So I am almost beating my first time getting sober here in a few days. I think I made it to 40 days some years ago, and I am on day 37 now. What broke it last time was after so long I thought I didn’t have a problem anymore. Im scared I will fall back into that again and am trying to avoid it at all costs. It feels the further into sobriety I go the less I remember the bad part of drinking and miss the good parts. Its an absolute battle every day to not drink and I am exhausted… Not sure what I am asking maybe just needed an outlet to listen, idk…
15 Likes
You got this.
I have been struggling with almost everything lately.
It got that bad I wound up squatting with my dog while going to work.
You have already done the bulk of the work.
3 Likes
This statement seems to say that you do not want to drink, and so the battle you must endure and work hard for your sobriety. One second one moment at a time. There is lots of support here for you. Post in your time of duress and get support.
I’m glad that you posted and that you realize that you need some help
2 Likes
You’re not alone. Most of us have fallen into this trap, and I include myself in that. You think you’re safe, while the addiction snake gracefully and noiselessly coils around you again. When you feel yourself slipping, you’re being coiled around.
Never ever let your guard down with addiction. I know too well what you mean when you feel you have been off your DOC so long, that you think you’re no longer addicted. It’s a LIE your addicted mind is telling you. You might think after having a drink or two that you’re in control, you are not - and you never will be either.
If you feel your guard slipping, start writing down your thoughts. Try hard to think back, then you will have some written evidence of the horrors of when you were drinking. I record my thoughts as often as I can, and I occasionally look back to the start. I was a miserable, pathetic version of myself. I can feel the almost claustrophobic feeling I felt when I was drinking. I felt trapped, like I couldn’t escape its grip. I felt hopeless. Ashamed. Guilt ridden.
Try to mentally transport yourself back to that time, when every morning was meant to be the new Day 1. You will soon realise how much better off you are right now in comparison.
Keep talking to us, and checking in. We are here for you 
4 Likes
I agree, writing the past down on paper, all of what you consider bad moments/behavior will help you remember the “why” when you’ll have doubts.
Back then I even put a selfie of my hangover face, early in the morning, as my phone lock wallpaper. Anything that may help you is good.
2 Likes
@Elletse you totally read my mind and I think there’s so many of us with very similar experience and thoughts. Therefore I decided to check in here every day at least once and read also not so much positive posts to appreciate all the good things about being sober and remind myself it’s not alcohol what brought me into having clear mind and enjoy/accept/fight whatever life brings me in.
2 Likes
I think its normal to be scared, i was terrified to be honest…i think it helps to think what that fear is telling you…for me it was and still is to a degree that addiction is a horrible disease of the mind and body that wants to suck you back in but by accepting that you cant ever be a normal drinker again and controlling not having that first drink you can keep it at bay, to do that you need to take it day by day, work on yourself and what brought you to drinking and with the help of others on here you begin to get stronger and stronger in your sobriety and that fear starts to diminish xx
1 Like
So two things that helped me in the early days.
I wrote out my drinking history. I took my time. I remembered (half remembered) things that I had forgotten. Seeing that long list of antics, getting worse and worse, really made me realise that alcohol had so rarely, if ever, been that ally I thought it was. If you feel like drinking look at that.
Next, I wrote out how much my life was a mess because of drinking, and what kind of life I wanted to have. Like when I was waiting to drink / hungover I was snappy and low energy with my kids. But I wanted to be a good, present mum. And I focused on what I wanted to be. And was paid attention to the ways I was being better. I was sober enough to make a proper dinner and provide nutritious meal for my kids today.
BTW, this is the first couple of steps of AA. If you haven’t tried it, or another program like Recovery Dharma or SMART, then that is an excellent thing to try.
4 Likes
Have you considered working a program like AA or others?
My only experience is AA, but I’ll let you know what helps me from the readings of the big book; the number 1 offender to relapse is resentments. So, I constantly have to make sure I have a clean spiritual bill of health, in other words I have to be guilt and shame free. In addition, I have to always be on the lookout for my character flaws of selfishness, dishonsty and fear. If I feel those, I take immediate steps to fix it. Talk to another recovered alcoholic, mediate, write it down and/or go to a meetings.
One of the most important things I’ve been told from another member of AA with 28yrs of experience. “ You can’t control your first thought, but you can control your second thought!” Thoughts, words and actions…
I hope you find the solution you’re looking for to continue on your journey. Last but not least, always look for the solution and not the problem, and sometimes doing nothing is sometimes more than something.
2 Likes
I was able to stay sober for several months then thought I could moderate, that was six years ago! What ensued was several years of off and on being sober, then, trying like hell to be a “Normal drinker”. No such thing for me. TS helped turn me around, along with solid work , reading lots of quit lit, listening to podcasts, checking in daily for accountability . Use the tools you have and if you need to tweak or add more, do it!
You are learning that the voice of addiction is powerful and sneaky. Will use anything as an excuse to drink again. Tell that voice to fuck off. When you break that 40 day record, you will be proud and encouraged to keep going. You can do this!! I believe in you🙏
2 Likes
@Elletse - I feel you, that fear of failing sobriety creeps up on me at least once a day. But funnily enough, I have learned to appreciate it because it keeps me on my toes and from sliding towards complacency.
Life is complicated and it comes with all sorts of risks, dangers, fears and worries. I don’t know about yourself, but my drinking was definitely partially to do with wanting to forget about those constant responsibilities. Now that I am sober, I can see that I was actually making my own life more complicated still by being intoxicated while trying to manage things. A clear, sober mind will allow you more control over life and that life can definitely include sobriety, keep going strong!