I never thought I’d be writing something like this, but here I am. My dad was an alcoholic for most of my life, and now my spouse is struggling with the same addiction. I love my spouse deeply, but this situation has left me feeling torn, confused, and exhausted.
Growing up, I watched my dad battle his drinking, and it was painful. I thought I had put that chapter behind me when he finally got sober after years of ups and downs. But now, seeing my spouse follow a similar path is bringing back all of those emotions—and more.
We’ve been married for a few years, and for the most part, we have a wonderful relationship. But the drinking has taken over. I find hidden bottles, excuses, and broken promises. My spouse is strong in so many ways, but this weakness feels like it’s destroying us both. I’ve tried the “I’ll support you” approach, but each new bottle chips away at my patience. I want to help, but I don’t know how much more I can take.
I’ve been doing some research to try and figure out what to do next. I came across Pacific Interventions, and their resources have been helpful in understanding this disease. They have articles that really opened my eyes to how addiction affects not just the person drinking but also everyone around them. I’ve thought about reaching out to them for more guidance—especially since they have inpatient programs—but I’m scared my spouse won’t agree to it.
If anyone here has been through something similar, I could really use your advice. How do you help someone you love without losing yourself in the process? Do you wait, or do you push them to get help? And how do you hold onto hope when it feels like nothing is changing?
I’m trying to stay strong, but I’m so tired. Any tips, words of encouragement, or resources you’ve found helpful would mean the world to me. Thanks for listening.
Hey Marry.
I’m so sorry to read what you are going through and what you’ve been through. Addiction is a family disease.
Have you tried Al-Anon?
Al-Anon has saved my life and my marriage and most importantly my sanity.
The first thing I learned a very long time ago when my children were using was the
3 C’s
I didn’t Cause it.
I can’t Control it.
I can’t Cure it.
I crawled back to Al-Anon 2 years ago in tears because my life became unmanageable because of my wife’s drinking. I didn’t want to go. But I had no one else to turn to. No one gets it. But people in Al- Anon understand and many have been where I was. Sometimes it just felt good to know I was not alone.
Al-Anon is not going to tell you how to fix the drinker. Al-Anon is not going to tell you what to do. But…. Listening to others share there experience strength and hope is comforting and I’ve learned so much from others share. That and Al-Anon literature have given me my sanity back.
We got a thread over here if you’re interested in checking it out. @StacyAnn thought I’d tag you in too if you’re interested.
I remember you from before. I saw one of your old post. I already gave you that thread once before awhile back. I’m sorry you’re back here dealing with this.
I am sorry you are going through this. It is easier for me to list the people in my family and life that are not alcoholics than it is to list the alcoholics. My husband, children, father, Uncles, Brothers, Cousins and so on…
I 100% second everything @Dazercat has said above. I found Al Anon before I had admitted that I too was an alcoholic and it saved my relationships over and over. I first went to learn how to live with, and cope with my eldest son who was then about to become homeless through his drinking. The meetings and fellowship taught me a better way to live with his disease. Since then I use those skills all the time and can live peacefully with my alcoholic husband.
The way I see it, we are on different tracks but they run alongside eachother so I can see him, be near him and talk to him but sometimes those tracks widen a bit when they need to and give me a bit of distance but they still carry on going in the same direction.
Going to Al Anon is about me, for me. It never has been about the alcoholic. Once I changed my mindset on that and focused on me everything changed.
@Dazercat thanks for the tag. I feel like I need this, Al-Anon. I mean it’s definitely a struggle and I’m pushing through, but being in recovery, while living with a daily drinker… Is not easy at all, and not because it makes me want to drink, but because I’m seeing more and more how WE have(had) a drinking problem, which I recognized before, but now sober… He has a huge issue and idk how I’m going to cope with it.
Wow! You are living my story from almost 5 years ago. It did not make me want to drink either. I documented a lot of my journey on that thread. It was hard. But in a strange way kept me sober too.
There’s a lot of double winners in Al-Anon.
(AA’ers) And the best part is. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Did y’all make it through? Are you still together? He’s so grumpy, and negative, and it’s starting to get to me. Like don’t let one bad moment make your whole day bad cuz you drag it TF out.
Hi Marry,
Been there, done that. No advice from me because I had enough of the constant turmoil, lovelessness, mean behaviour and bullshit. I left with a big bang and it took me 2,5 years to finally excruciate my ex from my life. He is still in denial, dui done, now mostly sober but his character change from drinking stays.
Since I focus on myself and work my way towards a good life for me it became a lot better.
Take every support available, maybe couple councelling is an additional option (my ex refused sadly). Focus on yourself. Time will tell how it evolves. Some couples make it, some not. It’s not only a question of love, it’s a question how much one can bear & take without suffering severe irriversible damage.
Sending good vibes
