Stick around. This place is just like life. You will find wonderful people that want to help you…you will find some people you just need to ignore
I know how it feels to have buried who you are and your emotions for a lifetime, you are not alone in that but you know what only once i got sober and got past all the bad shit id done and said and really started work on myself i found out that y’know im really not that bad…in a way im glad im an addict because if i hadnt been i probably would have never looked at myself so closely, nothing has to be done straight away its a journey of getting to know who you really are once the addiction is stripped back…im actually getting quite emotional writing this because i really want you to give yourself that chance because u deserve that
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Your mother is just a person like any other…shes not perfect and has her own flaws…if thats how she chooses to deal with things it doesnt mean shes correct in that nor does it have to affect how you live your life, her opinion is really only that…just let her have that. Its you that you need to focus on…you know you have an issue to work on, you do that for yourself knowone else so its immaterial what she thinks, in my early sobriety i felt like i was fighting both the addiction and my mother but i realised i didnt need my mothers understanding to get sober and neither do you. I often walk out of my mothers house in full agreement to what she says because it makes my life easier it doesnt mean i really do agree lol
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You have just mirrored what various therapists have also said. Everyone is allowed to have their opinion, and if they arent aligned with the way i live my life then that is ok. On paper i know this to be true. Its the putting into practice that i struggle with.
I have stayed living in my home town for years because moving away would upset my family. It eats me up. When i got my first tattoo my Mum cried. It made me feel so bad i tried to scrub it out of my skin. She has since come around to them and i took full advantage of that.
I know i am the one that needs to change. I even recognise what those changes are (at least some of them), im just not quite there yet.
Thank you so much for your messages, they really help. I think you are a nice person. I will give myself a chance. Im trying. Apparently i hold myself to much higher standards than i expect from other people, and when i inevitably fail to achieve those standards, i insist on punishing myself.
The lady my employer forced me to see was a very smart lady. She earnt her money with me i promise that. Its not that im trying to be stubborn, its that my ‘rules’ are so ingrained, its so difficult turning my thinking around.
I feel better today because of the messages on here though. So your words have made a positive difference i promise that.
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This is how you feel now and thats fine but i think sobriety gives us new perspectives once we are in it so my advice now is to just focus solely on that for now, but keep coming here so we can help guide u yeah?
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I promise you i will. And thank you again.
Genuinely blown away with kindness. Also if you need a sounding board or punchbag feel free to contact me. Im good at being both.
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I think many of us can very much relate to this. It has been liberating for me to let go (slowly, slowly) of being my biggest critic. Sobriety has helped me find compassion and grace for myself (and others). And my journey reminds me (as StarLight14 also so elegantly shared) that all of us are just humans, doing our best. We all deserve loving kindness and compassion. 
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Im glad, remember good or bad we are not judgemental here and this is a safe place, and thank you i will definitely remember that, i appreciate you, you dont know it but youve already helped me today 
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Something ive been mulling over after a few things youve said…i always speak straight from the heart so i apologose in advance if any of this is offensive to you, i mean the very best with this…your story chimes with me because of the issues you’ve shared about your mother and you said at one point your not sure who you are…my mother is pretty over bearing, a control freak by her own admittion, very old school and rather than be in denial like your mother she took the approach with my addiction to try to shame me into stopping…basically told me I was the worst person and mother she had ever seen…it didn’t stop me it made me worse because I believed her because she’s my mother and I think this is why…im not blaming my mother she wants the best for me and is being a mother the best she knows how but she doesn’t understand addiction full stop…I feel like when our mothers are controlling there is a tendency for us wether we realise it or not to act in a child like fashion…hence the sneeking around and the feeling like we only dont use when we don’t have the opportunity…we are out of their control so to speak…I think this feeling and behaviour then spreads to other possible authority figures in our lives like spouses, partner, relatives because subconsciously we are 'controlled" its even more unbearable when you upset your mother because largely she holds the strings of your emotions too because you dont do that for yourself…
it wasnt until the penny dropped with me at the start of my sobriety that the only person that controls me is me I began to really take responsibility and then get to know myself properly…