I’m battling a weird kinda thing since 2021. It’s a functional (kinda ) weekend addiction. I don’t use everyday but if I skip a weekend I feel the urge and I get mad. My DOC is coke.
But what I’m about to share never happened before. I didn’t even use coke. I was extremely drunk after a barbecue at the beach in which with friends I wasn’t able to control the intake.
When I came back home I started smashing everything in the house and I broke a door and some forniture. But I have no idea why, nor I recollect a single thing about it. Ppl around me were scared. Also, I have been told what I did but I don’t remember anything.
Apparently I asked for forgiveness an hour or two after what happened.
This never happened to me, it’s so disturbing even thinking about it.
In my experience these types of things get worse. Never better. Cocaine is an extremely addictive drug. It goes good with booze another addictive drug.
Really glad you’re here and wanting better for yourself and your loved ones.
If you’re anything like me, your brain will try to find a way to convince you that “this wasn’t that bad” and that you can control it next time. But as @JasonFisher said, it doesn’t get better. Only worse. If this wasn’t rock bottom, what will be?
This community is awesome, I hope you read around and find some stuff that resonates with you. We’re glad you’re here!
Edited because “Rick bottom” and “rock bottom” are not the same thing at all
Thanks for replying to this post! Yes, I am surprised it hasn’t escalated in the past 5 years but as you lot mentioned it will only get worse if it’s not resolved.
I had a simular experience. I have never been an angry/agressive drunk, but last two times I got really hysterical and started yelling fuck you to everyone around me. I realise now that I have been holding a lot of anger, so deeply hidden away that I didn´t even feel it. Anger is my most terryfying emotion, so every time I even start to feel it I dissociate from it. Now in therapy I am learning to make tiny connections with it in a safe way.
Don´t know if you relate to this. How do you handle anger in daily life?
Thanks for your kind reply. I relate so much to what you said.
I grew up in an abusive, aggressive and alcoholic family. Since I was a kid, I held a massive amount of anger within.
Just yesterday, funny enough, I was thinking about going back to therapy. The first time I was not committed to change.
To answer your question, I don’t know. I probably don’t handle it at all.
By handling it I also mean the little things. Like being assertive, having bounderies and expressing them, … those can be smaller things to start learning more and more. And than indeed Therapy to help process the anger towards those big injustices you had toe deal with. Expressing anger toward my abuser and family is still a long way to go but I think by feeling the anger towards little things and handling that is a start
I had a similar experience with cocaine and booze experience, only it wasn’t anger, it was just doing embarrassing things I would never have done otherwise. And same kind of thing, festival where everyone was doing it and basically pouring it into me as much as you want for free. I have to say though that was what caused a massive turning point. I realized that the depths of hell I was about to descend into were going to be unbearable if it kept up. I would use the guilt to fuel you to find what stable relationships you have left and build on them a support system around you. It will be extremely hard, but nothing worth doing is easy, cliche as it sounds.
Not sure how you feel about certain public figures, but honestly I found Jordan Peterson’s podcasts and online material to be unbelievably helpful. I know in some circles he’s controversial, but his PhD in psychology was actually on alcoholism, strange as that may seem. His words have definitely rescued my confused mind from the hell of confusion.
I’m convinced you can come back from most any situation. If you stick with it you’ll look back and see all these incredible things you’ve accomplished you never dreamed you’d be able to. Just keep searching for wisdom wherever you can find it. It will all pass and become memories in everyone’s mind.
I appreciate the guidance.