i cant remember a single time in my life where things were okay. i think i was born this way. between my memories and what ive managed to gather from family members i never really had a chance. the sa started when i was an infant. i was no older than four the first time i drank, first time i smoked. i helped move drugs that young too. i think shame is the first emotion i can pick out. it makes me feel sick to miss the old days, before i knew things could be better. it makes me sick to miss what some of them did to me. to miss when i didn’t care about the consequences of what i was doing beyond whether or not i could hide it. it makes me sick to realize that either i was too good at hiding it and thats why no one noticed or that it was just that no one cared. there are things i crave that ive never willingly done. it’s hard to explain that to people. that no, i didn’t do that to myself that it was something done to me. but i stil want it. i think i sound crazy a lot. i dont know what i was born with, what i got from my experiences, and whats a result of addiction. why didn’t they notice? why did they start this? i wish i could form coherent thoughts.
the only things helping me rn are keeping tight rope by papa roach on repeat and my dogs sleeping on the bed with me. but i cant sleep. not yet. im not ready for nightmares
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I have have a 4year old and a 7year old who used to be 4. Sounds like you need to dig alittle deeper in my opinion. 4 year olds are incapable of comprehending at their level.
I’m sorry that at 4 you understand addiction. I feel it affected you and you use it as a way to cope. My 7 year old has been dealing with it since 3 and I can see the mechanism. I choose better. She is now better!
I hope you can get what you need. This forum is great!
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Thank you guys, this is is the exact reason I say this forum is great!
i had to stop going to therapy bc idhave panic attacks before every session and cancel 
i miss the days of in person therapy but i cant afford that anymore, nor do i even have time in my schedule
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