Hello everyone,
I used to visit this forum a few years ago as I was (and still am) in the grip of a porn addiction. I am in my 40’s and since I was last here a few things have happened:
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I split up with my ex partner. The end of a decade long relationship. The end was acrimonious as I was away (helping my parents after my father’s heart attack) and I got let go by text. Subsequently I found out there was another man in the picture.
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Having found my feet after the split my ex decided to move 3 hours away and actively hid this from me until the month before. This lead to a traumatic custody battle where my son decided to stay with me at the 11th hour.
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Met a new partner shortly after. Relationship has been punctuated by frequent fights that line up perfectly to the couple of days after my porn use. This has eroded the relationship to the point its almost over.
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I have undertaken 3 years of therapy (following 1 and 2) and have been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism as well as probable PTSD/CPTSD).
I feel like I am a better person than I was. I feel stronger, more capable, more settled with who I am than I ever did before but the porn use remains. If there is one thing I have learnt through this period I need to tackle problems head on and I have used porn for the past 28 years and I haven’t been able to stop despite in my heart knowing it is wrong and not good for me.
I have come to the realisation that this is destroying my relationships and stopping me feeling what I feel. I feel numb after using and that appears to be the point. I’m using it as a crutch.
I was going to write a because next but in many ways that is just an excuse. I use because… feels like justification somehow. Feels like a slippery slope into using again.
At the end of the day I am a porn addict and I want to hold myself accountable. To do this I am committing myself to:
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Learning about how my addiction works (using the EasyPeasy guide)
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I have finally started to talk to my therapist about my addiction.
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Checking in here to maintain accountability.
I don’t know if this will work but I have been trying to tackle this on my own, focusing on willpower or distraction for years and it hasn’t worked. Therapy has shown there is so much beneath the surface as well as a core sense of shame. I’ve been clinging on to this crutch as a way of coping for far too long. I want to let it go. I want to build healthy coping structures to benefit my life.
Today is day 2. I will focus on that for now. Thank you for reading.
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Glad you’re back and sharing your struggle and commitment towards bettering your life!
Sorry to hear about your relationship struggles, past and present. That must be really difficult, especially since your son is involved. But I’m glad to hear you are in therapy and actively addressing your diagnosis!
I may suffer from addiction to something other than porn, but I certainly understand how addiction destroys relationships and blocks the ability to feel whole. I used drugs and alcohol as a crutch for a long time. Being free of that crutch is difficult, but it is also rewarding!
Accountability was very important for me when breaking the cycle of addiction so I’m glad to hear it may be helpful for you as well!
Your courage to post your struggle and to be honest about difficult problems you face is inspiring! Don’t forget to give yourself credit where credit is due!
You are not alone! We are both struggling with addiction, one form or another. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need support or just need to talk! 
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Thank you Alexh666 I really appreciate your message of support and solidarity.
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Welcome back @Staringupfromthewell !
I’m a porn addict too. Currently approaching 7 months without it.
Recently got divorced in late November. We share a 10 yr old son. My porn use did play a role in our relationship too. I think I chose her to live out my fantasies with rather than based on compatability. We were together for 15 years. Probably 12 years longer than we should’ve been together. But it certainly wasn’t all bad and I do feel some regret that I couldn’t do better. Although she had her own demons too. Lots of cheating, micro cheating, emotional affairs, lying, gaslighting, etc. We both turned away from each other. She didn’t have accountability. That pain only added fuel for me to act out. But it was my choice to act out to cope and that’s not someone that anyone can respect.
All that to say, I bent over backwards to try to make up for my shortcomings. But it was all me trying to secure love by people-pleasing. Letting her cross my boundaries, not share my values, not contributing to my peace. All to get my fix.
I’m taking this split as an opportunity to build a new me. To stick my my standards and boundaries, to build my confidence and find comfort in my own skin, to validate myself so that I don’t have to desperately search for it externally. So that I seek compatibility and not an emotional roller-coaster that I grew familiar with in my childhood.
Way to go on therapy! I would highly recommend trying CBT or EMDR. My therapist has especially helped my with EMDR. She also helped me to make a routine to keep my mental health in check.
Also, I worked the steps with SAA and a sponsor during the pandemic over the phone and online. Then found that my al-anon tendencies needed to be addressed more so I attend a meeting in person for that (grew up around a lot of alcoholism and codependency).
For me the name of the game is building community so that I don’t escape into the isolation of addiction. I am now sober from alcohol and weed too. That’s why this place is so great. It’s community in your pocket 24/7. You don’t have to do this all on your own. Let us help! You’ve gotta be willing to step way outside your comfort zone….but it’s totally worth it!
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Hey man. Thank you for sharing your story. While my addiction is more with sex as a whole, I relate to this and too many other stories on this site.
I have a 7yo and a 5yo with my wife. I’ve destroyed our 8 year marriage slowly but surely with my addiction issues. I can’t seem to stop myself and I’ve come to realize my issues of sex and anger are intertwined and they all root from my obsessive nature. I’ve decided to reshape the way I think and quit bad habbits cold turkey. I do believe that if I can go to therapy and get this under control, I can save my marriage and keep my kids from having divorced parents.
My wife has communicated that at times she somewhat wishes she could leave but can’t due to both financial issues and she truly believes that so long as we can get along,it’s best for the kids development to stay together to which I agreed.
I’ve already quit previous addictions, but this has been the emotional titan I’ve been struggling with the most and for the longest I know how to quit and require the way I think, but so also know how hard the path is and this one takes the cake. Wish me luck and good luck to you. Reach out if you wanna talk more, it’d be cool to have an accountability person in the road to recovery.
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Welcome @Abraham430 !
All the best in your recovery. Remember to do it for yourself so that you can be the best version of yourself. Regardless of your marriage or your family structure.
Let me know whenever I can help.
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