Hi, I’m sorry to hear about your pain. It sounds like you are going through so much now. That’s a lot of weight to carry 
Like Laura said above, sobriety opens up your eyes. It sounds like in your case you’ve noticed a pattern of falling for these guys in a kind of Florence Nightingale situation, where you nurse them, save them, help them, then things fall apart & you’re using again and you’re frustrated and ashamed and scared.
Love addiction may be a part of what you’re going through. Sex and love addiction shows up differently in men and women because there’s a double standard in our world for sex and love, in the roles and expectations for men and women. But it definitely exists in women at about the same rate as in men; in women, more than with men, it tends to be drinking and using drugs that bring them into recovery first (because of the double sexual / relationship standard in our world).
You probably need to work some sort of program first though to figure out a bit about your personal history and how that’s shaping your choices today. There are lots of good programs here (including many that have online options happening right now) - take a look:
Resources for our recovery
There are some posts in that thread about sex and love addiction too, in addition to alcohol and drugs.
Take care, keep working your program, keep searching, reading, and learning. You will get this.