I honestly feel as though I’m relapsing more. I don’t want to say that and I don’t want to think that but it’s true. I gave in. There was legit no struggle last night. It’s like one minute I’m fine and the next I’m down for the count. Things just feel like a mess and I’m at a lost on what to do. Now I’m suppose to go out on a family trip pretending that everything is okay when it isn’t. I’m sorry guys. I’ve let everyone down.
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Relapses happen, don’t look at it as a step back, look at it as a learning curve forward, it’s just an obstacle, you learn from it and move forward, look back on all the things leading up to your relapse and you will see the warning signs, use those recent warning signs as clues for when you think it’s going to happen again, you got this, stay strong.
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First of all you haven’t let anyone down we all know how hard it is to get and stay sober
Secondly are you trying anything else other than this forum to help you stay sober
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This isn’t about us (or your family) it’s about you. What’s your relationship like with yourself? What’s your understanding of yourself?
Getting sober is a test of commitment and follow-through and learning. I want to be absolutely clear here: you are capable of doing it if you choose to, in your heart. But it’s gonna take resolve.
You have to search for sobriety the same way a person searches for water in the desert. You need it to live.
Have you looked at a recovery group? For me that was a huge turning point - I joined one in my city. There’s lots, many have online options as well if necessary:
Resources for our recovery
Take care and remember: you’re a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.
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The one warning sign i can think of when I’m almost at the edge is my inability to do or think about anything else. It’s like my brain shuts down and I can’t function. I use to be on here all of the time. Then I relapsed hard and it just hasn’t been the same. The people here are legit the only people who could understand and not judge. I don’t have anyone in person.
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Obsession is part of addiction: we get fixated on the “escape hatch” of our addiction. We use addiction to escape life; we run away.
Relapse doesn’t just happen; it happen because we’ve neglected something we need for healthy living.
The “HALT” acronym is helpful here: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Those four things are common parts of choosing to relapse. When you feel those things, reach out for support.
Cultivate a supportive community around yourself every day. The daily connection - even (especially) when you feel like you don’t need or want it - is part of maintaining sobriety.
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I honestly didn’t think of it that way. That my relapse was because I was missing something. I just thought it was because I’m a worthless piece of crap.
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In addiction, we neglect our healthy human needs. We all “learned” at some point in our youth that we didn’t deserve or couldn’t handle healthy human self-care. We never learned that caring for our needs - for human connection (without which we feel lonely), for good food (without which we are hungry), for healthy boundaries (without which we get angry - because of boundaries being crossed), for healthy rhythms of activity and rest/sleep (without which we are tired/depleted) - is a human right and is something everyone needs to do to be healthy in the world.
Addiction is about numbness and escape. We run to addiction because it numbs the pain of our unmet needs.
Recovery is about living life in the present, one day at a time, seeing our needs, letting ourselves feel (ups and downs; letting the waves wash over; reflecting; learning), and being sure our needs are met.
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
HALT. If you’re feeling any of those things, it’s a good time to reach out. If you don’t, you risk running back to that familiar habit of numbness and escape: addiction.
Check in as many times as you need, 4-5 times a day, 50 times a day. I had one day I created a thread here, set a timer, and checked in every 10 minutes. Whatever you need, to maintain healthy connection and contact. 
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Thank you Matt. That makes a lot of sense. I never thought of it that way, but you’re absolutely right. Wow…
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I think @Matt said it so accurately…I truly couldn’t have said it better.
I just wanted to add that beating yourself up will only throw you deeper down a rabbit hole.
You are not a worthless piece of crap, and you didn’t let anyone outside yourself down.
Recovery isn’t easy. I think most of us can say we’ve been there more than a time or two. I know I have fallen more times than I could count, but here’s your light…you get up, and you continue to try…you continue to push forward! That’s the hope that you keep reaching for everyday…you are worth the fight! You can get through this…never, EVER give up on you!
Keep searching for the tools that will make you successful. Keep reaching out…keep talking. Your voice is power!
It’s time to start being kinder to yourself…being good to yourself, and respecting yourself. This, in my opinion is the core of recovery. Once we can do this the other bridges can be built, and new chapters can be written.
I believe you can do this…and we’re all here walking with you. You are not alone @Cottontail 
Blessings to you.
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Out of nowhere, after years clean, I am thinking of using all the time now. I feel like eventually I will get tired of struggling and just use to get it over with.
I am getting enough sleep, food, etc. But I have some free time so my brain goes there.
I guess there is not much to do about it.
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The only person you have let down is yourself, we are all here just to support you. Sometimes once the brain fixates on something it is like a terrible itch. But remember that feelings are not actuons,. You can feel the feelings, accept they are there, but not act on them. I personally never moved with the “wine witch” way of thinking, getting angry at intrusive thoughts. It just seemed to give them more power. When my brain has a thought of drinking, and it still does, I am just like “ok, thanks for the update” but I still choose not to drink. Like water of a ducks back.
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And then what?
Play the tape forward: you’ll do ___, then ___, then ___. You’ll feel ___. You know the script; it’s the same every time.
Do you want to use again?
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Okay, kiddos. Enough messing about. If you want relief from the obsession with drinking or using (this includes romantic thoughts about it, fantasy scenarios where you successfully use with no consequences, planning your finances so you have plenty left over “just in case” etc), then work some steps of recovery. I’m an AA guy, so that’s what I know, but people in structured programs of all stripes tend to do better than those flailing about on their own. From the section on Step 10 in the book “Alcoholics Anonymous”
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
I was a hopeless drunk. I drank every day, even when I did not intend to or want to, even when it was guaranteed to cause me trouble. And finding a power, a strength, greater than my puny resources and working a program of recovery, following a well worn path, did result in the obsession being lifted from me.
I used to wake up, or more accurately come to, in the morning and do these things - 1. check my surroundings to figure out if I was safe or in trouble, 2. take stock physically - how bad was my head, my gut, my numb arms and legs? 3 - find my wallet and take stock of my cash SO THAT I COULD DRINK AGAIN THAT DAY IF I HAD TO. And I always had to - I was compelled to drink.
Today I wake up and make a statement of gratitude and a request for help to stay sober and do the right thing. I am a free man.
This program and similar ones have helped millions of people over the last 86 years. They can help you, too. You don’t have to be baffled by addiction when you are well grounded in recovery.
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I don’t want to use, but I also do not want to be thinking about using all the time.
If I did use, I would have a couple bad days, but at least I would not have the desire again for a few weeks or maybe even months.
I know that eventually it would accelerate.and I would end up using more frequently. But getting through these times are rough.
I am grateful for sites like this. It helps to say (or type) it out loud.
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That’s good If typing it out helps you keep yourself sober then that’s a good step! That’s what we’re here for.
God I know exactly what you mean… 
Let’s do this fellow friend! The more you try the better you get & vice versa. Imagine a truly free and happy future self meeting you one of these days and emotionally thanking you for being there. Be strong, you know you can do this! 
You have to want to quit for yourself, for whatever reason. Geez,…when I first quit it was every 15 minutes. It was horrible. It felt like the flu. After a few days it was better, a week, a month… It honestly took about 3 months before I even started for feel more normal. At least a year for my stomach and sleep. Probably 3 years before I became comfortable around it.
This is what brought me here - I had been clean for about 4 years and now all of a sudden nearly a year ago I relapsed seemingly out of nowhere and I can’t stop… But every day I make steps towards recovery and every week gets a little bit better. Progress may be slow but as long as we don’t give up, we can earn the prize.
As Cicero eloquently describes, “while I breathe, I hope” - it gets harder and it gets easier but there is always a future, and it can be brighter than yesterday
I think I am still getting past the conditioning of years in 12-step programs where I could not be open about these feelings.
The great thing is that no one stops you from sharing this stuff online.But it is still hard for me to write this stuff where other addicts can see it. It still feels taboo to me.