I had a relapse on Monday after remiang clean from cutting for 10 months and part of me wants to keep relapsing since I wasn’t quite satisfied, but another part of me wishes time could speed up because I know I can stay clean.
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Hello I hope my thought reaches you in good spirits, as I read your confliction about how your feeling I have to admit I’ve been there a few times. I personally think people cut themselves to bring out any inner pain or suffering they have suppressed and are even as I was unsure of my inner frustrations but as I started to look towards more positivity about myself even as small as waking up to telling myself something I’m thankful for, it helped me realize the golden instead of the grey about how we see the world. Even a good cup of coffee and having a convo with yourself about your goals for the day, anything small thing to help your outlook feel better. It took me a long time to realize the cutting wasn’t ever going to be enough as much as I did for what I didnt know at the time was my inner struggles, I hope you realize the same. Keep your hands and mind busy, stay POSITIVE as hard as it may be and if you need to vent reach out. Best wishes with your journey and good job on reaching out.
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I originally quit cutting because I realized it would no longer serve/ satisfy me the same way but that doesn’t stop the thoughts. Right before the relpase happened I felt as if my body had forgot how to self-harm. As if my brain had put back up ita defense but I acted on it. And now apart me is like well that was a practice relapse. But it will never truly satisfy me so I need to stay strong and resist
You are spot on! I used to say that the act of cutting released all of negative and inner thoughts.
Oh I’ve learned my lesson i need to stay busy. When I’m bored is when thoughts and relapse seem to occur.
It’s actually quite normal to experience the last hurrah or I want to say farewell in some way.
It’s also normal to feel hopeless when the counter resets.
I was never into self mutilation or self harm, but it’s an addiction of sorts none the less. I often fantasized about my own suicide and made a serious attempt that was unsuccessful.
The mind fantasizes about being cured, like I can do this without consequences I can go one last time or just once and have a “release of sorts” and I can pick it up and put it down without a problem, it’s the mind playing tricks on us. It applies to anything, self harm alcohol drugs those dealing with sexual addiction,
The best thing you can do is find a healthier outlet, I can say do meetings get a sober friend therapy but I always believe they are band aids. When the mind encourages self harm, use an different outlet maybe a hobby, or craft, some people even get comfortable with coloring.
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Once you give any addiction an inch it will try to take a mile. I know the frustration of starting at the beginning and just wanting time to hurry up and pass, but that is why we say one day at a time, and just appreciate each sober day.
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Thank you, Thank you! This truly resonated with me. I’ve done therapy and meetings and as you say they are band aids or only part of solution.
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