It's been a while... And it's time to tell my story

Your Story
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trigger warning for relapses in self-harm & alcohol, suicide attempt and rape.

Hi.
If you were a lot here on Summer, you might know me, because I was pretty much active here on Summer due to rehab from benzos. I think I even did a journal about it.
But with coming Autumn I left, we could say. Mainly because I was a lot busy with school and work. Which still I am, just now with school, because I’ve got kicked out from my work after 3 months working there. Such a fun thing. /s
So. What exactly happened, when I left? You might ask. And I will tell you: I started to have a big massive nightmares. Every. Fucking. Night. Because of it I stopped to sleep and developed insomnia with which I’m still fighting.
I as well was in fight or flight mode 24/7 and had flashbacks. Flashbacks about that one man. My ex boyfriend. You might remember him, if you know me longer time.
And why I mention him here? Guy just cheated on you and left you. You might say. And… It’s really hard to say that, but there’s one thing, which I realised only at September.
I was raped by him.
I don’t remember in details how it all was, but I only remember, how even giving him my body without my own permission was such a painful event. It hurted a lot. Physically I mean. And still hurts. And this I mean in mentally.
I just gave him my body naively thinking it will fix something. I was so, so wrong. I only destroyed myself with this act.
So yeah. Another trauma, which still affects my daily life, now just in extreme aggression, flashbacks and panic attacks which came back for me after one and half year.
As well some few people from that guy where a lot cyberbullying me. You know. “You lie”, “He’s goos guy, you’re just the bad one”, “Karma will find you” and even “Kill yourself”. Which I actually tried at the end of September I think. I don’t remember it properly now.
Of course it didn’t work out, which broke my heart much more. “I’m so tired, please why I stay here alive?” I wondered. And being VERY honest, I still wonder. It’s like some virus affecting my thoughts or what.
October went somehow better. Got meds which made me at least sleep without nightmares. I worked a lot. I even overworked I think. But got a lot of money, which I used for my art stuff and! Fun fact: anime figures, on which I have currently
hyperfixation. :joy: But it at least makes me feel better.
And then November. A lot of relapses in self-harm and alcohol this time. Girl which I liked a lot said she won’t talk with an alcoholic, which broke my heart honestly. She’s so pretty, if you wonder. Also we had similar interests and hobbies…
But whatever.
And then losing a job - which I already mentioned. I’m currently finding another one and for now I don’t have anything. It makes me feel stressed a lot. I need to somehow care of myself and I don’t know how long time I will be without a job…
Basically, my life is being an asshole to me again and I currently try to survive depressive episode + healing trauma from rape, which still affects me in daily life.
Also it will be soon December and I think I will write to Santa to bring me good mental health. :sob:
And how are you all?

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Hey sweet Nastya – it is so lovely to hear from you. Been thinking about you and hoping you were well. I am so sorry for what you have been going through my friend. Sounds like a hell of a few months that you have gone through.
I am grateful that you are here with us. Are you still seeking in person support? Hopefully you are still continuing to get restful nightmare sleep.

I’m sorry for all that you have endured and overcome. You are a precious being and deserve a pain free (emotionally, physically and spiritually) life.
Grateful to hear that you are still enjoying fun stuff in life like art and your anime figures.

So much love, comfort and peace your way dear friend. I do hope that you stay in touch. :heart: :people_hugging: :heart:

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Hey nastaya. Im sorry your dealing with all that but I’m glad you trying to end it in September didn’t work out. Life has a way of working itself out of we just push through the bad times. Just come on here and vent whenever the depressive mood starts. Hopefully with the new meds you’ll start to feel better a little each day.

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Hey! So glad to see you again. Thank you for your kind words. It means for me a lot. :heart:

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Thank you and that’s sweet you want to know me more! I do digital and traditional art, drawing mainly my characters, sometimes fanarts ^.^

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Thank you a lot<3

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Three things.

  1. F#@* him.

  2. Your pain is something I cannot fathom, but I am so sorry that you experienced this. Trauma and abuse is hard to say the least, even on the best of days. What he put you through and continues to do is not something you’re at fault for or to blame. I hope that you are working with people like support groups, therapists, and whatever else can help to get you through this pain. Your life is valuable.

  3. I’m encouraged by your strength. You’re back… And not only are you back but you’re letting go of the hold this has on you by sharing it and exposing it for what it is.

People who aren’t willing to see you for who you really are and be there for you in your time of need aren’t worth your time. When we heal it shows on our external selves and when it does that it attracts people who are worth while and healthy for us.

You ARE amazing!

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  1. I can only agree. He deserves it so much.
  2. It is hard… Even knowing the fact that here no one would shame me, I was still so scared to tell that I was raped. Yes, I’m going to therapy sessions and my psychiatrist changed my dose to somehow fight with my depression and PTSD.
  3. Thank you so much. Honestly I missed you all. I’m glad I came back.
    And again thank you so much for you sweet words. :heart:
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You deserve an equally great life to any other person in this life.

In my past, I failed to value myself enough to believe I did.

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Hi Nastya,
Nice to meet you. I have so many things in common with you.
It really helps me to focus on every little thing I have to be grateful for… I write them down and try to make it very thorough. My eyes, my ears, my teeth (although several are missing from a car accident I had over 4 decades ago, I’m grateful for those I have left), my comfy bed, and so on.
By focusing on the positive I have here and now I spend less time looking back and have been able to make huge leaps forward.
All the best to you. With love, Jodi