Some thoughts I wanted to share to hopefully help another addict who’s fighting for sobriety while also grieving. The first picture is me with my children just one week out of rehab and about four days after Daniel’s death. The other picture is of us now on thanksgiving of this year❤️ 15 months later. 15 months clean and sober.
I know this journey in recovery sometimes seems unbearable. I know this is hard. Heartbreaking and unfair. It is the worst thing you’ve probably faced in life thus far and you’re trying to stay sober while going through it, I know all you want is to numb the pain. I won’t lie, things are going to feel hard for a long time, but those small moments where you somehow feel the smallest glimmer of hope, just before being thrust back into the deep murky waters. Well, that hope you feel is real.
I know you can’t possibly imagine it right now but in the coming days and months you will be held by the prayers and generosity of many, some close to you and others, complete strangers. When you can’t talk to your higher power, when you are riddled with anger and questions, they will be the ones who talk to him on your behalf. When you feel as if you have come to the end of your rope, the random gestures of kindness you’ll receive will make you cry and push you forward. Pain, as unpleasant as it is, is also the great equalizer. As you hear others share their stories, you’ll not only sympathize, you’ll also empathize with them.
Many people are going to want to do things for you. Let them. In doing so you’ll end up helping them process their own grief and feelings. There will also be those who try and push you out of your grief, making remarks on how you should move on, and there will also be those who expect you to grieve harder, longer. Be gentle with these people, but don’t let them push you in either direction. Feel all of it. Process all of it. Cry in your car or on the bathroom floor, scream until you lose your voice. Choose happiness when you want to. This alone is your process, let it be your own.
I know it feels like the end, I promise you it’s not. Your story continues on. While yes you’re right, it’s not the one you wanted or planned, stay open to the possibilities. I will not tell you the story gets better with time, even if I did I know you can’t imagine that right now. Love isn’t only felt when you’re in the presence of the one you love and I know carrying all that love bottled up inside you around with seemingly nowhere for it to go feels so heavy. I promise you, it won’t always hold the weight it does now. I know it’s lonely and there is so much fear of the future and what’s to come. I promise you though that if you’ll just ride it out, it’s incredibly beautiful.
Hold on,
- Sarahya
