Hi all. Please exuse me for long text, also english is not my native language. If you have similar experience, i would be glad to read about it.
Struggling with alcoholism since 2018. I came to AA in 2019 after several binge drinkings, i was afraid as hell, and ready to accept help and accept AA program 100% with no judgment. Managed to stay sober for 3 months, relapsed, quickly returned to AA and was sober for 1.5 years in AA after that.
So after ~2 years in AA, though i started program right from the beginning, i still was on my 5th step, because my sponsor worked such way - we met every week and spent 1.5 hours discussing every item (person, fear) from my 4th step for 15-30 minutes. So of course to discuss all 200 items it took a long time. I spent 1 year in 5th step. My AA fellows told it’s crazy and they would quit AA and drink if their 5th step would take entire year. I also lost interest in groups, everything repeats again and again, same topics, same words, nothing new, and i can say nothing new, i felt i was not honest when told that program works and everything’s fine. Program stopped giving me relief, as i thought, it didn’t help anymore, waste of time. I quit AA.
I was sober for 4 months after AA and started to drink a little, then more, i drank for 6 months, sometimes more, sometimes less.
Now i feel depressed and can’t stop, only 1 day sober. In despair i went to AA group today, though i argue with AA now, mostly with things people added to the program, like 90 days 90 groups, or when sponsor makes me visit mo less than 4 groups a week etc, like it’s cargo cult, so many unnecessary things. I tried reading The Freedom Model, also tried program based on science, but was sober only for 40 days on it. Now i see the only option - to return to AA. I definitely lack the 1st step. I am going to call some women whose numbers were given to me today and start working steps again.
Have you ever returned to AA after not only relapse, but after doubts in AA program in general?
I’ve returned after relapses
I have heard of 90 in 90 be4
Step one is a important one
They told me to take what i need and to leave the rest
I’ve never really doubted AA but I’ve doubted myself
Sometimes people can turn their back on AA but AA does not turn its back on people
I worry most about self sabotage and selling myself to the BS line that I could maybe smoke a little weed at a point. AA has never let me down. I think for today I will listen to it and not my alcoholic brain. Hugs.
I see through my experience how strong this disease is, how my thoughts are misleading me, like i can decide and not be alcoholic if i want. Oh god, I called a woman from AA now, asked for sponsorship, it is so sad to admit i am alcoholic forever and need lifetime sobriety. I don’t want to have this disease. So hard to make 1st step. Never thought it will be this hard.
I hear you. I hear you 
It is so hard, you’re right.
You are an alcoholic but you are also:
- a reader of books (as you said here) - and that means you’re inquisitive, curious: these are precious qualities worth developing & they (you!) make our world richer
- a lover of colour (as you posted in your selfie here) - and that eye for colour & brilliance is valuable: it helps you see the potential in the world - you see places where colour & pattern could be changed, could explore new directions; you see growth potential, in yourself and in the world, and you can help it to develop.
Your name here, Tais - Russian, short for Taisia (I assume): “mystery” - means ‘Excellent leadership skills, thirst for knowledge, passion.’ I’d say that lines up well with what you’ve shared here on Talking Sober. It also suggests courage, deep in you. The thirst for knowledge and the passion for exploration and development comes with risks. Learning, growing, always takes healthy risks - pushing your “comfort zone” into new directions. Yes, it is intimidating, but if you take it one day at a time, you can learn a lot.
There are many resources (books, podcasts) for learning about addiction and recovery. Some good ones are listed here:
Never give up your search for yourself. You are a valuable, worthy human being, a good person, and you belong. You deserve a safe, sober, healthy life where you can be your full self. 
I cry:sob:
Thank you for such warm reply. I forgot about all good in me already. Will explore resources.
I’m glad you like it Tais. It is hard to remember the good in us when we are in addiction and even in early recovery, because addiction is numbness: it is blindness and escape.
Recovery is opening the eyes, seeing ourselves and the world, and accepting ourselves with loving kindness.
You are a good person and you have always been a good person. You are not a “bad” person in the same way a tree can never be a “bad” tree. It’s just a tree. There are millions of different trees, but none of them are bad. And all of them want to grow.
You are the tree, Taisia. You want to grow. You are finding your way now
Also - about the emotions - they are intense in early recovery, they flow to the surface, strongly, like a river. They’ve been buried in addiction for so long that they come rushing up.
Let the emotions flow and accept them. Join meetings and share about your emotions. Trust that you are on a good path.
Focus on one thing and one thing only: you are allowed to do anything that’s safe and legal, to stay sober. You can attend as many meetings as you want, change plans, eat chips, drink Perrier / seltzer water all the time, watch too much TV, take looooooong walks, etc etc. You can do anything that’s safe, legal, and sober.
Gradually things will settle. Give it time, and remember: you belong, and you’re never alone
Hope this alcohol/abstinence depression will end, and lately it was really hard, i moved to a new city, new job, started relationship and broke up a week ago, my intellect decreased because of alcohol and worrying in relationships, so i made a mistake in my work and tomorrow will tell colleagues, and afraid to make more mistakes. This fear is the only thing i can think of, like the end of the world is near. I want to pray and feel God is with me, i lost this… faith or this feeling i can rely on higher power, so lonely and lost. I am happy that i can at least reach out for help, hope it’s not too late and things will be ok with job.
That’s a hard place to be in. You feel scared about yourself and your job. You feel scared, maybe, about your independence, and your ability to live & support yourself. It’s a hard feeling.
What else are you worried about? (If you’d like to share; sometimes it is helpful to share, just talk about how you feel.)
Regarding resources - I found this page for AA, in Russia. It is in the Russian language - maybe you’ve already found it? You mentioned AA above. It says there are 700 groups in the country:
Also - this list of groups in Moscow contains several women’s groups. It can be helpful to have that women’s environment at times; some people feel more comfortable opening up there:
There’s so much out help out there in peer support. In real life, online, christian, humanist, scientific, buddhist, I am sure islamic and hinduist too.And then there’s stuff like this forum which is nothing in particular but for me it’s all at the same time. The main thing is to know we are NOT alone. You are NOT alone. We are in this together and together we can do this. As addicts, as alcoholics we were alone. Now we are working on a new life. We do it one day at a time and we do it TOGETHER. I’m very happy you’re here with us @iwearroses Tais. Together we’re stronger. Find you own way with everybody’'s help here. Hugs.
I want to share my worries now, but i am afraid to be too annoying. Though i know i’m in recovery community and we’re supposed to share, it helps. Haven’t done this for so long. I was feeling ok in february, sober for 1.5 year, felt i can deal with this life, found balance, hobby. And decided i can push myself out of comfort zone, finally move to the city of my dream, i knew it would take several months for adaptation, that it will be hard, but i thought i became strong enough during my sobriety and 12 steps program. New job, first 3 months of “test period” were extremely uncomfortable, i was afraid to fail, so much stress, and it was all in my head. All that time i was not sober, i drank during weekends and evenings. During relationship we also drank with boyfriend, and i didn’t love him and wanted to break up, it was also big stress. If i was at least sober, who knows, how would i deal with stress, would i have this stress. To sum up, i quit AA and did many things to make living harder, and barely can manage life now. Hope for the best. At least today my brain does not convince me to buy alcohol, and i know on tuesday i will meet with a woman that can become my sponsor, so there is a reason not to drink, and there be a reason tomorrow and many days after. Talked to another woman from the meeting now. I start to remember what it’s like being not alone and in supportive community, which helps to get out of your head, where thoughts are always the same leading you to black hole.
Yeah that’s where i spent 2 years, some of these groups in Moscow were my home groups)) Now going to meetings in Saint Petersburg
You can never, ever be annoying.
One of the weird things about addiction is it’s about erasing ourselves from life. We pretend our time & ideas don’t matter (we’re afraid of inconveniencing others; often we feel like we don’t matter), we pretend our health doesn’t matter (we kill ourselves with the substances we take), we pretend that we don’t matter, that we don’t deserve to be present, fully grounded, stable, in life, with the people here.
We pretend that we don’t belong, that we don’t matter. We fear that we’re not good enough to be here, so we run away. (Where does this idea come from?)
You always matter, Tasia. You always belong. Yes, you are uncertain sometimes; yes, you have as many emotions as the rest of us do. That doesn’t mean you don’t belong.
You had a lot going on:
- move to a new city (St Petersburg is big! There’s a lot happening there; and moving is always a challenge, with new people, new surroundings, sometimes new rules.)
- you had a lot of stress - new job, new place
- you were afraid to fail - you were afraid you were “not good enough”
Anyone would feel intimidated in your situation. The disease of addiction is “cunning, baffling, and powerful”, and it is with us our entire lives, just waiting for us to let our guard down. It got you this time, but it doesn’t have to get you again. You know what you need & you know how to do it.
You mentioned you have a hobby. What is it?
Also - let me just say - St Petersburg is at the top of my list of places I would like to visit if / when I go to Russia. The culture, the sights. The people. I think it looks so exciting. I would go to the Hermitage, the city centre, walk along the banks of the Neva… I could stay in St Petersburg for weeks and I would never run out of things to do.
It’s something about northeastern Europe. I feel the same about Helsinki. Tommi posts about it here:
Ok - done my fanboy moment. Back to reality
I crochet. Hats and toys. But it does not combine well with alcohol) Hope if things are ok af work, soon will crochet socks for cold Saint P autumn
Oh i didn’t know Helsinki looks this much like Saint P) need to visit it!
It’s not far from you - definitely go check it out. (To think Tommi gives those photos away for free. He should charge Helsinki Tourism Office for promotional advertising 
)
Your crochet looks amazing! So cute 
It’s nice to be creative. It feels good
Been to St Petersburg few years ago also Tallin Estonia , , AA will give you support but i found if i put the effort in then it was easier to progress in the program had a great sponsor sadly passed away ten years ago now , but he taught me alot i was lucky scotland had hundred of meetings when i came to AA never had to go back out and try again , my sponsor said at my 20th sober birthday you were stupid when you got here didnt know anything just did what you were told ,if i was a smarty pants then i feel it would have been a long road to recovery , but to day im a smarty pants thanks to AA lol Dont think my wife would agree lol wish you well