I'm now the "sober one" in our marriage

Hi everyone, I am 1 year and 3 months alcohol free today

My Hubby went away on a boys trip for five days, he just got back today . His voice is hoarse and he’s very hung over.

I don’t like to go out and do much these days , so while he was away I prefered to stay home, that’s all I did, stayed home. Taking care of our young daughter keeps me busy, her and I like watching movies and going on walks with our dog and just playing games . This way of being has become my comfortable safety bubble. That plus doing arts and crafts everyday makes me feel good.

Sometimes I wish my hubby, my life partner was with me on this sober journey. I come on here and try to read about others struggles similar to mine . It helps, I get tips from the comments on how to cope. Right now Im feeling a little bit sorry for myself , Im up in the wee small hours of the night pondering over all these things. Altho hubby has returned from his trip , my reality is I’m with a person who is emersed alot in drinking and smoking weed. I see how much time he dedicates to his habits and it makes me feel a bit , empty towards him, not angry or resentful , I’m past that, I’m at the point where I feel his habbits have created a huge void between us… Most of our associates and friends are weed smokers and big drinkers.

Its definately quiet on the other side , this side …don’t get me wrong, im loving the sober me, just being honest.Most of my life my brain has screamed out loud. Today I’m feeling so clear headed it just feels like I am a foreigner in my own body like who is this person. All I know is I’m changing , I feel myself growing stronger inside… I’ve been with my husband for so long…I can’t imagine life without him…but my mind is starting to go there a lot lately, imagining what it would be like not having to see hubby being driven and impaired by his habbits. I wonder, Is this what happens when people sober up, do you start wanting to drop out of the old scene? Or Is it common for people to just stay in a relationship dynamic like mine…coz to be honest I feel like I’m pulling away…Its like I have a tug of war inside wether or not to break free or to stay…I love my husband, but I realise he’s just not where I’m at when it comes alcohol and drugs, far from it . Hes very much always been gonna do this and gonna do that type of man and tells me he will give up his drinking and weed smoking … one day, he’s done it for the 20+ years we have been together … I give him credit tho, he has been completey free from meth for 5 years. I’m so proud of him for doing that because he was so terrible. But yeah reality is he’s gone from meth back to alcohol and weed again …which is still not good if you ask me because he is our income provider and it is affecting his moods at work and home so badly…he’s so in denial. Oh man, I dunno where yo yo from here… I’m feeling stuck in a rut… Would love to hear others honest thoughts on this… but pls I don’t want to be back and forth with answering questions…would really love to hear others insights or any tips…TIA x Thori


Congratulations on your year and 3 months!!!

It’s hard for sure and I feel for you. My husband and I have been together for close to 30 years and our bonds were formed over alcohol and drugs. I got sober 7 years ago. He continues to drink and is a very functional drinker. He takes a hit or two off a joint every now and again as well. He supports my sobriety. It definitely can feel lonely at times and being on a different path. I think of often of how he supported me when I was at my worst (which was always so much worse than him, he is a very functional drinker, I was a roaring disaster and abusive, messy, yeller, etc etc, missed work, bad choices, totalled cars, the list goes on.). Anyway…he put up with a lot from me + my coke issue, which was disasterous for a long while too. So…I consider that a lot. He isn’t where I was at and I know him and he never will be. He is a good, kind man, a solid provider, giving, fun, active, a good friend and eager to understand stuff he doesn’t understand. The heart of our relationship is mutual respect and love and our family. The only dishonesty or untrustworthiness was on my part. Is he perfect, hell no. Am I, hell no. Is our marriage, hell no. Could things be better, hell yes. Do I work on making them better, sometimes. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, I am pretty comfortable with life where it is. After a lifetime of chaos, what I long for and relish is calm and peace and I have that with him. I won’t say I don’t consider what another life might be like, I do. From my viewpoint, everything you mentioned and feel sounds familiar. And I also think it is always like that in relationships…we always have a choice of do we put in the work.

Only you know the heart of your relationship. If it is worth fighting for. There is no right or wrong, just different paths.

Just my experience. No questions for you. I wish you peace and clarity. :people_hugging::heart:


Congratulations on your year and 3 months Thori. That’s amazing.

I know where you’re coming from. My wife lost her drinking buddy of 38 years when I got sober. It’s been hard. It wasn’t bad the first year or so of my sobriety. I guess I was concentrating on my sobriety and what she did didn’t matter.

Finally I went to Al-Anon because of my concern for my wife’s drinking. Oh what a relief to be in a room with other people who listened and understood exactly what I was going through. And no one interrupted or told me what I got to do. They just listened, accepted and loved me. I couldn’t wait to go back.
I continue to go because my life is unmanageable.

I love my wife.
I love my recoveries.
And I love what I’ve been learning about myself.


This is hard stuff to work through, I relate very much with this feeling. I have good days where I can just focus on doing what makes me happy and forget about my husband’s ongoing alcohol and weed habit. On bad days I feel lonely and resentful. I am more distant and detached. But feelings come and go. Everything is in flux. Congrats on your sober time. @SassyRocks , I appreciate your wisdom so much! And yours too, @Dazercat !:heart:


@SassyRocks @Dazercat @Pattycake You guys… thankyou so much for sharing your story’s with me ,man did I need this :pray: , I too was once way messier in my life, yous brought something back to the forefront of my mind, and that is at my lowest of lows, yes my husband has been there with me and has been my closest companion and we have worked together to keep going.

I feel like I’m turning a corner with all this, but I can reframe it in my mind now like this.

Hubby and I are on the same journey…life… We are in a running race, I’m on the inside lane he’s on the outside .I’m up front he’s lagging out the back, but… he’s still running maybe not as fast , or straight or in the right direction sort of veering off even haha lol… but he’s still going . The main thing is that we both get across the line and don’t drop out of the race, maybe not side by side at this time on some things but I’ll be there waiting to greet him at the end, I’m still his biggest cheerleader in my :heart:. Love bears all things and hopes all things, I’m a believer in this so so much.

Thanks for the encouragement guys…reaching out like this saved me again :heart::heart::heart:


I like your analogy a lot. Glad that venting helped you. :people_hugging:


Here’s to love! :heart: thanks for the analogy. Helps to have perspective!