Hi all,
Ive relapsed/slipped yet again. My life has been unmanagable since before feb 2020. In that feb i drank drove as i had been, though this was the first time i was blind drunk driving and wrote my car off (was banned from it) it complinated in me going to my first AA meeting and giving the fellowship a whirl, but all i did was look at the differences, and arrogantly put myself above the people there. They say its a progressive illness (which i now know) over the next 4 years things would ramp up over weeks and months ending with me doing something major (usually drink driving) and id go back to the fellowship, stay until i felt better then leave. This time round ive been in the fellowship for 5 months which is longer than any other time, ive got 2 home groups, i do service and I have a sponsor. I have AA friends and WhatsApp groups…but i cant stay stopped and things have ramped up significantly. My drinking since this stint in AA has ramped up! What was happening slowly over weeks and months is happening every week. Drink driving every week, missing work at regular intervals (using different excuses) . Thursday i slipped and got absolutely wrecked. Drunk drove. Got in early hours. Went to work, leaving 40 mins late, did the hour jounrney to site. Hung out for 30 mins there then called up and said ive got an upset tummy. Went home. Drank 3 pints of lager then got my son. Had another pint and a coke then went home. Did an online meeting with young people in my area. Then spent the night wretching with my son listening. Hes a good lad. He wont tell his mum about the pub (1 beer and a coke) He wont say i was ill or wrenching. But i feel like im going insane. In the last 5 months, i have regularly at first getting 4 to 6 day’s soberity at a time, now im getting 10-11 days at a time. The insanity, is im living in the sober realm, expirencing the beauty of soberity. Then dipping back into the drunk realm for a day, where everything goes to shit, and im running around trying to put fires out. The main thing is the guilt and shame i feel about my latest escapade. Ive risked losing it all. Losing my son, losing my job. Losing my freedom, my house, my life. I could of hurt or killed soneone or a group, because of my selfish madness of a deporable few hours. I feel so bad, ive let my son down, my loved ones and my friends. There’s no hidiing from my addiction anymore, everyone’s aware of my problem drinking. People like my mum and dad know bout the driving, but ex and friends dont know, just the problem drinking. This latest escapade i wont be telling my parents, it would break their hearts and really hurt them. The last episode theyre aware of is 3 weeks ago, where i ended up passing out and going to hospital in an ambulance, and that still wasnt enough pain as there have been 2 episodes since. This mornimg a man from the fellowship rang me, as he could see that something wasnt right in the meeting (could tell id had a drink) that phone call was the diffenece today of me wallowing alone, or answering a question he asked me. He asked whats going on in my life to cause me to do this. My initial response was everything’s ok, i have no reason to drink, life is good when im sober. But then i went away and thought about things. I havent been getting to enough meetings. I get lazy and inconsistant. So some evenings and after work, i think ill just stay in and watch tele. Then theres the dreaded madness, where i dont get to a meeting, but i don’t stay in and i have that thought about chilling with that first pint. I never think of the driving, or the being sick, or offending soneone, or the 10th pint. So my new attitude is i need to do a meeting every day mainly evening and if i physically cant get to ghe meeting, ill do online. My daily programme, mainly the mornimg routine went out the window in days before Thursday, again mainly down to being again lazy and inconsistant. Then theres not living right. Eating poorly, watching to much porn, mixing lust up with love, 100% ego and 0% self estemme. Ive got a lot of stuff to process and deal with. Think im just going to have to keep things simple. Do the morning routine, go to work, or being a dad when not working, get to a meeting, go to bed and just do that routine over and over. Im lying here. Trying to be positive for my son, trying to do my best looking after him and tomorrow he wants to make cupcakes for his mums birthday. But inside im dieing with self hatred and shame. Dreading monday, as i could lose my job. Dreading my ex maybe stopping me from seeimg my lad after this weekend. I guess I’m petrified of the consequences of my actions, but 1 thing is im sober today. I dunno what the point is to this post, im not looking for sympathy as nothing said will make me feel better, i think, im just reaching out to process what ive done and what im going to do, and hopefully find out im not alone in my jounrney and thoughts and feelings.
as your journey unfolds.