I'm having a hard time quitting

[Deedeemegadoodoo]

Hi,

I’m new on this app and have no idea whether or not there’s a certain guideline. So excuse me if I use language that’s too specific or triggering. Please let me know how to improve

I have been smoking weed since 13, after my dad died. A slew of drugs followed. Between my 13th and 23 (now) I’ve tried almost everything from uppers to downers to psychedica and didn’t seem to have a problem. I almost never had urges for hard drugs so I kinda thought I was above addiction… But alcohol is/was a slippery slope. I’m still in the phase of not being sure whether or not to call myself an addict, but recently I’ve started to scare myself.

As stated, I never felt addicted to harddrugs, but when I look back, I was pretty much an alcohol since my first sip. My dad used to give me sips of his beer and I’d sneak downstairs at night to drink the leftovers (at 6 years old) Around 12, I started stealing their booze and around 13 I’d hang around stores asking strangers to buy me vodka. Then boom: grief, it hit like a brick. I remember countless times blacking out, getting dropped home by police or my mom having to come get me.

As I grew older, I kept drinking but became better at functioning. Better at hiding it. Normalising it. Especially when I turned 18 (legal drinking age). It was completely normal for me to drink 8 beers and/or a bottle of wine “after having a long work day”

After moving out with my boyfriend we started mixing alcohol with uppers. I was recentely diagnosed with autismn, adhd and bpd and my use has led to extreme breakdowns and general bad behaviour.

Weed honestly helps me through the days. I’d like to be in control, but when I quit, my suicidal ideations become stronger. Alcohol is the real problem. I take it with my anti-depressants and uppers, and calm myself down with the weed.

Recently I went to my first NA and it felt wonderfull. But I did have a relapse 3 days ago… I feel so guilty and so ashamed. I don’t exactly know what happened but apparently I though by toilet was in my living room and my partner had to stop me from peeing there/ guiding me to the bathroom.

Any tips for a new sobriety girly?? I honestly wanted to only quit hard drugs , try to limit my drinking (as I’m so young and don’t want to miss out on all the fun). But I fear that isn’t an option. Any advice? :)) sorry for the long message, I just had to clear my heart.

[Butterflymoonwoman]

Welcome to the forum!! I love ur post and the honesty and vulnerability in it. Thank u for sharing a bit of ur story

@Deedeemegadoodoo

I’m still in the phase of not being sure whether or not to call myself an addict, but recently I’ve started to scare myself.

Only u can determine if u are an addict or not, but in all honesty… people who dont have an issue with drinking or drugs, dont worry about or question their use and wether they may be an “addict” or “alcoholic”. The “normies” dont even think tiwce about it. I found that when i started acknowledging my problem and coming to terms with the fact that i truly was an addict, i was able to face my problems head on and begin the process of recovery

I too have BPD and it was a huge factor in my using and self harming behaviours. Have u recieved any help for ur mental health? Like therapy (DBT) or meds or anything? That can help alot not only for ur BPD but also for ur recovery. It did for me anyway.

@Deedeemegadoodoo

I did have a relapse 3 days ago… I feel so guilty and so ashamed

Im so glad u went to ur 1st NA meeting! Try not to beat urself up over ur relapse. This is all new for u and it can take time to learn new and healthier coping skills. We as addicts and alcoholics, turn to drugs and alcohol naturally as that is what we have been doing for years. But the longer we stay away from all substances, the sooner we can rewire our brains to turn to other coping techniques instead.

@Deedeemegadoodoo

I honestly wanted to only quit hard drugs , try to limit my drinking (as I’m so young and don’t want to miss out on all the fun). But I fear that isn’t an option

To be honest, and im only speaking from my own experience, but i had to quit all drugs and alcohol in order to recover. One often lead to the other or when i quit one, the other addiction got worse. So to truly gain the benefits of recovery, i had to wuit it all. And in fact, im happy i did. Im not missing out on anything to be honest, except for all the negative consequences that came with drinking and using drugs lol. No more financisl debt, no more health issues, risk of dying, emotional distress, relationship problems, the list goes on n on.

Take it one day at a time friend Continue to attend ir NA meetings and definitly use this forum as support if u like. See where recovery takes u

[Dan531]

@Deedeemegadoodoo

don’t want to miss out on all the fun)

It doesn’t sound like you’re having fun with drugs or alcohol so I don’t think you’ll be missing out on any fun. I get it though fear of missing out is a normal trick that our brains play on us.

My tip would be to accept reality, you cannot control your alcohol or drug use, you are powerless once they enter your bloodstream.

It’s a brave step to admit there’s a problem and it’s normal to want to try everything to **control** (I know I sure tried, and failed miserably).

You are on the right path, you know there’s an issue, you know that you can no longer lie to yourself about it.

Welcome to TS, I’m glad you’re here .

[JVKE]

@Deedeemegadoodoo

I feel so guilty and so ashamed

don’t be too hard on yourself, most of us have relapsed before too. You’re better off forgiving yourself, figuring out what caused the relapse, and moving forward having learned from your mistake. Don’t give up

@Deedeemegadoodoo

Any tips for a new sobriety girly?? I honestly wanted to only quit hard drugs , try to limit my drinking (as I’m so young and don’t want to miss out on all the fun). But I fear that isn’t an option. Any advice? :)) sorry for the long message, I just had to clear my heart.

@Butterflymoonwoman

quit all drugs and alcohol in order to recover.

this is what i’ve heard from most other people also

@Dan531

accept reality, you cannot control your alcohol or drug use,

I think this is sound advice @Deedeemegadoodoo.

Besides, if you find that you aren’t an addict or alcoholic, the drugs will always be there to go back to.

[Deedeemegadoodoo]

@Butterflymoonwoman

I too have BPD and it was a huge factor in my using and self harming behaviours. Have u recieved any help for ur mental health? Like therapy (DBT) or meds or anything? That can help alot not only for ur BPD but also for ur recovery. It did for me anyway.

Yes! Since about 13, I’ve tried DBT along with almost every other treatment. But my real experience wasn’t being validated, as I was only diagnosed with ADHD. It’s only been 6 months since my BPD and Autismn diagnosis, and that took 3 hospitalisations before getting help.

But I’ve now finished group therapy, I’m doing EMDR (which is tough but so far effective) and am in the process of treating my addiction. I just can’t seem to find the will to stay strong when I’m triggered.

[Deedeemegadoodoo]

@JVKE

Besides, if you find that you aren’t an addict or alcoholic, the drugs will always be there to go back to.

I value your opinion/ advice, but what’s important to keep in mind is my suicidal tendancies. As soon as I try to supress urges, I find myself escaping in other sorts of self-harm. Sometimes that’s cutting/headbanging or burning, but in extreme cases I try to attempt to end it.

So I know I need to stop drinking, and especially need to stay away from hard drugs. But if I quit everything at once, I’m gonna go crazy and get admitted inpatient (4th time) again.

So I know I can always go back, that’s not the problem. What I fear is completely sober me, bpd and all.