Once a week or so I get this awful feeling. I’ll lay down and try to sleep. My brain will start to go and I’ll feel my heart sink and this overwhelming sense of despair comes over me. (PTSD related, it’s a very specific feeling that I would feel prior to some of my abuse taking place) it’s the worst feeling. It makes me feel so bad that I get anxious about if I’m going to stay clean or not. My heart starts to race so I will lay there completely hopeless with my heart pounding in my chest. It is a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Everytime I feel that my brain screams at me that things are never going to get better. That I’m alone and I will always be alone. Nothing can shut those thoughts off and a lot of the time I just have to focus on lying perfectly still because I’m afraid if I move I will self harm. I just don’t know how much more of that feeling I can take. That’s not to say I’m going to end my life or anything, I just feel like I’m approaching my limit. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to. I’m taking my meds, I’m sleeping, I’m showering. I’m in therapy. Other than eating I’ve been doing everything right. But nothing ever seems to get better. My friend often tells me I can’t even entertain the idea of things not improving, but when I feel like this there’s no way to avoid that line of thought.
I think the worst part is that my addiction to self harm isn’t even providing me with anything anymore. I used to use it to cope but now it doesn’t even help me cope at all. That was all I knew how to do. And now even if I went back to self harm it wouldn’t help or even provide the illusion of helping like it used to. There is nothing I can do to make that feeling go away and it is the most helpless feeling. I don’t know where to go or what to do anymore
