So i did relapse. I knew my triggers well and it was watching myself in slow motion, making mistakes and testimg the waters. As it is shameful to admit this as a loss, its also a learning experience fs lol
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The addict mind is very skillful and can really convince you that you “need” the next drink/ smoke. Good that you can see what led you to the relapse and what triggers caused it. You can gather your tools and be prepared for the triggers in the future.
We just gotta keep going forward. Glad that you are not getting sucked into the relapse but instead are working your way back to day 1. 
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“testing the waters” has never worked, ever, for anyone on this forum. As far as I have read.
It’s really good that this can serve as a warning for anyone else who is considering “testing the waters” any time soon.
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I hope you can learn something from it. I was asking myself what that testing the waters was for you? What outcome did you expect?
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Thinking of my response, its almost embarrassing to answer
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Hey Gabby,
As a “testing the waters” pro I can appreciate everything you are feeling. I am still not even quite ready to admit I am an alcoholic but what I am doing differently this time is treating my recovery like I am an alcoholic. Guess what! It is working. So whether I am or not does not matter. I am sure that I won’t drink today. I will go to a meeting and I will go to bed sober today.
I have no idea what the future holds, will I get my act together in life? Will I have a plan? Truthfully, I have no idea. I just know that if I don’t drink today then something good will come from that and everything will somehow work out and be better.
Just keep coming back 
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