Do you know how to feel good? What do you do to feel good? I don’t know how to feel good.
Specifically: I don’t know how to anticipate feeling good. (Like the anticipation that comes from delaying or denying a short-term pleasure because there is a deeper, longer-term pleasure farther down the road.) I don’t know how to delay gratification, how to look forward to things and know that I’ll get there with sacrifice and effort.
I’m not depressed - I’ve explored that before and with a combination of techniques and treatments for my ADHD, and medications for my mild depression, I am good where I am now - but I realized, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now that I’m at this relatively healthy mental baseline.
I lived with the addiction short cuts - “Come here, do this, it’ll feel good” - for so long, that I never learned how to delay gratification to feel good, the kind of good feeling that comes from a sense of meaningful accomplishment (which always involves some kind of healthy sacrifice - it’s like holding off on one thing, because there is a better thing down the road).
I know how it feels to enjoy time together with friends, and I know how it feels to enjoy good quality food and good quality places (camping is a favourite place, for example), but I don’t know how it feels to be in the spaces between those momentary pleasures, the spaces where there is no pleasure in that space - it’s kind of an in-between space - and I need to learn to sit with that, and move towards a larger goal (or maybe even just sit in that in between space itself, without expectation). Maybe it’s not just about anticipating feeling good, but it’s also about living contentedly in those in-between spaces.
I’m going to take some space to reflect on that here in the coming weeks.
what an amazingly thoughtful share Matt, I too ponder often about the “in-between space” and have recently in my new sobriety felt a lot of pull towards practicing being there & learning to understand & appreciate & give it an important role in my life.
i believe that what you said at the end here i think is key: not expecting anything of it, or feeling like we have to make a goal or make something happen - it’s not active, it’s more passive. just like you said, we are sitting with it: sitting, breathing, relaxing, leaning, wondering, learning, feeling, receiving . . . in this space we get a chance to rest into a more subtle state and be present there. it’s so different from how we practice operating most of the time.
so we can practice sitting in those in-betweens, not worry about anticipating, diving deeper beyond the distractions and compulsions on the surface, and be open, curious about what we’ll learn. what messages will come across. what insights or ah-ha’s might arise. i believe it’s a very strange and valuable space indeed!
I agree. I was thinking the same thing today as I was writing my original post above. I think there is a mindfulness and/or meditative aspect to this.
I’ve not made meditation a habit of mine but I think I should make it part of my morning.
I also think finding that “momentary meditation”, that “mindful presence” in the rhythm of the day - I think that will help. I’m not sure what it will feel like exactly but I suspect that if I can slow myself down and just be present in a moment without wishing it was something else, I would feel much more content generally.
So I will do two things tomorrow:
Meditate for 5 minutes in the morning (I will walk around; I don’t like to sit still)
At least once, I will consciously slow myself down in the moment, and notice something about that moment - maybe a sound in the background, a fly in the window, the wind on my skin - and I will be present with that thing, not wishing anything was different
i love this! i am feeling the same way, that this is a very valuable practice i’d also like to include more. i’m grateful for this discussion as a perfect reminder.
Yes, as Julia said, I believe you know what to do. There are just times we exist. You don’t have to think ahead. Just be in the moment. Even the boring ones. Since becoming single 2 years ago, I somehow easily adjusted to being able to sit with myself. Contently.
For instance, yesterday was just another day. I knew my birthday was today but I didn’t think much about it. Having no expectations makes things easier to experience bc in the past I’ve definitely thought up how something was going to go only to be let down when it wasn’t how I imagined. I woke up, said ‘it’s my birthday! It’s my day and I’m going to be happy.’ And I was.
this is sooooo sweet love happy birthday so glad you had a great day
and me being about a year single - and 2 weeks sober - i am also on a crash course of learning how to be content in the pause. it’s can be very uncomfortable still. but it’s wonderful!
Hi Matt brilliant topic, I’ve seen you work immensely hard on yourself whilst becoming a cherished member of this great community these past years and your a very intelligent guy who I will just share an important realisation I have been lucky to find along my journey and you can see if it has a place in your.journey.
I realised that feeling good and being happy are largely irrelevant if I am at peace. If I am peaceful I can accept whatever state I find myself in.
Like I said I don’t know if that may be of any use I will leave that for you mate👍
What if you had no expectations and allowed the gratification to find you naturally? I think as a society we are so conditioned to work toward goals and expectations and seeking out the gratification its difficult to then just be, sit with things and be patient, you dont have to be working toward something but enjoying the journey for what it is…the good and the bad…i feel by being who you are, true to yourself, doing what makes you happy and what you feel is right from one moment to the next is the way forward. Great topic my friend
Thank you for this as it is something I have been pondering. I am always so impatient and unwilling to just sit with the in between moments. I can see a pattern of it extending right back to childhood. You have given me a lot more to think about, and a place to come and talk it through. Thank you
What a wonderful topic @Matt
I’ll be happy to read about your journey and the other sharings.
I don’t have much to contribute. I’m content with my life and find peace, gratitude and happiness in the little daily things: cuddling cats, cooking & enjoying a meal, looking at the clouds in the sky, reading, writing, fumbling around, working on letting go …
Always appreciate your thoughtful posts
I was thinking yesterday I’m conditioned to think a certain way. I think differently to most people and have always known that - but we all think differently I suppose.
How we relate to our friends has an effect on the way we think. I have oversight in most situations and I have learnt to be calm. I sometimes wonder about advice from others as I sometimes selfishly think that they aren’t talking to me. I need to learn honesty and that is a way I grow. Living my life my way is the most important thing and I remind myself that.
This conditioning gives me easy access to a drink and that weighed up with a boring moment even more so.
Hope that is relatable. Being relaxed in social activities and having a laugh is the most helpful thing for me but oh this mind! It is a difficult thing. I guess I’m talented and I have to keep my mind active - the thoughts really do have a tough time sometimes. Anyway, thank you for your post.
Today’s practice is to meditate for 5 minutes in the morning, and to take time today, for one moment, to be in the moment, to notice something around me and to accept it and be with it (a breeze, a leaf, a bird, etc), without wanting to be elsewhere.
I started with this five-minute intention-setting meditation:
I did feel good, both during the morning meditation, and in the moment of mindfulness. I did the mindfulness moment in the car while I was driving. Usually I would listen to something, but instead I spent some time watching the scenery go by as I drove. It was very pretty
More to come. I am sick now - I can feel a fever building - so I will rest tomorrow and also Friday if I need to.
In the meantime, I wish you the present-minded determination of this mother turkey crossing the road. She was singleminded, leading her chicks across the road (while multiple cars waited for her), to get to the richer feeding grounds on the other side. There’s a good story in there I suspect
I guess I’m talented and I have to keep my mind active - the thoughts really do have a tough time sometimes. 
Anyway, thank you for your post. 
