I have made it almost a whole year sober. My husband knows, but I have felt all along that he thought I was making a big deal over nothing. He has been not horribly supportive. He doesn’t drink at all, but y’all: he battled a Vicodin addiction. He knows addiction. He’s just never seemed to believe that I have an issue.
He has never actively cheered me on, which has been a little hurtful. But I had a terrible day at work, capping basically a terrible few months at work (massive layoffs and those of us who kept our jobs have taken on double the work). I mentioned today that there are times when I’d really love a glass of wine. Instead of patting me on tke back for NOT having a glass of wine, he actively tried to talk me into drinking! We just got into basically an argument over the fact that he doesn’t “like to see [me] like this,” and I should just have a glass of damn wine already!
I’m…speechless. I just don’t even know what to do or say. I haven’t had a glass of wine, but I’m just…stunned. Why is he doing this?
He wants me to just shut up when it’s been a bad day and he’d rather I just quietly go get drunk? What?
On top of that, one of my dearest girlfriends spent a couple weeks in rehab, was doing well and then decided she could moderate her drinking and landed right back in there. She’s in very real danger of losing her job. My husband knows about this, and yet, “Just have a glass of wine!”
Im sorry you’re husband is being a dufus, that’s not a fun position to be in, not at all!
Take a walk, get fresh air, clear your head. When you’re no longer upset, come back to this and decide whether or not you really want to pursue the answer, if so, kindly ask your husband why he feels that you should drink? Then listen his answer, say mmhmmm and walk away.
Or let it go and save it for another day.
I’m not an expert on managing marital relationships, I probably should have said that first, but this is my tactic when i am in similar situations with my wife. Ultimately, I let go of maybe 98% of the arguements because at the end of the day, its not worth the trouble and I know I’m right anyways.
Interesting. That sort of attitude comes from someone who doesn’t understand addiction. But it is your sobriety journey. So…come here and we will tell you how awesome you are and what a great job you are doing!
We’re here! And we hear you.
You know the answer, as an addict drinking will not make you feel better.
Look your husband in the eye, tell him you aren’t a drinker you just needed him to listen. If he persists try to equate it to his addiction. How would he feel if you offered him a Vicodin? If he still persists give yourself some distance (headphones on or a different room). Don’t turn your back on a year for a few careless comments. Stay your course, you’re doing great!
Yes yes yes I so get this. Your husband might not ever understand the way you need him to, but he could make an effort to show that he knows your sobriety is important to you. Have you tried telling him that he doesn’t have to share in the triumph, but he does need to demonstrate he knows it’s a triumph for you? There are plenty of things our loved ones do that they are proud of that we don’t share or have in common, but we feel the victory and pride and amplify that. He doesn’t need to get it, but he does need to amplify the good feelings for you.
He is likely either apathetic towards your situation or doesn’t want to carry the feeling that he married an alcoholic. I would not count on his support in the future. If this still bothers you he will not change unless you confront him.
I know this attitude well: Could the nagging woman please shut the fuck up?
Ooops, sober people tend to speak about their feelings and no longer wash them away and numb them in alcohol … they want and need compassion, not a shut up and leave me alone in whatever words.
That can be hard for the man …
Sorry to be a bit sarcastic, not my best day today.
Keep sober, we cheer you
I’m going to mention a point of view from a different perspective. Because Allen Carr writes about this very phenomenon.
I would bang my head against the wall and scream at my wife and children, so that one of them would eventually say, “I can’t bear to see you suffering like this. If life is so miserable without it, I’d rather you give up trying to give up.” What a face-saver. I wasn’t giving in. I was only starting again to make my family happy. I would even accuse them for being the reason I was still an addict.