it was physically hard to admit that im a human in the title. i wish i would be an unidentified entity instead, a shadow of something… many things about being a human gross me out. i hate being aware of everything. i also hate being myself. i can’t bring myself to contribute to things in real life. my mom gets mad at that but i’d really rather disappear. at least i still have my memory issues. i hope they get worse tbh.
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It’s hard to be human, you’re right. There’s so much about physicality that is awkward and agonizing and sometimes kinda weird.
Being a human is about transformation, which is always two things: growth and/or decay. Both of those processes can be gross. (Just think of every example of growth you can think of, and every example of decay. Tell me those things aren’t kinda gross in some ways.) Both of these processes involve loss and some type of suffering.
The thing about an entity - a disembodied entity - is it doesn’t live in a process of transformation. It lives in the ether: eternal, changeless. (Growthless?)
As humans at some level I think all of us want freedom from the suffering and grossness of life: freedom to enter the eternal, the changeless. In some ways your share today reminds me of the core principles of Recovery Dharma, a Buddhist based recovery program (life as suffering and the desire for freedom from suffering are core questions in Buddhism):
There’s a longtime member here who recently started working with Recovery Dharma and has been posting about it:
My new journey in Recovery Dharma
Not sure if that’s maybe in some way relevant to what you’re going through, but to me it sounds like it might be (that’s just my guess though 
). In any case, it’s hard to be human, that’s true. Keep checking in, keep searching, and keep sharing. You’ll find what works for you.
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thank you so much!! i’ll go read it now
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