Hi, my name is Adaire. I’m 20 days sober today. I have had many starts and stops, but I’m determined to find a new way to deal with anxiety and depression.
I’m 48 years old, married to an incredible woman who is in the Navy. We have been together for 10 years and married for 6 years at the end of this month.
We have weathered a lot. Being a military spouse is no easy picnic. It is ‘Resilience 101’ by definition! The deployments, the LDR (long distance relationship) the moving every 3 years, but it’s also been one of the best adventures of my life!
We met online when I was living in CA and she was stationed in HI. At the time, it was still under DADT, so we had to be secretive about our relationship for 3 years (No Facebook relationship status changes, photos calling her out, holding hands in public where she might be seen, etc.)
At the time, I lived in “Wine Country” Central Coast of California. There are Wineries EVERYWHERE and if you were a white woman without a glass of Chardonnay in your hand, someone would make sure you had one STAT! My parents drink A LOT!!! To them, it looks like every moment is a celebration, and that celebration would not be complete without a bottle or 3 of wine a night! I learned to drink heavily by 24.
There were many drunk dialings, drunk “Santa”, drunk tooth fairy, and drunk easter bunny, while I tried to pull together all the responsibilities and expectations that being a mom has. In addition, I had only come out of the closet as a Lesbian (finally) at 38.
Even after a horrific divorce from my youngest child’s father, I carried PTSD trauma from the abusive relationship. Drinking was my escape, and way to drown out the truth of who I was, and my growing resentment of everything about him.
I had to learn to operate in a new and more mature way with my wife. She is the opposite of me: Healthy minded, level-headed, doesn’t drink but during Navy ball or once in a blue moon. She also handles anger in a much more appropriate way than I do.
She has always been my anchor, always encouraging me no matter how many times I relapse, she is there. My kids are there, and so loving and helpful. I have a great support system now, as we don’t live in CA anymore, and while my parents and I have a great relationship, I am thankful we live 5-hour flight from them, so I am not tempted.
I want to be a better mom to my kids, and a better wife to my wife (You know the saying: “Happy Wives, Happy Lives!”) And we would save a ton of money, which I hope we can use to dig out of debt much faster. At the rate I drank, I am saving our family about $180 per month. May not sound like a lot but it’s a weekly grocery shop. (we live in Hawaii, where everything is premium prices)
I don’t attend AA. I’m sure that might alarm many, but I have tried many times and I just can’t get around the religious tone. I had many horrific childhood experiences around Christianity and it triggers me in the worst way, which is not conducive to healing. If you know of an Atheist version of AA, I would consider it.
While I am out of the loop of my Central Coast Chardonnay connection, I live in a military community, where drinking is a sport, hobby, and full time career for many spouses. Like i said, it’s hard to be a military spouse and many times it feels very isolating. I can’t hang around and do “Paint and Sip” just yet. Not until I have at least 90 days under my belt. Thank you. Sorry for the tangent.