Fuck. I don’t even know how to feel about this. I’m didn’t think I’d end up in the same situation I was in literally 4 years ago. I’m broke, staying with a friend, no job, literally counting my dollars, stressed, and just wanting to shut it all out. I can’t find a job because of this shit job market, and if nothing gives in 2 months, I’ll be in my car again. Life has never been easy. I just thought by now I’d be stable and now that it’s 4 days until I hit a new decade, it feels bleak and hopeless.
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30 sucks. No one talks about it, but twenty is exciting 30 makes you feel old, and by the time 40 hits you don’t care any more. (I’m 41).
The novelty of you wears off, but the peace of wisdom is still years away. At thirty a person usually peaks at their cons7mer debt, and equity is low.
As far as finances, you said you were living dollar to dollar. Unless you have significant credit card debt, you are doing better than a significant percentage of the population.
If you don’t own a house you aren’t saddled with a 30 year mortgage. Most of the stock market is owned by the those with access to capital and credit.
The only thing that matters in this world is access to credit. Not many average people exist without it any more.
The game is rigged.
I am not discounting your struggle, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Diogenes lived in a jar and made Alexander the Great envious.
If you are kind person who tries to do the right thing then your a damn good human being.
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“the novelty of you wear off,” this is really interesting, can you expand on that - I want to know more. For sure, debt is huge. I don’t have debt - other than a few hundred dollars I have on my credit card, but I pay my monthlies, so I think I’m alright there. I just don’t want to be 30 living in my car with no job or money. I did the living in the car thing already. I like a bed and a bathroom that is readily available. You are 100% right. The game is rigged. But, like, I can only do what I’m doing and I don’t really have control over the outcome only trying everything I can to be able to have a decent outcome - or at least the best bad outcome. I just don’t know how to not feel like a failure.
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“The novelty of you” is the phase where the own ego or self in no longer sufficient to sustain happiness. When you said you are afraid of feeling like a failure, it implies there is some standard for accomplishment that is measurable. That does not exist.
Failure is relative, and the third decade is often where the confidence of youth and the wisdom of age begin to sort themselves out. Wondering if your a failure just means you are examining yourself and your values. With the right perspective it can be aa healthy experience, but it’s damned difficult.
If you are concerned with your accomplishments you are measuring yourself against a standard that can be failed. So who sets the standard? You, society, or the current elephant in the room? (Social media 
)
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Plus most people your age are 10s, if not 100s of thousands of dollars in debt. You are quite legitimately doing better than a lot of Americans, just without the look. Look at the cold, hard facts of net worth and consumer debt. Most people are underwater. Not you.
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You’re about to enter an entirely new decade of your life. You get to chose how you spend it.
My 20s were solidly okay. My 30s have been wild! In fact, I have experienced more healing in my 30s than at any other point in my life. I’ve lived in my car with a dog and 2 cats. I’ve lived in 2 campers and a broken down church bus. But, those were some of my spiritually best times. I learned to trust God to receive my daily bread. I learned how important it is to count my blessings in order to keep my head afloat. I also learned that you will always find what you look for—i suggest you spend this next decade looking for peace and joy…even in the midst of struggle and suffering.
Suffering plants seeds that eventually bloom into empathy and patience when watered and given enough sunlight; otherwise they grow bitter and resentful.
Feel your feelings.
Turning 30 felt odd, surreal almost. But it’s still young. Except now your body grows hair in weird places, like a second puberty.
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When i was 34 i came home to stay with my elderly parents lost everything my wife my house my companies i was broke decided id do something about it went to a Meeting met new friends was willing to make the effort today im still sober and my life is ok travel alot and have a few hobbies that keep me busy still go to meetings ,wish you well
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Wow, you hit it on the head. That’s exactly what I’m doing - examining myself and my values. In doing so, I am confused as hell LOL. The ego or self no longer sustains happiness is a really interesting statement for me. I take that as both finding joy outside of yourself AND also spending more time outside your inner world (one’s mind). I so desperately don’t want to be a narcissist, like my parents, yet self-reflection and concentrating on myself is what is helping process trauma and be healthier.
You are right about failure being a construct of societal and your own pressure to be “normal,” “successful in your own right,” or “a productive member of society.” ??? I never share my situation with people I don’t trust because it looks BAD. I’ve felt alright about my situation in my 20’s because it “made sense” given the stuff that happened and “you know, you’re still in your 20’s.” Now circling back to the Literal same situation at 30 doesn’t feel right. Maybe that’s where the failure idea comes from - taking steps forward and then so many back that you just find yourself in the same place.
Sorry this is long!!
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Starting with nothing is better than starting in the minus thousands of dollars. That’s a good perspective. Even the people that have “stable” income are drowning in debt that will kick them in the ass later or even in the present. I really didn’t think about that before.
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So you know exactly what I’m talking about. Wow, two cats AND a dog! Did you have a minivan? I had a Prius the first time and now I got a Camry. A camper would be great. I would totally buy one if I could and park it or travel with it if its running properly. I agree with you there. Living in my car and having those hardships did teach me a great deal and made me stronger. I know now that within crisis I can handle it - just wish things were different.
Feeling my feelings is a tough one for me. I want to soothe them or divert them because they’re too painful. That’s why I distract myself with productive stuff, reading, nature, TV, or friends. I’m not really great at handling that yet.
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Oh and no extra hair here, I’m a girl LOL
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Thank you friend 
I’m finding this forum to be really helpful with finding people that understand and support one another.
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Buckle up….
The hair will arrive unannounced.
One day you’ll look in the mirror and go: hold up.
It’s a hair right below your earlobe. Just a single hair.
That’s how it starts.
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@Shaw I think you may find some inspiration in this book. I came across it some years ago and it really made me examine exactly what I wanted out of life. It is a pretty cool story too when you get to the end!
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I’m going to look and see if I can find it in the library. This sounds awesome, thank you!! Right up my alley. Plus I love to read
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