Just want to talk about an old friend . TW for suicide

Emotional Support
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long story short on October 28th 2017 I lost one of my best friends to suicide. he was 12 and I was 14. so damn young. I just have a really hard time around Halloween. I didn’t find out until Halloween. we were supposed to go trick or treating with a group of friends. I was like “hey where’s Dorian?” and my friends had to break the news. my parents had restrictions on my phone and it blocked new numbers. so I never even got to see when i was texted the funeral info. I feel like I never got closure. I just miss him. I wish I knew what was going on at home. I wish I could’ve been a better friend. I didn’t know he was ever hurting. I know it’s not my fault but as someone who has been there so many times I feel like I should’ve known the signs. however I also know how well I would’ve tried to hide the signs.

it just really stings every year seeing everyone be so hyped for Halloween and all i can do is sulk and feel guilt. I know he’d want me to move on and enjoy Halloween and life in general. I just don’t feel like I deserve that. I let him down.

I think the worst part is seeing people who I know for a fact weren’t his friends talk about how great he was or how close they were. they weren’t. he didn’t have many people who he considered a friend. he was openly gay in the 6th grade, he was severely bullied. I can really only think of 5 people including me that I ever saw him be friends with.

I miss you Dorian. I hope you’re being a goofball and climbing the band room shelves wherever you are. I wish I could’ve seen you graduate. i wish you and your boyfriend got to get married like you two wanted. if there is some kind of afterlife I hope you’re happy and have finally escaped all the hell your family put you through.

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thank you for your kind words​:heart: I’ve attempted as well and you’re right about how only we could’ve stopped ourselves. not sure why I didn’t take my mindset into account when i was in his shoes. I have a therapist and I talk to my best friend about it. I just try not to bring it up a lot because I feel like I’m bothering him even though I know he doesn’t see it like that. I don’t think I ever really grieved. I’ve been in a limbo with it since it happened. I get really depressed around Halloween and then I just avoid the subject the rest of the year. I haven’t heard of her but I might check out some of her books. thanks again :heart:

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I am sorry about your friend Dorian. @Soberbilly shared some beautiful thoughts. I also recommend Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s books, they helped thru similar times in my life. It is true, we cannot stop others making their choices and I know that can be hard to live with. You loved Dorian and I am sure they loved you too. And yes, anniversaries can bring it up. It is so okay to be sad and grieve, grief means we loved and I find great solace in letting tears flow and remembering all those who have gone before us. :heart:

I am often reminded that our grief has the capacity to break our hearts wide open…and that allows us to be more open hearted to others, to life and to our selves. Let those feelings flow thru as Soberbilly says, feel them, you are human and you loved. :heart:

This is a safe space to share. :tulip:

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I’m gonna do my best to keep open :heart:

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grief will definitely do that to you. thank you❤️

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I understand the feeling I had a friend die at a young age, he was also 12 but drowned, I was away at summer camp when it happened a few days before my birthday, I was turning 13, and I found out about it when I came home.

It took me a while to accept it, I was friends with him and his twin brother, ironically they were relatives to my kids mom.

There was some weirdness to it, myself and my friend Kevin who drowned aspired to be Paramedics when we grew up, his house number (the address) was 911.

When I was a young adult an Army buddy committed suicide, and it was like oh shit I wish I know I could have helped or stopped him. Though I couldn’t

But then with my own mental illness, I almost took my own life, the only thing that stopped me was a malfunctioning weapon and a ill timed or perfectly timed phone call depending on which side of the street your on with that. And it gave me time to reflect,

No one knew I was suicidally depressed, no one knew I had a plan to commit suicide. I was moving forward with it, if someone knew they would have tried to stop me, I didn’t want that.

I played the card to hide my depression and suicidal ideations well while dying inside, you would have thought I was just a normal human being that partied too much,

As much as you wanted to help your friend, he knew well enough like we all do, speaking of such things will put us in a situation that we can be stopped, your friend probably like the rest of us, battled mental illness but learned to put on a mask to hide it, never once mentioned suicide, or the thought of suicide to anyone. That can foil your plan, it’s a silent killer, you wake up they are gone.

It’s ok to grieve and take the time to grieve the loss of a friend and their death. You take as much time as you need to heal yourself

My grandmother raised me, also died on Valentine’s Day, so a day I can give 2 fucks about it wasn’t until last year I actually did something for anyone on Valentine’s Day in over 16 years. We all heal at different lengths of time.

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I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I think it’s a different kind of grief losing someone at such a young age. I’ve definitely been suicidal and attempted and it’s so silent. I recall one time a friend told me “you seem a lot happier lately” and that was actually because I had made a plan already. maybe one day I’ll celebrate Halloween again. I’m glad you were able to do something for Valentine’s Day, that’s a big step