I’m not really seeking emotional support as I’ve never been good at understanding or being receptive to emotions. I rarely find solace in motivational speech. I guess that is because I was long accustomed to intellectualizing shit instead of feeling them and still am, although I know that isn’t a healthy defense mechanism. Hence, I have no idea why I chose the topic. This is just a random late night nagging session, held by a person who looks for critical ideas rather than emotional support even if it hurts. (Maybe trying to have myself judged as I always judge myself, hehe.)
So, don’t take it seriously (or do). I’m just sleepy and saying nonsense (or maybe not). Paradoxical. I love paradoxes by the way. 
Enough talking bullshit to avoid reaching the point.
It’s been almost 8 months than I haven’t used amphetamine present in illegal weight loss pills. Although I am using a psychiatrist pill which contains amphetamine with slow absorbtion. It’s for ADHD and bulimic disorder. Yet, I’m scared that I’m still the same person. I know it’s different. But I can’t stop criticizing myself consciously and unconsciously. That I’m still using amphetamine in a different form and much lower dosage, but I’m using it anyway. I don’t even know if I can call myself clean.
On the other hand, to stop taking the pills is not easy either. I feel like my poor body image (which is mental and has little to do with my body) holds the complete potential to drive me into more destructive begaviors. To go far only to keep my weight low. And also the pills has got me regain the energy to get through the days and do my tasks. Each time I skipped them I couldn’t get myself out of the bed. It ftightens me that it can be a different kind of addiction only under the label of psychiatric medicine.
I still dissociate often, am anxious, self-fucking-critical, and a bit paranoid. I can’t keep healthy relationship with others. Although I have good people in my life, being around them and putting time for them is hard. I’m tired of talking to psychiatrists and psychologists. I feel lost and scared. But I see no path which is better, or say less worse, than the other.
Is it addiction? Is it my mind playing tricks on me? If I stop taking the pills I’m gonna struggle with the lack of energy to keep on my daily life which I don’t know how I can manage or where it might lead, better or worse, worse probably.
I have to focus on my studies and work but these thoughts and the more or less remaining symptoms are still here.
I wish someone could tell me what to do and make decisions instead of me, but I’m a grown-up person who is responsible for their own life, a life which is both unimportant to me and stressful.
Sorry for all the nagging and the bad vibe.
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