Hey im 30, been drinking since i can remember. But my mom past from alcohol 5 years ago.and it runs in my family…ive had a drink everyday since she passed…waking up drinking, till i go to bed, functioning…never miss work, pay my bills, etc…im engaged and have a wonderful fiancé, loves me unconditionally…ive been saying for years i need to quit, but recently found out i have HIV 
so i have to make a change, so im determined to stop the cycle…but so scared…i know i can do it, im starting mothers day as a reminder, n motivation…i cant lose everything again, been there to much…cant watch my father go thru the same as mom, so if i can do it maybe it will help him…i have such a crazy story, to much to type…i honestly dont know how to explain it all…dont know what im looking for here…im tryin to find me, and be the person i know i can be, its ok if u dont know how to respond…just venting…thank you…wish everyone the best
Welcome @Smitty You deserve a better life than the hell you’ve been living internally. We’re all walking this journey together. You’ll find a lot of beautiful souls here that will help you anyway they can. 
Thanks…have a hard time talking sometimes…n have alot to say lol
Your not the only one out there man. Alcohol and drugs have destroyed lots of lives. My maternal grandfather had cirrhosis of the liver and decided the best way out was a double barrel shot gun on the front porch of the house. My mom told me the pain was to much to handle and he didn’t want the family to go through the long and painful death. I was five yrs old and wasn’t allowed at the funeral even though it was a close casket. That’s only one instance of several in my family.
Moving on…
@Smitty welcome!! You’re at the right place:four_leaf_clover: addiction is a " family disease" and impacts all of us. My father liked the booze, when he drank he got violent (verbally and fyically: the last one only towards my mom). I saw a lot of violence, lived in fear, became a codependent of the family… and told myself never to let alcohol take over my life. But it seems it did. Now i can see this (honestly without making any excuses anymore like i used to do!!) i feel so relieved, got into surrender that I can do a thousand things in live and live all my dreams if OnLY i quit ONE thing: drinking:metal: