Today marks Day 14 without alcohol or smoking. I am a 29.5-year-old male. I used to have a good job in Dubai, but I lost it due to my addiction to drinking. This morning, I went to a temple to pray. After returning, I received an interest from a matrimonial website — a profile of a 24-year-old female nurse, and I really loved her profile. Unfortunately, I don’t have a stable job right now, so I can’t respond to her interest.
Negative thoughts crossed my mind, like if I still had my old job, I would definitely be able to send her a request and talk about building a relationship. But now, because of losing my job, I feel unsure.
I also keep thinking about my friends who studied with me in college — they’re married and in good relationships, while I’m still alone. I would really appreciate your support, guys.
First of all: Great job on reaching out when negative thoughts hit you
Now to those thoughts. You are in early recovery. Your brain is going to come up with all kinds of gloomy thoughts due to your brain chemicals rebalancing. For at least the first three months of recovery you can assume your mind to be confused and not helpful.
My advise: Don’t pay much attention to your thoughts right now. Focus on your recovery work instead.
What can you do right now for your recovery?
Aga makes a good point. We often turn to our addictions because we don’t want to feel the negativity. But that’s a part of the balance of life: good and bad, positive and negative. Being a human means feeling it all, and at the same time not falling prey to it. You can make yourself sick by dwelling on the past and on futures that don’t exist. Focus on the present, and make sobriety your number one. Not work, not marriage, not friends. Everything needs to come second to sobriety.
I’m super happy that you posted to reach out for support before doing something to jeopardize your sobriety.
From what I’ve read of your posts, it seems like you’ve struggled a lot with relapses. What are you going to do differently this time? Working on programming or distracting yourself with work has shown time and time again that it’s not enough. What behaviors are you going to practice when distraction or work isn’t enough? Remember, your sobriety is the single most important thing in your life right now.
I will also say, give yourself some grace and patience. If you were walking with a friend, and they tripped and broke their leg, would you berate them because they cannot walk as fast as you can right now? Should that friend be angry or upset with himself for tripping, or focus on healing his broken leg? Addiction is falling down. Recovery is getting back up–crawling, limping, staggering, stumbling–but always getting up.
I am sorry you feel gloomy today Comparing yourself to others is seldom a step that brings joy. I am happy you shared with us and am proud of you for bringing it into the light. I do understand.
Throughtout the years I learned, that my journey is just different than that of all my friends. It sometimes aches, but it also comes with a lot of opportunities and liberties, my friends who have spouses and kids don’t have. You are still young, there’ll be plenty of opportunities coming your way. But maybe there’s a reason AA and other organisations recommend not to engage in relationships so early on in sobriety? Focus on doing the ground work, staying sober. Don’t look to far in the future, don’t look too far into the past. Look at the next best step to take and you’ll see, you’ll get where you want to be.
When negative thoughts like this wash over me, gratitude and focussing on the things that do make me happy always helps.
Also, I agree that comparison is the thief of joy. BUT, there’s a reason they have certain things (notwithstanding privilege or any lucky windfalls or what not). Mostly it’s discipline and routine and just going thru the motions that gets traction. Basic mundane everyday step after step. Maybe see what their days are actually like rather than the overall glossy projection. For instance, a very fit body didn’t just get ripped and a CEO didn’t get the job in a lottery.
The promise of sobriety will come true, even if the only improvement you see at first is improved sleep or the ability to smile. Stack habits, break bad behaviours, be honest, put in the work. You will get wherever your path leads to in good time, but it’s not the same path others tread. Don’t expect it to be.
Good luck. Life’s a grind. But when everything you want seems out of reach, it’s a good start to place deep gratitude and love for what you do have. It’s miraculous.
Hey, it’s really good that you want to make change.
I found that to be truly honest with any potential partner, I needed to be honest with myself and address the reasons for my drinking…being truly honest with one’s self has been a challenge, but worth it.
Hey @s_unrelax, how are you holding up? I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your friend the other day. What concrete plans do you have in place when the cravings start, other than just changing your mind? Hope you are well.
Comparing yourself to others is seldom a step that brings joy. I am happy you shared with us and am proud of you for bringing it into the light. I do understand.