Hi @Gonzolady - glad you’re safe 
I’ve got a couple questions. I’m not asking these to be discouraging. I’m just asking so you can get really clear.
A)
Do you want to be healthy and grounded?
Do you want it? Like really want it?
Or:
B)
Do you want to feel sorry for yourself and how bad you (think you) have it? How rough (you think) your life is? Do you want to hide in self-pity just like you do in alcohol? Neither one requires you to take any real responsibility.
(B) is very tempting. Feeling sorry for yourself is a very comfortable place to be. There’s no risk. You can’t fail if you don’t try. You can’t fail if you have no real expectations of yourself. (I don’t mean hopes or wishes. I mean clear expectations that you hold yourself accountable for, through real commitments to sobriety groups and showing up and keeping in touch with people and talking with people about what’s happening for you day to day, instead of hiding in the familiar numbness of alcohol.)
(A) requires you to set and live up to clear expectations. (A good place to start might be rehab: www.FindTreatment.gov; after that, meetings, every day, multiple times a day if you need or want to: Online meeting resources) It requires you to pay attention to your habits and change the ones that need changing. It requires you to take responsibility and risk. With (A), you can’t hold back; you can’t hide in bad feelings or bad drinking. You can’t hide with A.
Whether you’re hiding in bad feelings and self-criticism (like B) or you’re hiding in alcohol, the result is the same.
The only way out is A.
Either you want it or you don’t. Do you want real responsibility for your life? Yes or no.