I hear you. I hear you 
It is so hard, youâre right.
You are an alcoholic but you are also:
- a reader of books (as you said here) - and that means youâre inquisitive, curious: these are precious qualities worth developing & they (you!) make our world richer
- a lover of colour (as you posted in your selfie here) - and that eye for colour & brilliance is valuable: it helps you see the potential in the world - you see places where colour & pattern could be changed, could explore new directions; you see growth potential, in yourself and in the world, and you can help it to develop.
Your name here, Tais - Russian, short for Taisia (I assume): âmysteryâ - means âExcellent leadership skills, thirst for knowledge, passion.â Iâd say that lines up well with what youâve shared here on Talking Sober. It also suggests courage, deep in you. The thirst for knowledge and the passion for exploration and development comes with risks. Learning, growing, always takes healthy risks - pushing your âcomfort zoneâ into new directions. Yes, it is intimidating, but if you take it one day at a time, you can learn a lot.
There are many resources (books, podcasts) for learning about addiction and recovery. Some good ones are listed here:
Never give up your search for yourself. You are a valuable, worthy human being, a good person, and you belong. You deserve a safe, sober, healthy life where you can be your full self. 