I managed to do it again folks, I managed to ruin everything without even realising it was unfolding before my eyes. I want to premise this by saying that I am not a victim, I am an individual capable of making choices and with every action there is a reaction. I just can’t believe how well things were going, after dealing with family issues, friendships issues, masters and working a full time job - I thought I had finally cracked the code. I thought it was finally in a stage of healing, and falling in love with myself and in love with life again…but I’m back at square one and tomorrow I will be admitted into a mental health facility because I don’t know what else to do. I know I have been taking medication for bipolar, but I never actually thought it was bipolar. I’m not trying to look for a reason to defend my behaviour, but rather I’m trying to understand why on earth my behaviour does not fall in line with my values and who I truly am as an individual. People like me are not meant to be happy, so I dont see a point of fighting to live a life that I will never be able to experience. Honestly, I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want any of it anymore.
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I’m sorry you’re experiencing mental anguish - your pain is coming through in your writing, and I hope the in-person treatment will help you find some peace and a place to start forgiving yourself.
I try to remind myself that all experiences make you who you are, and it’s your choice regarding the path forward.
I hope you feel better soon -
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Patience and forgiveness. Glad that you’re here and striving for growth and a better version of you.
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