I’ve decided everything is stupid and if I could get wasted to oblivion I would. But I have family and responsibilites, and I can’t do that. Angry at myself for even caring about things cause life would be so much easier if I didnt. I could be as selfish as I want. I could do whatever I want and destroy as much of myself as I want without having to worry about the people around me and how it would make them feel. I wish they wouldn’t stick around so I could just let myself go.
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Here I am again. Hope venting helped a bit. Do it as much as you need.
Easier yes. Better/happier no. Quite the opposite. Living a good life takes work. Lots of it. That’s one of the reasons I take it one day at a time. I’ve not cared about my life for about forty years. Drank and smoked and drugged my life away. Living life the easy way. It brought me to the brink of suicide. Now I am finally sober I work on making my life better. It’s hard work I’m not denying it. But I’m finally starting to live. Finally starting to be (do I dare to say it) happy. I find my enjoyment in other things now. And escape in cycling, hiking and other things. Healthy shit. Going to concerts and festivals sober. Way better than drunk. Take care friend.
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Thank you @Mno you’re really great yah know. Venting helps. Putting it in words helps me cry, if I can cry I can release it. And written/typed words hold emotions a lot better than people can.
Funny how living life the ‘easy way’ is actually a hard way to live. Life is full of ironies isn’t it.
I know that not caring isn’t the way to go. I would feel lonely and would end up in a really really bad place. But caring is exhausting too. It means I have to take care of myself even though I don’t think I’m worth taking care of. I’m not a great person. But my family and friends are amazing people. So I gotta be better to make them happy.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to take care of myself to make myself happy too. For now I’ll do it to make them happy.
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I thought that about myself too. Turns out I’m at least a half decent human being, now I put in the work. And getting better at being an OK guy. You’re a better person than you belief. Trust me. We’re all just humans and we can become whatever we want. Most of it anyway 
Edit: I’m forgetting to post another cliche: we can only take care of others when we take care of ourselves first 
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It’s funny, years of therapy as a teen to help me be better and I still end up like this. Though its different issues and I definitely think I would take this over my teen issues.
Maybe I’m an okayish person. I found my way here on my own, before things got really bad. The largest chunk of me doesnt want to continue down this road and I hope that if I can get better that maybe I can help others get better too.
Ahhh that is a cliche that I am very familiar with. Though I will say that I don’t agree with it in all situations it’s definitely a good cliche for me to be reminded of.
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