I usually wake up with my guy(J) to get my daughter ready for school while he gets ready for work. I asked him to let me sleep this morning bc theres no school(MLK day). I slept great and my alarm went off at 9 and hes still in bed(hes supposed to be at work at 9 and he gives someone a ride too). I’m just frustrated bc he loses over $100+ plus whatever he adds to his bonus in 1 day. I’m laid off and making less than $400 a week unemployment and my credit card is almost maxed out. One of our cats is sick and has been throwing up all over the house(and J cant clean it up bc he gets sick) and we cant afford a vet visit rn even tho he needs it. He was supposed to train an old coworker we worked with when J was still at my job who desperately needs work bc he was let go over a year ago after 20 years working there and J told him Saturday night “I’m there for you buddy. I’ll help you with anything you need so you can succeed. See you Monday, 9am” So this 60yo guy’s probably wondering where he is, walking into the office full of 20something year olds. And if I would’ve known he’d be here, I would’ve loved to make it to the Monday morning meeting I havent tried yet.
I guess I just needed to put this down so I dont explode on him when he finally wakes up. He does this quite a bit, tiring himself out on the weekend and missing Mondays(among other days), and we really need the money. I’ve been at my job 5yrs, and the past 3 were my worst with alcohol, yet I’ve only called in one time(bc of the flu). I just dont get it.
I never knew what codependency was until I read about it after I quit drinking, but my picture should be under the definition. I’ve already cut out a few things that I help him with for no reason but for so long I’ve been paying the bills up front when they come, keeping track of half, and he gets me back on Friday, or later. Idk why I’ve done this to myself. He’s always made more money than me but I’ve just handled it all bc that’s what I was used to from every relationship I’ve been in. He finally applied for his own credit card so he can take over some of the automatic bills. Anyways, my rant’s over. Thanks for reading of you did. I feel a bit better but it could just be the coffee kicking in.
Frustrating,I feel you completely,maybe he’s got so accustom to you holding everything down ,so now that’s how he sees the relationship,the great thing about soberity is we see things for what the are ,the picture for us comes into focus .maybe a sit down talk to work out a plan to move forward with sharing the bills and whatever else you feel needs light shed on it.of you take your cat to vet they can’t no treat him/her just explain your situation and arrange a payment plan ,my cats paw was literally ripped off when she was out one night it cost shy of 400 I paid £50 upfront then paid £10 month.kerp going sweet your a strong women.xxx
Thanks for your reply lady. I know I’ve conditioned our relationship to be this way and now that my mind is clear I’ve really been thinking about how I turned into this. Always wanting to help and do everything to make my men happy ending up making myself miserable. It’s been every relationship since I was 18. I’ve been thinking its probably stemmed from my own parents. My mother was an rn(very caring) and definitely made her own money but my dad was the breadwinner, working for GM. And I watched her, over the years, hold down the house(chores, kids, finances) while my dad worked(hard), napped, and drank. I just thought that’s what women do. A few months back she went out of state to stay with her older sister for about a month who had broke her leg to help her bc she had no one else. My poor dad was so helpless. He didn’t know how to run the dishwasher, laundry, and the pile of mail just stacked up unopened til she got home. I helped him out bc hes 74 now and has a lot of problems but I dont want to end up like that(or having a guy like that). I’ve talked already with my man and his response was “just tell me these things.” Our communication is pretty good but it was just me not bringing it up, or bringing it up in the wrong way, that led us here. Thanks again. Hope everything’s going good in your world
Idk if that got to you, I think I pressed the wrong reply button.
I get you I too was raised in a household where the women did and was expected to do all the (women’s things) whilst my dad went out to work and came home and drank ,so I get it I really do sweet.xx it’s a tough one as we have been wired up from a young age with all this stuff but the glory of the story is we know it doesn’t have to be that way,I believe we our parents were young all mum’s and dad’s were in the same boat excluding the drinking part maybe.xx DM any time sweet.xxim off to my first n a meeting today I’m nervous as hell.xx
I’m so sorry to hear about your issues with J. I wish I could give you advice but I wouldn’t know where to begin. Know that I’m listening to u while I read your post. At my daughters rehab I learned all about Al Anon. They put all us codependent enablers in groups. I was in the “rescuers” group. We all talked about how exhausting it is. We were all so TIRED!! When my daughter relapsed as soon as she got home from that rehab instead of pointlessly exhaustingly arguing and trying to fix things I went to my first Al Anon meeting on my own. I just left the room and they all looked at me so surprised cuz this argument was suppose to be about fixing EVERYTHING! I needed to fix myself. Slowly, very slowly I started to feel better and not as exhausted and kept going to Al Anon even if I hated it. It was easier to sit on a couch and listen to other codependents and have some me time than fix the family with a raging addict. After all we can’t FIX the addict. Frankly I can’t fix anything. But I CAN take care of myself first.
Aaaaand Breathe. Always good to get it all out there, get it out your head.
Thanks again and good luck with your meeting. I’m sure itll be fine once you’ve got your foot in the door. I need to start na too as I’m having way more drug cravings than alcohol. Have a wonderful day!
Thank you. I hear you on fixing yourself. I just started aa and already I’ve been able to look at everything differently. I’ve been so worried about him and his addictions, expecting him to quit with me(even tho it’s not as detrimental as I was) but now know I cant do that. I’m working on dealing with my issues and figuring out productive ways to overcome the emotions that come with them. Hes really a good guy and I know he’ll work with me the more we discuss these problems. Have a nice day
Ya my wife wasn’t much help and then I talked to her about ST. She’s supportive but she’s not going to quit drinking. I’m generally ok during her wine in the afternoon but when the martinis come out “for a pick me up” I told her that’s when I feel lonely and depressed. Cuz that’s when she passes out on the couch. She’s doing less martinis at home. Probably cuz I use to be the one that makes them. But she’s still drinking them at restaurants. But talking and expressing feelings helps. It’s been 36 years we should be able to talk.
Yes, you should by that point, lol. My man takes a sober day here and there but drinking doesn’t really change him very much. It’s when other substances come into play that his personality is not to my liking. So, work in progress. And ugh, martinis, miss them the most Anyway, thanks again for listening and input.