My son is coming this weekends and is expecting to go to his grandparents. Relationship was getting better after the diagnoses ADHD, which I grabbed on like hey you couldn’t know that. Past weeks been digging on deeper,ADHD is real but the underlying trauma which has a correlation with it as well. So back at being not heard, seen etc. It’s all open and can feel it. Haven’t spoken to them for a while, don’t know what happens if we go. I know that my mom will start with:
Are you back to work yet?
So not e.g. Hey son, how do you feel and how you are you doing? If you wanna talk I’m here, for now I give you just a hug.
Know it is not a good to respond: no mom I’m just touching on my complex trauma caused among other things my upbringing.
Feelings floating around, know. Thoughts as well, can’t remember any more then 1 sentence conversation with my parents just because there aren’t any (turning 50 next month) Any life lessons? Nope. The anger underneath worries me.
My son has a good relationship with them, but he hasn’t got the history with them like I have.
Should I break? it’s not their fault they had their own upbringing. But I’m not good at acceptance, yet I hope.
Just trying to understand. Are you wanting to cut them off because of how the raised you, or how the treat you know and it’s threatening your sobriety? Are they good to your son?
Thanks for your question, helps me with structuring; kind of both, I know my emotions are quit raw at the moment. My intention is not to tell them what I’m working on. It’s my process and internal work. Rationally I can not change them, they are also hurt children from hurt children…I feel that it is something transferred throughout our family. Is still need to pick up some pictures of the grandparents of my grandparents at my aunties, might sound strange to most, but just doesn’t feel right.
Hope treatment will give me some rest and peace, from there on it’s watching my boundaries in my relationship with them. There are some dependency issues between me and my mom. Mostly due to split parent syndrome while growing up, which did put me in a caring position. She never let me go, that’s in the way she talks to me and does. My part is that I take advantage of that. So some bound cutting to do and become authentically me and autonomous.
My son has a good relationship with them. That’s after I made it conditionally: if you don’t start hugging him I cut the ties (that’s years ago). Bit painful know if I see how firmly he hugs them coming from his side. But on the underhand very good to see he does so,
Just came back from a meeting, getting the know the people a bit. Realized how I enjoy the hugs, from my basic education in haptonomy I know how important a hug and how healing touching can be. We humans die literally if that’s lacking.
Have a nice evening
And a free hug if you want it