between work, the shitty ass air quality at home, and my partner being basically non existent at this point im at the end of my rope. it took all my strength but i threw away the old bottle of pills we found while unpacking. my therapist really wants me to reconsider meds but im so scared it’ll be what pushes me to break and start popping pills again. im also terrified of the side effects of meds. they always mess my life up in some significant way. but i want to be stable. and i want the hallucinations to calm down and i want to be able to sleep. and meds can do that, at least they can make it a little easier. my partner barely talks to me. my crushes (were poly) even talk to me more. at least they text first and respond to more than pictures. i feel so unimportant and unwanted. the sugary feeling is mostly gone, its much more tolerable at least. but now the self harm craving is back. im trying so hard to ignore it. but the hallucinations are back too. ive been seeing them all over myself again. i cant wear anything that shows my skin because i wont be able to ignore them even tho they arent there. but wearing long sleeves and pants means my skin burns like i have marks even tho all i have is healed scars. the only way to stop the hallucinations and intrusive thoughts is to do it. but i cant. my therapist knows about this. she trusts that i wont and that ill reach out if i need to. right now all that’s keeping me from it is not knowing what she would do when she found out and that its so cold in the basement (its unfinished, we have sheet walls and shitty vents) that i have to basically cocoon myself to stay warm. ive been picking at my skin again tho n biting my lips/cheek n stuff. i love my new room but also i think i have an aversion to beds now. i miss the couch n being in the living room n the fish n the old house where i knew all the sounds n where everything was n i think maybe im just too traumatized for beds. idk. im sorry. everything is scary tonight
Make an appointment with your doctor and talk through your concerns because that is no good feeling like that, wishing you well.
Definitely seek medical help you can’t keep putting yourself through this, you really need professional support.
Look after yourself, take care and much love.
I agree with these guys, talk to a doctor. Are you detoxing? Partner still using? I understand the phobia to meds, but if prescribed and used correctly they can be life saving. That being said, if pills are your doc having a month’s supply just chilling in the bathroom can be a huge temptation.
It sounds like you are going through a lot, right now. Keep your focus, seek help, and give em hell. You can do this.
Hey Starr,
I am sorry you’re going through it. If you won’t take the advice of your therapist, who can help you? You’ve said before you don’t want to seek medical attention. No one here is qualified and/or able to help you through the physical parts of your detox and desire for self-harm.
I will reiterate what’s been said above. I know you’ve had bad experiences and those professionals still know more than you or I what is best to help you.
Be kind to yourself.
I hope you will give your therapist a call and get to see them as soon as possible. It sounds like you have a great relationship with them and they can help guide you through these challenges. 
Hello, I’m really sorry you’re going through all of this. I understand not wanting to take psych med’s because of the side effects especially from an addiction recovery perspective. I totally get that, however it is logical to conclude that the best life decisions can be made from a place of objective reality. When hallucinations influence our actions i think its safe to say that while you’re doing incredible, you are fighting a multifront battle. Personally i think that stopping the hallucinations is the most important step, then, under the care of a care team work to midigate the effects of the meds ( which may be less than you think! perhaps you’ll have less side effects than you had in the past or you’ll be able to quickly work to better obtain reality and find the right dose?).
This is a very hard situation and I see many caring people giving good advice. I wish you well
Worries about side effects is your illness talking… what you are going through without meds is worse those meds exists for a reason and they really help people when you are in the right ones at the right dose.