trigger warning for relapses in self-harm & alcohol, suicide attempt and rape.
Hi.
If you were a lot here on Summer, you might know me, because I was pretty much active here on Summer due to rehab from benzos. I think I even did a journal about it.
But with coming Autumn I left, we could say. Mainly because I was a lot busy with school and work. Which still I am, just now with school, because I’ve got kicked out from my work after 3 months working there. Such a fun thing. /s
So. What exactly happened, when I left? You might ask. And I will tell you: I started to have a big massive nightmares. Every. Fucking. Night. Because of it I stopped to sleep and developed insomnia with which I’m still fighting.
I as well was in fight or flight mode 24/7 and had flashbacks. Flashbacks about that one man. My ex boyfriend. You might remember him, if you know me longer time.
And why I mention him here? Guy just cheated on you and left you. You might say. And… It’s really hard to say that, but there’s one thing, which I realised only at September.
I was raped by him.
I don’t remember in details how it all was, but I only remember, how even giving him my body without my own permission was such a painful event. It hurted a lot. Physically I mean. And still hurts. And this I mean in mentally.
I just gave him my body naively thinking it will fix something. I was so, so wrong. I only destroyed myself with this act.
So yeah. Another trauma, which still affects my daily life, now just in extreme aggression, flashbacks and panic attacks which came back for me after one and half year.
As well some few people from that guy where a lot cyberbullying me. You know. “You lie”, “He’s goos guy, you’re just the bad one”, “Karma will find you” and even “Kill yourself”. Which I actually tried at the end of September I think. I don’t remember it properly now.
Of course it didn’t work out, which broke my heart much more. “I’m so tired, please why I stay here alive?” I wondered. And being VERY honest, I still wonder. It’s like some virus affecting my thoughts or what.
October went somehow better. Got meds which made me at least sleep without nightmares. I worked a lot. I even overworked I think. But got a lot of money, which I used for my art stuff and! Fun fact: anime figures, on which I have currently
hyperfixation. 
But it at least makes me feel better.
And then November. A lot of relapses in self-harm and alcohol this time. Girl which I liked a lot said she won’t talk with an alcoholic, which broke my heart honestly. She’s so pretty, if you wonder. Also we had similar interests and hobbies…
But whatever.
And then losing a job - which I already mentioned. I’m currently finding another one and for now I don’t have anything. It makes me feel stressed a lot. I need to somehow care of myself and I don’t know how long time I will be without a job…
Basically, my life is being an asshole to me again and I currently try to survive depressive episode + healing trauma from rape, which still affects me in daily life.
Also it will be soon December and I think I will write to Santa to bring me good mental health. 
And how are you all?
