I'm sorry to this community, myself, and to all my loved ones

Relapses
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Yet sadly , not looking for any pettyness or approval from anyone, I just need to get this off my chest. I can’t believe but also can believe I’m saying this , I relapsed again so many times.
Things have been alright , I can say in the process of sticking it through with this community and meeting some amazing people I also ended up stress drinking again that led back to a bit a relapse.
I met an amazing girl in the process, and had a few relapses before I met her, but I noticed that right off the bat I started drinking regularly before or after I met her because I was afraid of getting hurt (so stupid of me right?).
Ive been working with my apprenticeship in the process and I can say it isn’t exactly turning out as I expected and after long days of travelling and working all day I would get anxious about not sleeping enough and I’d go and drink again out of stress.

I hid it again from everyone, and I noticed once it wasn’t the stress now I’m back in the addiction state where my body just constantly craves it and I feel like I need it.

I am so ashamed of myself, and I am tired of the guilty feeling. The girl who I’ve been dating with for now about 3 - 4 months has told me she knew this whole time and could smell it off me, and sense it, but really didn’t address it. So I came clean and told her this morning on the phone . She’s from a different country and culture and she told me she always wanted to be with someone who doesn’t drink , doesn’t smoke, and stuff like that. So of course me being overly confident in my recovery stages I told her I was recovered and confident I would never drink again. Yet I did it again , and again, and again and now it’s getting out of hand and like I said I hit the addiction stage again where now it just seems like my body constantly craves and needs it.

I’ve been hiding it from my family, and I’ve been hiding it from people everywhere and in the process I’m just scared of hurting myself by hurting other people . I know I am easy to turn back to the bottle with high stress and anxiety. I know I hate to be alone and I do love to have people around so I think if I hurt people and make them leave me , then I’m going to feel hurt and have a hard time accepting it. I wish there was a better way to solve this problem of mine , as well as I really just don’t know how to feel about my state of addiction right now.

Shame on me for bringing myself back into this loophole that I worked so hard to get out of. To the people who were always so supportive of me on thos app in the past, I am also sorry to come off as fake or not true to you guys.

I truly am an alcoholic , I honestly have accepted I have a problem and it hurts me on the inside when I go back to this life because I really feel like it’s a lot of my past trauma that is eating at me deep down and making me turn back to drinking.

At this point I feel like I’m just rambling, but I hope everyone has a good day today.

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Just glad your here.
Reading through your post and I can feel how you feel.
:people_hugging:

Concentrate on moving forward, I find for me that If I keep myself going over everything and keep my self feeling bad I stay stuck in a dark place and that cycle goes on.

I’m glad you are here, that’s what is so nice about this community, we understand and there will most likely always be one or many people that just get what your going through.

Glad you posted. And your not fake or not true. Your human and your worthy and cared about.

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@Twizzlers thank you , that brought a tear to my eye . I appreciate that. :pray:

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Andrew! Shame and secrecy will keep you stuck in this hell. I was a secret drinker and it made me feel so ashamed and fake and worthless, so I can relate at least a little to what you are saying.

First things first, is forgiveness. Dump the shame bit, it robs you of your self worth, and it keeps you from believing you can change.

Second, you were honest with your girlfriend and you’re being honest here , and that’s good. Maybe don’t worry about what you have to tell others. Just be honest with yourself and here at TS. And you didn’t let anyone here down. We are here for each other, no matter what.
So, gather your sober tools together and get back at it. Get some new tools if need be. Give it time and give it all you’ve got.

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I feel your pain ,its an awful thing im there myself, i feel bad for falling down then resetting,then coming on here ,but at least we are trying and getting back up ,you can do this love and strength sent your way

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Yeah the guilt and shame part is the hardest for sure
I struggle with that a lot. @Pattycake

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@Law1 sending you my support I’m sorry to hear that.

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We can do this though ,we will keep fighting, this app is amazing ,and sober tonight :muscle:

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Glad you posted your story @Drew95 We’re all here for you. Don’t feel ashamed because we all understand what’s going on. Addiction is a f…ng bitch of a desease but we can fight it. It’s not going to be easy but it is going to be so f… worth it. So please start fighting back. Get tool, read and learn as much about alcoholism as you can. This forum is an amazing source of wisdom and support. But find and build a support system in real life as well. Meetings, medical support, a therapist maybe to help with your trauma… Give it a go!
Take it one day, even one hour, one minute at a time and never, never never ever give up my friend.
Glad having you here :pray::people_hugging:

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No shame needed, that was beautifully written. It sounds like you are really ready to accept the addiction you are squaring off with. Addiction isn’t a moral failing or a personal problem. It’s a flawed coping mechanism for life and its triggers. Its our go to response for emotions. I’ve got it, you’ve got it, so we have to learn to work through it. Secrets die in the light so thanks for putting this out there.

Dig in, start again and use us for support. I’m proud of your honesty. 🩶🩷

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Drew! The big important thing is that you came back!

As the others have already said, please don’t add shame to the mix. You’ve owned your reality about drinking, and have also described a lot of pain within, and those are huge things to face.

I think it’s time for some self-compassion and also gratitude to yourself, that you’re here and fighting.

It’s so good to see you back here. Maybe cook yourself one of those fine-looking meals you make to celebrate going to bed sober tonight. :wink:
And stick around! Together we’re stronger. :orange_heart:

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The shame spiral, for me, was a self-fulfilling prophecy that always led back to the bottle. Shame is always about the past, and sobriety is always about the present and the future. Do what you need to do to stay sober today, and eventually you will be able to sort out the past.

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Not stupid. I think it’s a well established process which we continue to use as we don’t have other instantly working processes at hand. This takes time and work and it is not always a nice journey but so worth it.

It’s good you came here being honest and taking it seriously. I was shaking it off for too long comparing myself to others who where in a worse state or situation than I was. But this journey is not about others, it’s about you. You have to find new ways to deal with all these feelings that come in rolling over you, that can be overwhelming. But the good news is: it is possible. So many wonderful examples of this possible journey here every day.

:sunflower:

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Thank you for your honesty. We dont shoot our wounded. Please continue using the app.

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Doing my best today, the depression and guilt feeling is still strong this morning. Recollecting my thoughts of who I was and what I put people through without even realizing it at the time but now this morning, it’s hitting pretty hard.

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