This is the kind of hurt that could pop up and throw you off course. I would like to recognize that you felt this awful pain and didn’t drink about it. That. Is. HUGE!
Under all those drunken days were things that we kept pushed down and in the dark. Sitting with our feelings is uncomfortable but it is a skill and you just practiced it effectively. You flexed your sober muscles and the more you do that the stronger you get. Sending hugs of consolation and congratulations.
Well done!!
Great Scripture reference to 1 Cor 10.13 - definitely a must when going through times of contemplation 
This jumped out at me…for how true.
I think we’ve all pretended to some degree or another. I’ve lived that pretending, fake, “acting”life for over 30 years. But here’s what I found, and the sad part? It took me so long for me to get it…but eventually I did…by the grace of God…I did.
All those years that I wasted in that affair with alcohol…I absolutely have nothing to show for it. Oh wait, I actually do. Let’s see, my decisions led me to (2) divorces, (2) DUIs, a revoked license for 4 years, jail time, thousands of $ in court fees, a breathalyzer in my car for a year (when I could actually drive again), an ankle bracelet for 6mo, almost 100 hours of classes…you get the idea; and this is just scratching the surface. This is not too mention the torment, self-loathing, embarrassing, jacked up, humiliated, worthless person I felt of myself. To me this was the worse part…like what your mentioning…all the other stuff I mentioned I’ve been able to re-accumulate since then, (except a wife 
), but those emotional and psychological chasms that alcohol left behind in my life? That’s the depressing part to where I’m reminded of more than I want to be. All I could do now is continue to toss and cover those chasms with each and every day of being present living, having a clear mind, a sober vision and a new love for myself that I’d never thought I would enjoy. This doesn’t mean the chasms are not there. They are. But they’re buried. Could they arise again? Be unearthed unwillingly? Sure. But you are the one that holds that shovel. Do you really want to expose that nightmare again? No. Living free and loving yourself in this short and not guaranteed life is the best thing we can do and ask for. It is worth it. As are you. And you have support, encouragement and love all around you….embrace it……
Keep posting. Keep reaching out. Believe it. We do
So very true……
I learned this crazy fact in sobriety about triggers dont know how it works I just know it does:
Everytime you are triggered and you work through that trigger or use a tool to walk thru it that trigger will no longer is a trigger and somehow drops out of your life … so hang in there and use the tools you have including your support like us and it will be okay …
You are doing an amazing thing for yourself and it will get easier. I am sorry I am a bit under the weather so I am not my usual chatty self, but I was just reading thrpugh your post and the comments and just yes yes yes you can do this!!!
The emotions mean there is just stuff there that needs to be held and explored, in its own time. Its an indication to me at least that there are feelings I need to feel, and theres a part of me (my drinking part) that wants to help me cope - becayse I learned this defense long ago, and it doesnt think I can handle what I am dealing with without it. The amazing thing is, is that we can…sometimes its hard and messy, sometimes it hurts and we just want it to stop or shut up or go away. Sometimes it helps to get busy with other things, sometimes we just have to give in to our emotions and let them wash over us…I promise it will get easier, we have all been in a place where we wanted a solution to our pain, and I know drinking is not it. I can picture MAYBE the forst drink feeling a bit of relief, but then what? No where good thats for sure, just deeper into a hole of saddness and self-shaming, and what do I know all the problems Im worried about are still there! But somehow sharper and heavier.
You can do this, the light we get is that feeling of going through things…not picking up, and that empowering feeling of…oh shit, i did it. I fuxking did it. You can, you will. We got you. XO.
hey beautiful people, i just wanted to check in quickly for @Soberbilly and i’ll come back in a bit later on with a fuller report - but the update is that i haven’t relapsed, i am 24 days off alcohol and 7 off nicotine. love you guys so much 
thank you for caring about me
i want to thank each and every one of you beautiful souls for sharing so much compassion and support and wisdom - you are so wonderful, and it fills my heart to read your words. i’ve gone back and read your offerings several times in the last couple days, and it is just so powerful and deep and liberating to be sharing this experience with you guys.
what i’m finally getting is that - the really hard feelings that come up, need to be felt. they NEED to be observed and allowed to wash through. what i’ve done with alcohol is shut them up, but what happens is that then i remain a dissociated version of myself - and those tough feelings are still right there under the surface crying out, needing to say what they have to say. i must listen, i must finally allow it. i can do this. i am capable of allowing myself to be unburdened by the unheard voices of grief that are simply asking to be heard. i am so capable of hearing them, and of experiencing my witnessing of their passing presence become the catalyzing element to my transformation.
i’m an amazing mom - i listen to Elijah cry and i just hold space for him, if he’s crying for something specific i usually give it to him, if he’s crying just to express emotion then i just let him cry and simply am there with him for it. i have that skill, for compassion and patience and nurturing, and understanding that big emotions happen in life and they pass relatively quickly when allowed to simply be a vibration and not have an entire psychological identity complex attached to them. i can simply take these innate skills for loving that i have, and practice them more with myself. i am learning how to be my own friend. i really am, that’s really what’s happening.
i am feeling raw and new, but i also am realizing that i am full of the exact wisdom and innerstanding it takes to recover - all that needs to happen is for me to apply it so i can grow myself. again i just wanna thank you guys again for being here for me and resonating on the frequency of health and wholeness - i am so grateful that we are all here for each other on this platform. its a deeply rich and human experience and it’s truly an honor to be connected here
And thanks for being here, every stitch makes a fabric. Without you, is there an us? 
By the way, I love Innerstanding.
Beautiful, when we finally start to become. When we decide to grab life by the face and with a choked but steady voice say yes, I see you and I will love you again. You are so brave, strong and capable. I am so happy that even though your fingertips have brushed the darkness, you’ve kept a death grip on the light. Oh how far you’ll go momma So glad to hear you’re still sober, I’ve been thinking about you tirelessly. So proud!!
“I am reaching for hope amidst this chaos of dreams and reality
The past is falling away and for once
I am not focused on the debris
I am looking up
My eyes have a death grip on the sky,
and I am not letting go (come what may)
Every day,
I will rise.”
“It was in the ashes
that she found her phoenix.
And boy was it worth the wait.”
Beautiful post and such an inspiring thread. This is hard and we can do this together.
The outdoors is a great place to go to clear your head. Good for you not drinking!