This disease is going to kill me one day.
Im serious.
I have very little faith in the medical community based on my experiences. I dont trust big pharma drugs. Weed is no longer the answer for me. I have no friends and only one family member who actually cares about me.
I’ve beyond given up.
For someone like me… there is no hope.
I was doomed before I was even born with an alcoholic father and two alcoholic grandfathers and it runs so hard in my genetics.
People in general dont seem to like me or want anything to do with me. I have a hard time accepting new friends because everyone ends up abandoning me.
The only career path I know is waiting tables and alcoholism runs rampant there. No idea what else to do. Alcohol is everywhere. Im sick of spending all my time alone avoiding all the ass holes in the world.
Im tired of being alone but cant trust anybody based on my life experiences.
No on not a soul understands me except maybe Jesus Christ. I feel like the demon of alcohol is out to kill me.
I try and try and try so hard and keep getting knocked down no matter what I do.
Before going to rehab this last time I kept wishing I would go to sleep and not wake up. I dont understand why I have to keep waking up. What for? I have no purpose.
The world is just one big bully against me and I dont understand why. If i stand up for myself im an ass hole loser. If I stay kind Im stepped all over.
I have no hope.
I need prayers. Big time…
Big big time…
Seems like every year ever since 2019 just gets worse and worse. Doesnt matter what I do. Drink, stay sober, try to get medication.
None of it matters.
Pray for me please. Im hurting
You matter. Try to rest tonight, wake sober and work on staying out of your head tomorrow by helping others.
Works for this drunk.
I’m so sorry @donut89, I accidentally posted in the wrong thread.
Hang in there, it’s tough being in that space where you feel like no one cares or understands. I’ve been there so many times and it’s so hard to see an end to the pain. Sending you as much strenght as I can online. It might not seem this way right now, but things can and do get better with sobriety.
thanks for the support so far…
i used weed for the past 4 years to try to get myself away from the booze and for the most part it worked but honestly I know it was causing me problems I just havent defined exactly what they were,
other than paranoia that I was smelling like it in an illegal state… which i still think is BS as its safer but whatever…
Thankfully I’ve been pretty much sober from weed for close to 2 months now, except for a few hits i took the other day but I am clean as far as a piss test is concerned. I want a better job outside of the restaurant industry is why im tryna just stay away from it.
im pretty intent on keeping it that way because I want better job opportunities… plus it just gets so expensive and my “weed guy” isnt a friend, only hits me up to see if i want to buy which we were supposed to be friends. not the case. real frustrating to shell out what amounts to thousands over time to someone and they only chill for 5 minutes then bounce.
I just have no idea what will work for me.
Im losing hope especially after this last hardcore binge i had which was the worst since 2019…
ive been to rehab 3 times this year, a first for me as i usually just detox at the hospital but they dont do it that way anymore…
I dont know the cure for me. It runs so hard in my family. AA meetings are kind of out of the question because I cant really afford my car insurance right now, dont even know if i still have my job…
i tried to do the right thing and opened up to my boss about my issue with alcohol over the phone and she sounded irritated i can just read peoples tones of voice. It hurts.
It hurts a lot to have a disease that nobody seems to understand. I try until im blue in the face to explain it to people but even medical doctors cant seem to understand what i am trying to tell them.
its so complicated with me. I hate medication pills…
Ive just been brainstorming ideas on what it is i can do to get on the right track.
I get on the right track, theres always some ass hole to pull me down whether its at work or pretend friends making backhanded comments.
Trying to figure out my purpose…
no idea what to do.
Anyone ever been to a halfway house? any success? long term rehab? i dont want pills shoved in my face and that seems to be what they do. sorry no offense i know medication works for some but pills terrify me.
Im at my wits end.
I would like to think the struggle is leading me to my purpose but thats wishful thinking… its always been wishful thinking with me.
My mind is in a dark place where i just think of buying a big bottle of vodka and dying from alcohol poisoning so i never have to deal with this pain anymore.
its a lot.
im sorry to unload. and im sorry its a lot to read.
just thanks for letting me vent and for any words of encouragement…
We used to talk a little wheni was around here a few years ago and I’m sorry that you are hurting. Can you not do some online meetings they are run pretty much constantly. There may well be some aspects of your life that we cannot individually understand but on the whole most of us understand far more than you think. We have all fought this demon that is addiction. I would really like to see you start winning your battles. 
Take it easy on yourself friend, there’s only one you and right now you have the opportunity to make a difference. It’s a tough obstacle to overcome but you can do it. I believe in you and I don’t know you at all. If you need someone to check in with, reach out, I’m on here several times a day.
i will have to look into some online meetings…
thank you. im going to try to be on here more often to check in
I am so sorry you are in this rough spot right now. It’s hard when you feel disconnected from everything and everyone, I can very much relate. When I feel hopeless and see no point in getting up, the first thing I do is turn to gratitude. It feel counterintuitive in the moment, but the more I write and read, the easier it gets. It’s a practise that changed a lot for me. Sending strength and keep coming back, we are always here 
I don’t know if weed is less severe than alcohol. Alcohol might be slightly more poisonous to the body. Still weed kills our spirit, kills our soul. It gives us paranoia, depression, inertia, schizophrenia. When we smoke it it destroys our lungs. Been there done that for 35 years. When it’s our DOC and we’re addicted to it, it’s a destructive as any drug out there.
I’m eight years free from the stuff today. Took me another four to realize I’m an addict per se and quit the booze too. I work in a detox now. Detoxing from cannabis is hard work. There are no pills to help. We have to do it ourselves @donut89. Withdrawal is a long process. And the road to Recovery is long. And it’s a lot of work. But it can be done just as long as we don’t try and do it alone.
Just like with any addiction we need our peers to make it through. I’m glad you’re here Donut. I hope venting helps you. Please keep (it) coming. It’s what we’re here for. We’re in this together friend. 
Donut!!! My heart goes out to you. You helped me so much when I was trying to get sober and youre such a good and real person. I did AA and it gave me purpose as well as sobriety. Well didn’t gave me those things. I pursued them. I really encourage you to hop into the program and try to start to actually work the steps with a sponsor juat sitting in on meetings isnt the same. Message me ill be your temp sponsor ill do whatever you think would be helpful. There is still hope if you are still breathing.
Someone will pick you up and take you to meetings if you ask them. Its a life threatening disease dont be too proud than to ask for help.
Most of us didnt get it first time and yes when I stumbled it was harder than before I ever even tried in the first place because i felt like a failure. Its impossible to see now but one day you will see this all with a new perspective. I believe in you.