Hi, I thought of checking in and here I am.
So, something quite ‘powerful’ for me happened today, at least I feel that way. I uh, I didn’t relapse today despite all the urges. I didn’t give in to the urges of sex. What started as a PMO addiction has now become something like this. It is worse, true, and I’m super devastated looking at how I am today.
I was already at the state of browsing for prostitutes, asking for prices, and I’m one ride away from going to the hotel. But, I dunno, something tells me to not do it. And somehow, I listened.
It feels quite relieving though there’s this feeling of heaviness somehow. I dunno why I feel this way, perhaps you guys can enlight me if similar feelings have been experienced in your journey, but hey, all in all, you don’t got me today urges.
Not freaking today.
edit: forgot to mention that I’m just 8 days in, so, a lot of support are still needed since it still feels like shit.
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It’s good that you decided against seeing a provider. Going down that path will not lead to gratification. You’ll only want more. The addict is never satisfied. Save yourself the time, money, and risk of contracting an STD.
My last reset involved looking up providers. I thought I could justify that it wasn’t acting out because I turned off pictures on my browser to avoid getting lit up by my Covenant Eyes. And I’m glad it didn’t go further, but honestly, I was doing some pretty high level behaviors.
For me, relapse starts way before I use porn, MB, or prostitutes. It starts with lust, fantasy, obsessing, urging. And if I don’t take stock of what’s going on with my own mind, then the actions will follow. In other words, it’s not enough for me to stop the behaviors. I have to stop thinking about them.
Now, I’ve needed a lot of help from God in this area. I’ve had to pray a lot more. Cause my mind is in the gutter. If I simply let my thoughts and eyes roam wherever they please, then soon I’m falling into that slippery rabbit hole. I don’t give myself permission to look or to think on such things that my addict can use to indulge in it’s perversion.
Say ,“No,” to the first thought, and there won’t be a second, or a third, or a fifth, or an eighth.
If I don’t think it, I won’t crave it.
And I don’t crave, I won’t cave.
Game over. I win.
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Thank you so much for sharing with me, Kevin. This means a lot. And thank you so much for the insights, I’ll be sure to apply it in my own journey!
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Just don’t give up. Keep learning. In the end, it’s totally worth it.
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