I'm actually disgusted with myself

Your Story
1

I’m actually disgusted with myself for all of it. And, what it really boils down to for me is the fact that I was a bad mom. No need to beat around the bush, I am addict and because of it I was being a bad mom and that’s the plain and honest truth. I’m embarrassed and ashamed.

I woke up this morning with flash backs from when my son was 5. I couldn’t do anything without drinking. I couldn’t take him to the park without stopping at the liquor store on the way. I used to love taking him to 7/11 before we headed to the park and I’d get us slurpees, but mom had liquor in her slurpee cup. I was, to be as transparent as possible, a trash bag mom.
I was drunk at the pumpkin patch trips. My sister’s entire wedding from start to finish- dress shopping? Drunk. Rehearsal dinner? Drunk.
My sons first field trip was in preschool to the local zoo where,of course, I found a beer stand…
I wouldn’t clean my house unless alcohol was the motivation. Birthday parties? Little liquor bottles in my purse. My poor baby had to sit here and watch me fall a part, watch me crumble, watch me fail over and over again without a clue as to why, too little and too innocent to understand why mom had to drink the way she did.

Yes, I loved my child ridiculously through all of my hardships but that doesn’t change the mistakes I’ve made directly in front of his innocent eyes and I am burdened with the memories of how I failed him.

I got sober for my family.
For my son, who’s seen me messed up WAY too many times. For my mother, who stopped sleeping at night because she couldn’t walk away from her phone thinking she’d get that call that I was dead. And all the rest of my gracious family who loved me regardless of my idiot choices.

My son will be turning 9 this April. And I realized this past winter that he is now old enough to understand what alcoholic is and what happens when you drink it.

We were walking past a house with Christmas decor up and the owner had put a drunk reindeer inflatable in their yard. The can the reindeer was holding, didn’t look like a beer can but the reindeers face was clearly drunk and my son looked to me and said “hey mom look, that reindeer is drunk!!” And it hit me like a truck load of bricks. If I hadn’t quit drinking when I did, it’d be me my child was pointing at.

I’ll never get to go back in time to fix the mistakes I have made, but I vouche to God that I will spend every single day that I am gifted on this earth loving my child as hard as I can, and to be everything he deserves.

I was a bad mom. But I’m not anymore. And I hope one day he knows, I did it for him.

60 Likes
2

Tough stuff to realize. Glad you’re sharing your thoughts and feelings. It’s important.

Nope, I can’t change the past either. And I found to accept it as that is key. I own the shitty stuff that I did in my drinking years but I can’t beat myself up over and over about it. It robs my focus from today. Today is what matters.

We weren’t bad Mom’s and Dad’s, we are/were actively sick. Not broken either, just a little bit beat up. We get better and it gets better. Life is now better, tolerable, manageable.

Glad you’re here, Kimmy.

15 Likes
3

I think you’re commendable for doing this. He’s going to grow up and respect you so much for confronting your demons. I think the most inspiring thing a person can do is fail but get up and continue trying and struggling to be a better person. That’s real vulnerability.

9 Likes
4

Thank you so much for your kind words but for me, part of accepting my past is admitting that I was being a bad parent. I put alcohol before my child, alot of times. Sometimes, even before his own safety. I am the only person standing in-between him and the rest of how scary this real world is, it is my job to protect him and I was deliberately putting us in sketchy situations over and over again. I was failing.

I am not this person anymore and I’m so freakin lucky that my son kept his faith in me because now I have the opportunity to flourish with him in our future. I really do thank God for that, every day I wake up to his happy face. I have the chance to do better now, to be better now. And over the past year of my sobriety alone, we’ve moved mountains together :') we’ve made incredible core memories that I know my son will think of for the rest of his life and this time… He gets to remember me sober.

11 Likes
5

:‘) we all do dumb stuff, we all make stupid mistakes. But we have a chance to move forward now and baby, I’m runnin’!!

5 Likes
6

Your post was very raw and real about how we as parents hold onto so much guilt over things we have done while drinking. I appreciate ur honesty and can relate in a sense. My son was and is my biggest motivator to continue on the path of recovery. We often do things while drinking/using that we would never do while sober. We definitely arent our true selves. But i am soooo glad to hear that u have gotten sober. We cant change the past and what was already done but we have the power to change and stay sober. Im sooo proud of you! Try to let the past creep in and haunt u. I know its hard. But all we have is today, this moment. We all make mistakes but its what we do with those mistakes that counts. Ur son is lucky to have a mom like u. Someone that is willing to really live, not just exist :heartpulse:

9 Likes
7

Your words just brought tears to my eyes. I can’t express enough how much hearing that just now means to me. Thank you, truly. I am also so proud of you, fellow momma. Youre right, we can’t change the past but we are changing their future.

5 Likes
8

I really meant that. I truly did. You are a good mom! We are good moms that just got side tracked for whatever our reason was. We are healing now and doing the best we can for ourselves and our family. I have regrets and guilt also. My son always had what he needed and wanted but when it came to me being present, i wasnt that. I was very distracted or too tired or moody bcuz of everything that was going on inside of me. He didnt get the best version of me and i have alot of guilt over that too. But its one day at a time. And we absolutely can stay on this path by being recovery focused and focused on being the best versions of ourselves. Hugs :tulip:

2 Likes
9

This post really hits home for me. Today is day 4 of sobriety for me and this time around feels different. I have 5 beautiful kids and I am 37. Due to alcohol I feel much older then 37, health wise. I have gone through some trials the last several years and my coping skills included drinking and checking out.
My children are everything to me and I want to be sober for them, but also for myself. I have been living in a fog of depression, anxiety and alcoholism. My health is horrible due to drinking and I never have any energy to do anything. I have lost purpose and often felt like my kids would be better off with out me.
Day 4 and I feel like I am strong enough to live sober!

17 Likes
10

And you know what blows my mind about all of that? I feel the exact same way as you, I wasn’t being the best version of me. But what’s crazy, is if you asked my son, he’d tell you he has the greatest mom in the world. He is so forgiving and gracious to me. He tells me all the time “you’re the best mom.” I mean regularly, daily, he just randomly out of the blue will come running just to tell me I’m the best mom. What blows my mind is just how capable are kids are of naturally loving and seeing the best in us. We are truly blessed.

5 Likes
11

Hi momma, welcome.
Your feelings are safe here with us.

I’d like to share something extremely personal with you and I hope you are able to find some sense of comfort in the idea that I’m right here with you.

On September 29th 2021- I attempted suicide. And I was okay with dying because I was truly convinced I was doing everyone, including my son, a favor by ending the vicious revolving door of was my alcoholism. I thought my child would be better off without me. Without me… holding him back, adding stress to his life, the hurt of not being who I was suppose to be to him.

I WAS VERY WRONG.

Luckily, my boyfriend caught word of what I was doing and called the paramedics to my home where they ended up kicking down my bathroom door and dragging me, literally, out of the house and to a hospital where they then proceeding to tie me to the bed, so I wouldn’t get up and leave because I did in fact try to fist fight the nurse, and run out. I was literally forced against my will into a mental unit, and that was single handedly the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Had they not tied me down, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. And right now, I’m so freakin blessed and truly honored to have a chance to live this life of happiness and freedom away from my addiction with my son. And he is the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever seen him too. We are literally thriving out here now and I’ve only been sober for one year. Imagine 10.

You can do this momma, I have the world’s most faith in you.

I was wrong to think he would have been better off without me than he would have been with just a happy, healthy version of me.

10 Likes
12

Yes, unfortunately I have attempt suicide myself. I was on the edge of death and realized I was wrong and called 911. They got to me in time but I spent several days in the hospital and after that 10 days in the psychiatric hospital. That was 2 years ago! And I did well for awhile when I got home but then slipped back in to old habits. Then about 2 weeks ago I got drunk, took several sleeping pills and was hoping I was not going to wake up. Thankfully I did wake up and decided I needed to make a huge change. It took me a few days to get the courage to ask for help and now I am so glad that I did.
I appreciate your kindness and honesty.

6 Likes
13

That’s seriously awesome of you to have made that change of heart and I promise your kids are going to see that and appreciate it, especially as they grow older either their happy momma.

I’m sorry for what you’ve had to go through to get here but you’re here and that’s the most important thing to recognize. I’m proud of you for loving yourself enough to want to get better.

I know it’s not ideal, but there is a medication called Anabuse which is a forced method of not drinking. The medication does nothing to you, unless alcohol is goes into your system. Your system immediately will purge itself- both by vomiting and pooping your brains out and it does happen IMMEDIATELY lol (lucky I have only heard stories of how bad it is, I’ve never actually experienced it myself because I refrained from drinking)

When I got out of the hospital, I didn’t trust myself to not drink, even though I desperately wanted to get clean. So I took anabuse as my safety net to ensure I wouldn’t drink until I felt capable of doing it on my own. I’ve been off anabuse for several months now and wouldn’t even consider letting alcohol touch my lips.

I noticed that first thing in the morning when I woke up is when I felt the most strongly that I wanted to be clean and throughout the day, is when it would slowly dissipate and I’d want to drink. So I took my anabuse right when I woke up and it stopped me from even considering it as an option.

If you struggle to keep going, maybe that’s something you could bring up to your doctor for some added support.

4 Likes
14

I actually started taking Neltrexone Sunday and it has helped. I still think about drinking but I can fight the urge to go and get the alcohol. (So far) But now that I have this, and I plan on looking up online AA meetings I think I can manage it. I have also been telling my mom and sister that I’m sober and counting my days. It helps me be accountable. I would also like to start seeing a counselor again, that seems to help me as well.

3 Likes
15

I love that for you, really. You are making so many great steps in the right direction in such a small amount of time and the will power and strength you’ve already shown is seriously commendable and you should feel proud.

Boundaries are awesome too. My parents are alcoholics and it was very hard for me to not drink with them, since drinking was so normal for us my whole life. But I refused to have that type of stuff in my life after I got clean, I wanted zero temptations so I was pretty adamant with my parents are respecting my new boundaries or cutting ties. Thankfully, they chose to support me. But regardless I was setting those boundaries for myself because God damn it I deserve to have them.

2 Likes
16

“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons” Jim Rohn

I’m a Dad, not a Mom, but I can much relate to that feeling of regret for how I parented when I drank. I lied to myself that I was a good father. I worked hard to provide, and loved my kid. I wasn’t loud, or angry. There were 3 other adults in my house, so she wasn’t unattended. But I was passed out in my easy chair, every night. How many good night hugs and kisses did I miss? How many bedtime stories didn’t get read? I quit when my daughter was 9. She remembers my drinking.

Since then, I’ve tried to make the most of that wasted time, build those memories that will outlast me. To be the husband and father my family deserves.

And you are too. When you feel that gripe of regret, remember that you are redeemed.

9 Likes
17

I actaully spoke to my boys for the first time today about how past me is sorry for everything i did when drunk
I too feel like i spent far too much of thoer younger years drubk and that is the 1 thing that will always haunt me
They are 12 and 14 and my eldest especially tells me how proud he is that ive stopped drinking- thats what makes me carry on being sober!!

My kids are my world and i will never forgive myself for the past but i look forward to being the best mum i can possibly be for the future

9 Likes
18

Thank you for that smitty97.

19

Your story is similar to mine. You are on the right path. You deserve so much more. Don’t waste anymore time.

3 Likes
20

Welcome, Christina; I’m glad you found this place! :wave::slightly_smiling_face:
I think you’ll find a lot of support here, I look forward to seeing you around!

3 Likes