Introspection, can anyone relate?

Emotional Support
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I apologize if this is a bit haphazardly written… but I never had that big “moment” where I realized I needed to change. I get nicer and more friendly when I drink, I am more positive and outgoing. People like me better when I’m intoxicated.

I try to dive into why. And the why is that my anxieties disappear. Like an undertow, they lie under the surface and pull me under when I least expect it. Often, they turn into sneaker waves they unexpectedly rise out of the surf and bury me with their suffocating, overwhelming power.

This ocean of emotion could be used for such good if I could harness it but I do not know how to. I have so much potential and it sits… stagnate and unused.

I feel the cloud of drinking lifting and all I see is chaos and anxiety. I thought I would feel better, have more emotional capacity and fortitude. But I feel weakened and broken. It’s embarrassing to be a grown man, afraid to talk because I might say the wrong thing. Quiet because I don’t have anything of value to contribute. I am more than boring when I’m sober - I lack value, interest and worth to others.

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I absolutely can relate. I don’t know if you’ve felt this, but when I would sober up after being drunk and the fun social self I could be while drinking, I was increasingly left with this feeling that I was not really that fun person, that was not my authentic self, and the person that those friends, acquaintances or even strangers interacted with was not “real.” That I was living a lie. I had to do a lot of healing from the thoughts I had as a result of unworthiness and learn more about who I am, who I want to be, how to be a better version of myself, and so on. It’s hard work but for me it was so worth it because I couldn’t drink anymore, I wasn’t even drinking to be social anymore but to self medicate the anxiety and loneliness. I hope you keep at this new way of living authentically and keep looking at it, for your own long term benefit.

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Those last few lines are the truth - I am (was) drinking to self medicate the loneliness and anxiety.

The issue I have is my job requires me to be fake friendly and I come home and hyper analyze every little move I made, every reaction to those moves and replay them over and over again. I could be really good at this job but I’m in my head. I drank at night to shut those feelings off then my mornings were about bandaging my the hangover enough to get through to my first meeting.

I am working on listening to podcasts (both work improvement and self improvement), reading and watching documentaries to distract. Idk why I hyper focus on all these things. Especially if there are wins; I will hyper analyze to the point that I convince myself that it was a failure rather than a success. I landed the biggest (individual) sale of my career last month and I don’t feel happy or proud of it. I just keep thinking about all the bad things that happened along the way.

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I hear you. I am fortunate not to have many friends and certainly none that challenge me in that capacity. Mostly it’s work. I am partnered up with two new teammates and we oversee about 10 employees between two locations. One of my new teammates has done my current role (I actually took over for his successor) and he stepped back into the role he is in. I feel incredibly judged when we discuss the on goings of my side of the business but never coached or guided. Feels like I’m always walking on eggshells so that doesn’t help when I already self impose that feeling.

But you’re right - not everyone will agree. And that’s part of why I’m in this role. To make the moves he, and my predecessor, were unable to make! To earn the business they missed. (Here’s where I would put the negativity but today, I am better than that!)

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Do they ? Or are you just suppressing them ?

So do you still think drinking makes them disappear ? Isn’t that thinking like a parrot who believes it’s night if you throw a towel over it’s cage ?

Meh, change that line dude. You lack those - to yourself. This is yóur judgement on you. Work on that.

As for a general response - well I definately hád my moment that I realised I had to change, but that wasn’t because I thought I had an addiction problem. I only started realising (or accepting) that along the way.
My experience, which of course is all I can work with, is that sobriety isn’t a magic trick. ALL shit that has been there forever, is still there. Just not drugged away anymore.

Keep it up mate, stay sober and explore this “real you”. Get to know him and, in time, get to like him :wink:

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@Bigirishdude- Reading your post, all l hear in my head for you is ‘Warning,Warning!’

Don’t get me wrong, l’m not criticising you; on the contrary, they mirror the thoughts l had about myself, until now, so l would really like you to read and reassess what you have written.

Since joining this app.and being sober for 24 days, l am thinking completely differently about my relationship with alcohol than l have in the past.

I used to believe this about myself 100%, and it certainly gave me a valid and good reason to continue my disasterous drinking career!

The truth is, it wasn’t like my addiction was going to come clean with me about this.

I WASN’T a nice person when l would drink. Even after one sneaky glass, my best friend’s husband admitted he knew that l had been drinking, as l suddenly would say things l normally wouldn’t and be ‘impolite’

After a few more glasses, sure l would be more chatty, dance,sing,etc. But l don’t know whether l was really engaging with people in a meaningful way or enjoying myself particularly, or whether l was just trying to be the life of the party so people would like me more.l was so uninhibited by now l really didn’t care.

But I always remember waking the next day, a bit paranoid, wondering what people thought of me and whether l had crossed the line in some way.
Toward the end of my drinking, l could never have just one or two glasses, so the memory of a night out was always peppered with ‘brown outs’ the next day.

I would have to rely on others to fill in gaps for me, because l couldn’t remember the whole night!

And did l ever really get that affirmation from people that they liked me more because l drank, that l was more fun and outgoing? Or did l just assume that because it suited my argument to drink?

I know one thing for sure. If you went away with me for a week while l was actively drinking, l was not positive, friendly or outgoing ( just ask my husband and 3 children).

I was boring, tired, rude and obnoxious, and that was just to my family!

I do not know what level you’re drinking at my Friend, but let my story be a warning to you,( and believe me when l say it comes from a good place in my heart).

Let the cruel heart of addiction not lull you into a false sense of security. It doesn’t care about you, it just wants to manipulate your thinking and behaviour. It NEEDS you to depend on it to survive, so of course it will convince you are a better person when you drink.
It’s all a big, fat lie!

When you were born, you came with all the necessary tools to become a successful, confident,fun,well respected and loved human being. You didn’t need alcohol for those things then, and you don’t need it now.

Like me, you are probably going to need to practice enjoying being in your own skin and being happy with who you are, with the skills you have.

I’m not saying you should never drink, but be careful how much credit you give to alcohol making you a better, nicer person.

Wishing you nothing but the best for your future.

P.S Sorry my post was so long, but l really wanted to reach out to you.:pray:

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This is not true of anyone. But I can relate to feeling that way. I also drank to be more social, but frequently embarrassed myself and felt even more uptight and nervous the next time. And then would drink by myself and feel free and cool, even tho I was just drunk in front of a computer. Sad.
But like Rosa that drunk me was not me. I had to get sober and learn the real me. And the real me can get some authentic, appropriate to me confidence if I am not poisoning and sabotaging myself with alcohol.
The gifts of imperfection - Brene Brown is a great book about accepting yourself.

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Oh warning sirens are going off 100% on this post. And thank you for sharing your story! Some of things you said are why I figured I’d write it and put it out there - it’s not just me being a big ol baby, I’m actually fighting something inside lol I feel like I can’t share that feeling with people who don’t struggle with alcohol because they’ll blame other things than the drink. Especially because I rarely drank to black out or even socially. Maybe a beer here or there with a coworker or client but usually I drank at home or in the car ride home. I never showed up to work drunk/buzzed, just sometimes hungover. Never missed a day because of drinking but I have missed many workouts (or thrown up during them). I would drink a couple (6-8) beers every night.

But ya know, while a lot of my anxiety is highlighted BY the drink, there’s likely other underlying issues. And I need to tackle those too.

Excuse my southern Baptist here, but have you ever cut your finger in the kitchen and you apply pressure for a couple minutes and think oh yeah, it’s okay now? Then you take your hand away and wooooooosh here comes the blood again. That’s where I’m at. I need stitches (sobriety) but I want to sulk and just apply pressure. But we all know that’s not the right way. Can’t hold my own hand forever. Doesn’t let me do anything else, raises my risk for infection (other addictions) and never lets me heal. I gotta get stitches. And I have 18 stitches (days)!

Im on my way and proud of it. But then the Darkness comes and I get anxious again and again. Hmm…

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Appreciate your honest response.

There is definitely a lot of suppression and repression. Fueled by fear and self hatred.

Unpacking that is a whole ‘nother story and I am not sure the right time to tackle that. Still feel too vulnerable and anxious to do so now.

Perhaps you can advise me on that. Is there a “right” or more ideal time to tackle some of these Man in the Mirror moments?

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Thanks, amiga. Appreciate the kind words

And I’m sure there’s something going on; I do have OCD but that is pretty under control. I definitely have anxiety of some sort but I think it’s coming from a big life change - job, team(s), location, boss, bosses’ boss, etc. lots to digest now…

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The right time is whenever you decide that it’s time to be clean forever. If you’re working a 12 step program, you will do a lot of introspection and soul searching in step 4.

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That was me once but I’ve learnt some useful lessons along the way. If I’ve got nothing useful to say then say nothing at all. I don’t feel the need to impress anyone anymore. I don’t need the approval or opinions of other people to validate my worth. I’m not so special that everywhere I go people are talking about me or looking at me or even aware of my presence. I am important but I’m not more important. I do not run the show.
All I had to do to achieve this was was remove 3 things from my life, My ego, Pride and Fear.

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@Bigirishdude- How cool that you are only days behind me! We have a lot in common :+1:

Thanks for your very open and honest reply! I felt you were revealing so much more of the authentic YOU already in that 2nd post.

I think that you are going to learn a lot more, not just around your drinking habits, but about who you really are, by being on this app.

Whenever you get anxious, day or night, just jump on here and try to express what you’re feeling. There’s always someone here with a listening ear and an open heart.

Take advantage of it - like l read on here when l first joined- ‘there’s enough space here for you to express yourself, be heard, feel safe to share’

I am truly excited for you and your future, as you seem really open to others ideas and the thought of change as being a good thing. You are not rigid in your thinking.

P.S Not sure if this works for you, but l don’t use the ‘forever’ or ‘never again’ phrases in regards to drinking, as they are exactly what can trigger an anxiety attack for me.l just casually say to myself and others “l’m not drinking for now or ATM” or “ l’m taking a break for a while”or “ l dunno, l might have a drink tomorrow, just not today”

I used to absolutely FREAK out on the inside when well meaning friends or family would say “ Andy, you can NEVER drink again, ever!!

It made me resentful toward the person who said it, to all normal drinkers around me, and it made me angry with myself for ‘letting’ my drinking get out of my control (l’m weak, l’m a freak, l’m a bad mother, friend, nurse, citizen,etc).

And shortly after, what would l do, drown my sorrows in drink to make the noise in my head go away! Real effective.

Now, l let the words wash over me gently, l don’t judge them,l just acknowledge them and let them go.
Depending on how l feel, l will usually say one of the phrases l mentioned above, just to let the person know where my feelings sit about it and to regain some sort of control over the situation.

I have tried earnestly being sober at least 10-12 times in the space of 4 years, and l learn something new each time.

I always knew that putting pressure on myself by overcommitting and making promises l can’t always keep to those l love, was not the way to long term sobriety for me.

But l wasn’t experienced or brave enough before, and because l’m a perfectionist and a people pleaser, l didn’t have a voice to say “ l know you want and need me to be well, but this has to be my journey and l need to tailor it to my needs in order to be successful in the long run”

So even if l don’t make it this time, l will jump straight back on, and try again. I will not beat myself up and call myself a failure. The only failure is when you stop trying. I will promise myself never to stop trying and to NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP. Now that’s success!

Wishing you every success :heart: You are doing great! :+1:

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There definately is a right moment for that. You’ll know it when the time is right.
Untill then, don’t worry about it. Just keep in the back of your mind, that those voices and words you posted in your original post, are the words of your addiction.
And those voices are nót your friend, they are as you seem to be aware, the voices that suppress and repress.

One day at a time mate. Stay sober and life will reveal itself. Don’t try to plan it, it just doesn’t work that way. We all started with getting sober and most of us will tell you in time, things revealed themselves.

Life dóes get better :wink:

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