It hurts to watch you. It hurts to see you struggle with a voluntary disease that slowly kills you day by day. It hurts to see those gravestones in your eyes when you are operating in a different plane than those of us around you who love you and want you to be with us in the moment. It hurts to watch that drunk monkey jump around on your shoulder when it’s family time and all you can think about is that itch you need to scratch. It hurts to constantly have a third wheel around when all the person who loves you most wants is true soul fulfilling intimacy. It hurts to repeat conversations because you swear you haven’t heard them before. It hurts when loved ones try to talk about their feelings but your commitment to your addiction is so strong that you will make up any excuse to discredit those very valid feelings of your loved ones. It hurts to watch you drown further and further into your addiction when your loved ones watch you sinking deeper and deeper and you refuse to grab onto the life preserver they throw overboard to save you. It hurts your loved ones who feel undervalued because of how highly you regard your drug of choice and defend it to the death, disregarding the very real pain it is causing those who love you. It hurts that you will protect the one sided relationship with that DOC over the relationships that should be two sided in your life, but that are soon revealed to be one sided because you are incapable of reciprocating real love. It hurts to let you go when it hurts too much to stay and watch. It hurts more than you will ever understand until you make the conscience effort to become sober and finally become the person that the ones who love you know you could be. It hurts. It just hurts.
I’m so sorry. I know you’re in a heartbreaking situation. It isn’t fair and it isn’t right.
Thanks for sharing this. You have tremendous courage to set this down in words. You deserve to be seen and heard, and you deserve to be valued, and at some level, this letter is your voice, manifesting those truths: you are here, you matter, and you are a person who is both in love, and in pain.
I agree with the above post to be honest. Massive amount of courage to post what you did. I am so sorry as well, and I pray for you whole heartedly. The best things in life come at a price, but you are valid and all of your feelings are as well.
You matter. I can’t say it louder. You matter. Always.
Thank you for the encouraging words. I have had to distance myself from him because everything I tried to explain to him he just turned on me to try to make me feel bad about how I felt. Then proceeded to let his ego (which is only trying to protect his addiction) control his response (which did not include a single apology for the pain he caused). I know that my feelings are valid and I should feel valued by someone that I love and care for. However, every time I have tried to see him since “the talk” I just end up feeling even worse about myself because he continues to be entrenched in his addiction, all the while knowing how much it hurts me, and blatantly doing it right in front of me anyways with this, “Ha ha. I can do what I want and you’ll still come back,” mentality about it.
Gravestones in the eyes gave me chills. Brings such a vivid image of myself when I used to use. I hope that you find the strength to do what you have to do to be happy. Its such a difficult situation to be in and I understand both sides. Addiction is so cruel to everyone involved. I’m sorry youre in pain.
All of us in recovery were once that person on the struggling side of it too. It’s so painful to watch it with someone you love. It’s almost like you are living the experience of what those who loved you during your worst times must have felt.
My wife wrote me something similar around my 8 month sober mark. It pretty much broke me down, finally being able to fully comprehend it sober, when I wasn’t defending my DOC like your person is. I explained to her that nothing she could have said or done ( including leaving) would have sobered me up. It just had to come from within. I hope your person finally wakes up, like we did
Congratulations on your sober time. Proud of you.
