It's becoming increasingly difficult each day

Emotional Support
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trigger warning

I am having a quiet breakdown right now. I muffle my screams of anguish so I do not risk waking anyone up but I have always had this deep inconsolable loneliness inside of me. It resurfaces on occasion but there are times like this when it begs to be heard and let out even for a night, so I let it…

Wherever I go I long to escape in hopes of finding my own peace of mind. It’s a quiet engine running in the background that I suspect also feeds my anxiety.

Although I am immensely grateful, I am also incredibly unhappy. I so often mask it in every day life that I feel myself a hypocrite, a fraud for my inability and fear of being completely myself that some view me as inauthentic. In times I do express my unfiltered thoughts I happen upon people who misunderstand and harshly critique me. Granted I could work on refining my behaviors and words but I feel censured afterwards.

I need to get out of here at one point.

“At one point”… This is the only hope that is fueling me in the day to day but my uncontrollable thoughts become so incessant inside my head sometimes even in my waking hours that I look zoned out or angry in public but it is me containing my mind from spilling over.

I could also never fully trust most people out of fear and the ever looming inevitability of loss that would surely rip my heart to shreds again and again and again as it has happened plenty before.

I pray I don’t give in to the call of alcohol after work tomorrow because I’d rather quietly suffer in the absolute rawness of it than drown it out with a drug that only temporarily soothes these thoughts and feelings.

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I’m not going to invalidate your experience with platitudes or psychological maxims.

I will say that I’m here, albeit virtually, sitting with you. If you need a hand to hold—you’ve got one; a shoulder to cry on — I have two for you; someone to shout at — I worked with teenagers, I can take it.

:people_hugging:

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I hear you. Ive felt that deep lonliness. It was soul crushing. I hope sharing here relieved some of that pain. We sit with you in this

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Sending hugs and comfort :people_hugging::folded_hands:

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How are you doing today, my friend?

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Thank you for checking in. I appreciate it :slightly_smiling_face:

I am doing much better lately. It helped to express my thoughts to a supportive community, reach out to others, and most especially to cry it out as I tend to hold things in until I crash out because of the sudden emotional overwhelm aside from stress and burn out, too.

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I like to think we say what we feel, so we can–feel. Please keep shouting out, we’re listening.

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