I’ve been in rehabs since 2018. On 2020 went on long term got out after 8 months and relapsed and try to kill myself so i went back 11 a year and then 7 months in sober living, i was waiting for my apartment from DSS and my mom told me she can help me pay for my dental implants in. South America, so i came here on July and after a month i run out of my meds (campral) on top of the fact I have 6 mental health diagnoses and body dismorphia, couldn’t find groups, and couldn’t find refills for campral, that’s the only med helping me with alcoholism and mental issues. And i relapsed they thought j was fine, that after all the time in long term i was “cured” then they find out and i promised them it a slipped, and i actually thought I can do it. Everyone in here wants me to be successful and wants me to be fine, telling me it’s about saying ebiught, nobody actually wants to listen or research about what’s really going on. So I’ve been. Relapsing thinking no one noticed, hiding . I went to do my teeth and i was alone i drank and i dropped the bottle and the guard told my family what had happened. I went to visit my son today and they did an. Intervention, i got upset at first, they told my parents and my uncle who’s letting me stay during this days . And everyone told my son they noticed i looked weird before and also that i smelled funny. My son cried and told me he doesn’t wants me to die, cause I got pancreatitis and was hospitalized before . I honestly don’t want to go back to rehab. I’ll be 46 in 10 days and I’ve lost everything, I’m even calm and in peace being alone, I’m an introvert, i don’t even know how to have friends or have conversation or have interactions anymore . Maybe is because of all this time in rehab. I feel isolated but i like my solitude. People bothered me most of the time. I need to rebuild my life now, i feel i lost almost 10 years on the heavy drinking and i need to go back to USA and start working studying and going to outpatient and taking my meds . But now that everyone knows and they don’t understand they want me to go back to rehab, I’m so depressed, i can’t keep losing time, i even got fat ugly, old, i don’t feel i have hopes for any relationship. And maybe I’ll be a fine alone because I’m not even nice looking (physically). I just want to have my own life, stop living out of food stamps or from my parents (they are 76) this is even embarrassing to say. I think i write too much . I can go on. But i just want to go back and reach my goals finally live a sober life , not being a dry drunk. But my mom just told me that she’s so sad seeing her daughter getting old laing everything and now this, she can’t trust me, she said she was living an illusion . It’s like I’m the worse! In Ecuador evéyone see addicts like if it’s about saying enough. That is all mental. Well. I vented. I needed an outlet, thank you 
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That was a good, honest share from the heart. Thank you.
I know you don’t believe in God, but maybe it’s time to start.
He’s not so bad.