so today is my 23rd day and i am in the danger zone. im in so much emotional pain and i just do not want to feel it anymore. i’ve spent a decade pretending that everything was okay while being a secret alcohol addict to escape the horrors i was actually experiencing and now i can’t pretend anymore and i’m realizing what a fucking mess my life is and how much grief is in my heart and how full of shit i am and i just find it all impossibly painful and don’t want to feel it anymore so i want to drink.
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Well done for coming here and asking for support. I am sorry for all you have been through. I don’t know your story but can feel the pain in your post. Please keep posting here.
Btw, I was feeling really low earlier and asked for help here. I am feeling so much better now. This will pass for you too 
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I have been there. If you give in and relapse, you will go through this cycle again. If you stay sober, get and get through these feelings, it will get better.
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How you doin Julia?
You still with us?
What could you possibly gain from picking up? Think of your beautiful boy and how happy he is to have a beautiful thoughtful sober mom. You want to do it for him. Then do it for him today. It’s just for today. Just keep that precious boy and your sobriety front and center right now. Get on over to the gratitude thread and post there. Tell us 3 things you’re grateful for.
Your son.
His beautiful eyes.
His infectious smile.
That curly hair.
Do not pick up! Even if it’s just for him.
C’MON!!! Check back in with us. You’ve worked so hard to get where you are.
We got your back.
And there’s so many people here that love you. Reach out to us.
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thanks you guys i’m really hurting right now. i took Elijah down to the river. just watching him throw rocks into the water. i’m crying just feeling everything. i haven’t drank. i’m not drinking in this moment. i really appreciate you guys caring.
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There are days where this is all the victory in life you need!
Great job!
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Trust me when I say drinking will only compound your problems. I know how it feels to be overwhelmed with stress, we all do. But when your sober you can strategize and make a plan on how to deal with it, when your wasted you can only wallow in it. You’ve made it this far and you’re doing great. You know shit is hard but your will and resilience is harder. Take a breath, take a moment to yourself and know that falling off the wagon hurts more than staying on and enjoying the ride.
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Chunk a few rocks yourself, it might help. Coming here and sharing is exposing that hurt to the healing fresh air and sunlight.
Keep talking, keep feeling. You know how to not drink no matter what.
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thank you. taking the young King down to the river helped. i also took another action about 10 mins ago - i told someone not to contact me again. an old lover who reached out a few days ago. it was exciting to hear from him at first, but then i realized how much it was actually tearing me up inside to be thinking about him and talking to him. so communicating that i never wanted to hear from him again felt pretty liberating and empowering actually. considering he was the love of my life for 5 years and someone who really hurt me a lot because he never gave an actual fuck. okay so from this i learned that in this time of protecting my sobriety i need to be ruthlessly protective of my heart, my peace, and my boundaries. i get that.
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Oh these emotions are so real! I don’t know your pain, but I know it can feel so overwhelming.
Your pain, my pain, all of our pain - it gets louder and compounded when we try to drink it away.
But, the emotions associated with this pain are kinda like clouds. They’ll move on, and the blue sky will still be there. Calm.
And you with your sobriety intact. Stronger.
And your little boy with his Mama. Love.
I believe in you. 
EDIT to add: I just read your last post. What a win!
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Thanks for updating us.
What a beautiful pic.
Holding On
Sometimes in life it is good to hold on.
Sometimes, by holding on you can make it through to the end of a project, finish a class, make it until the end of the day… Just by holding on.
Hold on… and you’ve accomplished a positive goal.
But there are times in life when you feel you can’t hold on… but trust me… you have to.
Sometimes you feel like you can’t even get out of bed.
Sometimes you feel like you can’t even get the simplest chores done.
Sometimes it feels like the pain you are walking through will never end.
Hold on.
It will get better…
It will.
Just hold on.
Get up and get yourself going.
Take one step at a time, one day at a time, one minute or one second at a time if necessary and hold on.
If you can keep going… It will get better.
Hold on.
When you feel that you are coming apart and you can’t take one more minute of one more day…
Hold on.
You can do it… just a little longer… You can hold on.
“Dear God, help me to hold on during this time of great stress. Help me to hold on and get through my day-to-day activities. Help me to hold on and stay in the moment, to accomplish one thing at a time by putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Help me to hold on.”
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I love that last couple of sentences.
“okay so from this i learned that in this time of protecting my sobriety i need to be ruthlessly protective of my heart, my peace, and my boundaries. i get that.”
Brilliant.
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I do not know you or your story, though I can feel you are hurting. From one momma to another, I know of grief and of addiction greatly. I have stood where you are many times. I have numbed my pain and, I have faced it head on. Tonight, I’d like to give you a spark, it’s up to you to nourish it and grow it into a flame.
Tonight, I know you are feeling like you are at the end of a dark tunnel; you feel you are broken, you may think you will never heal, that you will never be happy again, that you can’t continue down this road called recovery. Tonight, I offer you the same hope once offered to me. Shattered hearts do heal. The pain will subside. You will once again feel joy. You must hold onto your sobriety though, while also moving through your grief and letting it flow through you. Sometimes it’s a matter of precisely that —letting the grief flow through us. That in itself is an act of utmost courage. Hands as fists – tightly clenched – holding on for dear life to our sobriety, while doing so. We must keep that tight grip because, our tomorrows are not promised. The gift of time is never truly given. It is merely borrowed. Time willingly lets us borrow from it, in hopes that we can make it count. Because for anything that is borrowed, it must be returned one day. Our recovery is a gift that not all are given the chance to have. We must treat it as such.
You don’t heal with time, you heal with intention. When something hurts us we’re suppose to cry, be sad, mourn. Emotions are what make us human. If we want to live life, we must take life, on life’s terms. The good and the bad. It is a continuous dance of joy and pain, they intermingle. When we numb our pain we also numb our joy as well. If you hadn’t went through the pains of childbirth you would never know the joy that follows, when holding that beautiful baby for the first time in your arms. That’s kind of like our sobriety, there is birthing pains as we begin our recovery journeys but as we give birth to a new us, we discover the joys of life again. Yes, you will still have hardships, pain, wounds that may never fully close BUT, you slowly gain the strength and wisdom to overcome them. You just have to be brave enough to stop that “wash, rinse, repeat” cycle.
I hope you know this woman you’ve never met, holds so much understanding, so much acknowledgment of your grief and recovery and is willing to stand and stare at its vastness with you, so that when met with what appears like silence in this seemingly still place, maybe you won’t feel so alone.
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wow sister, this is so beautiful. from the depths of my heavy heart i thank you for this gift of your words. i feel so held right now. thank you this truly means so much to me.
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Not today, do what you want tomorrow but not today.
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From my heart to yours You will live again, not just survive. So much love to you.
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i actually believe you so much love right back to you powerful sister thank you 
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That is tough… writing it out helps, but maybe getting someone to talk to might help also… have you tried any counseling? Or support groups? My time sober got a lot better when i started counseling for many things that i always drank to deal with. The sessions and meds worked way better when i wasn’t drinking and was actually able to make progress with my issues.
You got this
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thank you - i actually found a therapist today and our first session is on thursday
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It’s so empowering to put up boundaries to protect us from people who have hurt us and are not good for us. I truly hope that it helps with your sobriety. Wishing you a peaceful evening.
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