgusted with myself for all of it. And, what it really boils down to for me is the fact that I was a bad mom. No need to beat around the bush, I am addict and because of it I was being a bad mom and that’s the plain and honest truth. I’m embarrassed and ashamed.
I woke up this morning with flash backs from when my son was 5. I couldn’t do anything without drinking. I couldn’t take him to the park without stopping at the liquor store on the way. I used to love taking him to 7/11 before we headed to the park and I’d get us slurpees, but mom had liquor in her slurpee cup. I was, to be as transparent as possible, a trash bag mom.
I was drunk at the pumpkin patch trips. My sister’s entire wedding from start to finish- dress shopping? Drunk. Rehearsal dinner? Drunk.
My sons first field trip was in preschool to the local zoo where,of course, I found a beer stand…
I wouldn’t clean my house unless alcohol was the motivation. Birthday parties? Little liquor bottles in my purse. My poor baby had to sit here and watch me fall a part, watch me crumble, watch me fail over and over again without a clue as to why, too little and too innocent to understand why mom had to drink the way she did.
Yes, I loved my child ridiculously through all of my hardships but that doesn’t change the mistakes I’ve made directly in front of his innocent eyes and I am burdened with the memories of how I failed him.
I got sober for my family.
For my son, who’s seen me messed up WAY too many times. For my mother, who stopped sleeping at night because she couldn’t walk away from her phone thinking she’d get that call that I was dead. And all the rest of my gracious family who loved me regardless of my idiot choices.
My son will be turning 9 this April. And I realized this past winter that he is now old enough to understand what alcoholic is and what happens when you drink it.
We were walking past a house with Christmas decor up and the owner had put a drunk reindeer inflatable in their yard. The can the reindeer was holding, didn’t look like a beer can but the reindeers face was clearly drunk and my son looked to me and said “hey mom look, that reindeer is drunk!!” And it hit me like a truck load of bricks. If I hadn’t quit drinking when I did, it’d be me my child was pointing at.
I’ll never get to go back in time to fix the mistakes I have made, but I vouche to God that I will spend every single day that I am gifted on this earth loving my child as hard as I can, and to be everything he deserves.
I was a bad mom. But I’m not anymore. And I hope one day he knows, I did it for him.