Introducing myself and sharing my story:
Hi my Name is Rose I’m 34 years old and have been fighting addiction for 28 years. I started smoking cigarettes at age 6 after being taken to the woods and threatened to be left there if I didnt smoke. Starting at 4 years old I was molested by multiple members of my family. I blocked it all out until age 24 after wiening my son off my boobs when he was 13 months old. My pregnancy and 13months of breastfeeding was my longest stretch of sobriety. I quit EVERYTHING for my baby… but when I wiened him I started to experience post partum depression. I was diagnosed with anxiety, ptsd, ocd, panic disorder, and paranoia at age 16. I have been in and out of different therapies since I was 5 years old but never complete them. On halloween 2010 my niece was killed by her dad whom I was very close to. She was my first baby as I was told at age 17 I wouldn’t be able to have children due to pcos. I was engaged on my 18th birthday and married may 7th, 2011 2 days after what would have been my nieces 6th birthday…. My husband was/is a narcissist and psociopath and no one was safe from his shenanigans. I was forced to perform sexual acts with multiple men from Craigslist and was forced to watch my husband get it from behind… by multiple older men. This formed my sexual behaviors which are extremely addictive in nature… I am a set addict. I’ve never admitted that before now. I used to say I was a nympho but: there is no evidence to support that except the fact that I cannot function without sex daily. Without daily humiliating sexual acts I cannot function. Idk what’s wrong with me. I want to change but even when I’m not using drugs I’m extremely promiscuous and constantly searching for attention from multiple multiple men. When I’m in a relationship I can be faithful as long as the person I am with is fulfilling my needs….. I’ve never actually cheated because I always leave my partner first. I believe I am poly as I cannot be with a man and not have a girl on the side and cannot be with a female and not have a man on the side. I have had multiple multiple 3sums and I always feel disgusting and violated after but still keep giving my baby dad to other women while I watch. Idk what’s wrong with me. In between these times I am always heavily using unless I am working daily on my recovery maintenance… I am currently in outpatient d&a treatment and mental health therapy at a cooccuring treatment center…. But believe all the drugs have progessed my bipolar into skizophrenia…. It runs in my family…. I also believe I am autistic and am in the process of getting an evaluation for that as my son is 10 and extremely high on the spectrum and I am now noticing tons of similarities between myself and my son. I have realized that my habit of biting my nails and cracking my fingers and rocking back and forth are actually me stimming…. My son slaps his legs and feet when he’s excited. It’s the cutest thing. i wouldn’t change him for the World but all I want is to be clean and healthy for him.10 years and I’ve only been clean 5 of them. I feel like Im ruining his life. My last stretch of clean time was exactly 3 years. I seem to ALWAYS relapse within a month of Halloween…. When my niece was killed. I had my son in 2015 and I was using everyday and everything up until the day I found out I was pregnant with him. My aunt Carol raised me and she died December 2010…. I miss her every day. She was the only person who really understood me and I dont get it because she was exactly the opposite of me…. Never smoked, drank a handful of times her entire life. She was a babysitter and that formed my love for children and I always thought I would have atleast 10 kids. 10 years later and still just the one son: and we know I dont lack in the sex department…. My baby dad didnt think he could have kids either. The day he found out I was pregnant he dropped everything and moved to be with me at my parents 2 hours away from everything he’s ever known. He is still to this day my hero but Im now finding out things that are pulling me away hard. I am to move into a recovery house that my CERTIFIED RECOVERYSPECIALIST RUNS next week. Im allowed to take my son and she is the only thing keeping cys from taking him from me. Thank the gods for my CRS AND not believing in coincidences.