I have rejoined just to give anyone who may have wondered an update.
Im not going to get involved here too much. Apologies for the toys i threw out of my pram yesterday. It has made me realise that i really dont play well with others, so i’ll take myself away from that threat.
However to those who showed kindness i did meet my dealer last night. I paid him what i owed and told him i am going back into recovery.
I told him my total consumption over the last few days and he took a step back. He actually said the words ‘how are you still alive’. Then he shook my hand and wished me the best, and i went home.
Hardest thing i have done, but i pay my debts and last night was a very positive experience for me.
I then donated a weeks worth or drink and drug money to a charity that will provide christmas gifts to children that are in vulnerable situations.
I have woken today feeling broken but for the first time in so long, like i have done something i am proud of.
I encourage you to stay around. The opposite of addiction is connection. Engage with only those who are supportive and give you encouragement. I’m dropping a link on how to mute members, in hopes you give the forum another chance. Everyone deserves to be here including you.
This place can be supportive and a good place for community and sometimes it takes a bit to feel safe or comfortable.
Everyone’s journey is different, because we all have different origin stories, life experience, brain chemistry, etc. And we all bring our experiences to the forum. We all deserve to be here, no matter where we are at in our journey.
No matter what you decide, I am wishing you strength, sobriety and peace.
You’ve been through a lot, and I really admire what you did with your donation for the kids. I don’t know what happened with posts and all that, but if you decide to stick around, that’s great. And if you decide not to, that’s fine too. What matters is not what anyone else says or does, what matters is that you protect your sobriety. It’s your number one priority. I wish you all the best on your journey of freedom.
Im so proud of u! my husband and I did the same thing with our old dealer. Paid him what we owed and actually said that we were quitting and that he wont be hearing from us anymore. It was a very empowering experience. And what a nice gesture for u to do with the charity. I think that was such a lovely idea to help children in need. Im glad ur back
@DogtoothCowboy first I want to say that Am apologetic for how many of the comments that were made and how it made you feel. I have also been in these shoes, and deleted my account awhile back because of them.
I understand the reasons behind why you felt that you needed to do what you did, and kudos to you for facing such a huge mountain in the very beginning of your journey.
The advice I had to give myself in my openness to sharing here, is everyone is on their own journey here, some in the beginning, some closer to the neverending end. There’s so many demons to face in this journey and no matter where we are in this journey we can still be hit in the face with a brick wall. Take a tally of those you can count on to support you positively and as quickly as you can block the ones you feel are unhealthy for you.
These journeys are ours alone, and when people share, they generally share what worked for them, but this is not a one size fits all world.
You DO belong here, and your journey is valid and real just like your feelings.
There is still so many people here to support you and share their success stories beyond those few that just aren’t in that place yet.
Kudos again to you for sticking around and doing what worked for you.
Welcome back. I’m happy you are here. I had a few comments lobbed my way in early days that caused me true anger. I would pause with ice in my veins and think “where did that come from”?
It’s so tricky that we have to interact with so many people when we are so emotionally vulnerable. I try to take what I can from the good comments, honestly supportive ones were super hard for me to hear too, and deflect the bad ones. I am a sensitive soul and one of those people who thinks strangers are mad at me if I am treated unkindly. In sobriety I am learning that I am only in charge of my own feelings. If someone is rude I pretend its because their dog died, say how sorry I am for their loss (in my head ) and move on.
I did run into a few “don’t go here, don’t do that” people in early recovery. I did stop at those comments too. It can feel controlling but I truly believe everyone here has good intentions and the moderators are quick to weed out those who lurk nefariously. You are ultimately in charge of not putting hand to your DOC. Use whatever tools you have to make that happen. Take what is helpful and leave the rest. This space is for you too. 🩶🩷
Thank you for your lovely messages. They mean a lot to me.
I am an oddball by nature, and far too sensitive as my Mum always told me. This is just a bit of context so my actions may make a little more sense (i am not saying my behaviour is excused or valid, but hopefully it will allow some understanding).
I have always been tortured by my emotions. Such strong ups and downs all my life. The sting of heartache, sadness has been a big factor also. To the point where i cannot cope.
I started self harming when i was 8, and flirted with suicide by the age of 10.
2 attempts as an adult (1 almost an experiment, the other near success. If my neighbour hadnt been quicker i wouldnt have been resuscitated).
This led to many hours of therapy and psychiatry. I was diagnosed autistic only 2 years ago, and bipolar recently.
So basically sometimes my responses to situations arent average, but seem very real to me. I battle every day to regulate my emptions, but they do get the better of me, especially times when im not feeling strong.
Im not after sympathy (honestly i hate attention). I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone and apologise again for my bad reaction the other day.
I try to keep interactions with people to a minimum, as i am out of my depth socially.
So i am here. But i may not be the best member of the forum, and i may not always be ‘normal’. One last thing. I have and will never use my diagnosis for an excuse to be rude or behave badly. When these things do happen know that for days after i feel dreadful, and analyse what i did and how i can avoid it next time. I hate doing it because when i lose perspective i can hurt people (not physically. I have never caused physical harm to anyone), and to me that is the worst thing i can do.
I only saw the first message of your previous thread and had made a mental note to come back later and welcome you properly. I was sorry to see it had been deleted and glad to see you came back. You are very welcome here and I don’t think you are over sensitive. Please stick around, I am sure you have a lot to contribute.
that’s a bunch of diagnosis to carry along with addiction to top it. just want to send you kindness and patience. ODAAT
thanks jenny @JennyH for the information, I did the same and wanted to search for it.
check in here and keep us posted how you are doing @DogtoothCowboy walking the recovery path in company makes it more likely to stay sober
My mother has always told me im too sensitive too and for a long time i felt like i was ‘wrong’ for feeling the things that i did but now i know what i feel is normal for me and that i dont need to fight against or run from those feelings, i know that my mother came from a place of not wanting me to hurt but by telling me i shouldnt feel that way didnt erase how i felt because cast iron proof of it was that something had made me feel hurt. Now i accept how i feel regardless of what she says and deal with it because i know who i am, i hope that makes sense. I admire your honesty and i hope you stick around because i enjoy reading what you share, your rawness…this place isnt about always acting in a perfect manner its about the realness of addiction and i think thats part of what you bring. Nobody expects perfect whatever that is x
Aaah, I really feel for the little children told that. I was a sensitive child and my daughter certainly is. It brings with it all sorts of good qualities too
Absolutely, my mother told me that all my life, until recently i fully believed her…that i was wrong for feeling things…its so detrimental…i never do that to my daughter…ive had to ask my mother not to say such things to her and not to tell her not to cry
Yes I have had family ask me what was wrong with my children when babies/toddlers. Nothing! They are babies, there are too many people in the room raising voices, overheating the place. They don’t like it (neither do I) and they are children so don’t just grin and bear it. And yes to crying being perfectly normal and a good way of processing. Much better for children to let it out.
I am genuinely humbled by you all.
This is all very alien to me, but not unpleasant. I have masked my entire life and it really is exhausting. My therapist has spent hours helping me to accept myself, and my emotions. I do work at it, but for 42 years i buried who i was deep down somewhere, and now im not sure how to be me. That sounds so dramatic, i dont mean it to. I just mean i still behave the way i think society wants me to, and i really dont know who i truly am.
My Mum is a nightmare. She wont accept there is anything wrong with me. I went into recovery last year and managed 90 days. My Mum used to scoff when i spoke about meetings. She constantly asked me if i was drinking alcohol yet. Wouldnt have it that i am an alcoholic let alone an addict. She even witnessed me zombied on a handfull of benzos and STILL wouldnt accept it.
I told her that if i dont have to drive i drink all of the time. Because i could ‘function’ then to her i dont have a problem.
Trouble is she is my Mum. My Wife / Therapist / Boss all tell me the control she has over me is not healthy. I just cant bear to upset her.
Sometimes i actually wish i was an orphan, then i wouldnt have to worry about family.
Anyway i went off piste. I am groggy today. Pounding head and cant think straight. Sorry.
I have a tattoo kit arriving today as a little incentive. Im going to map my sobriety progress on myself.
my husband and I did the same thing with our old dealer. Paid him what we owed and actually said that we were quitting and that he wont be hearing from us anymore. It was a very empowering experience. And what a nice gesture for u to do with the charity. I think that was such a lovely idea to help children in need. Im glad ur back 
) and move on.
