I friended an ex of 20yrs on Facebook before I started my sobriety 77 days ago, so like 3 or 4 months ago. She had gotten pregnant during our relationship, got an abortion, and we never really spoke after.
Curiosity killed the cat
I would get drunk and romanticize about life with her, and what could have been for all those years, still wondering if she actually did what she said she was going to do… 2 years ago I looked her up, she had a daughter that to me looked to be that age, and had features similar to mine… I was horrified. I quit social media. Trying to shake it all from my conscience, I went a year without it. I couldn’t live with myself. That’s when I got back on Facebook, and confronted her. She assured me her daughter wasn’t mine, but from another relationship shortly after her abortion.
I was relieved. But she was heartbroken all over again. She started texting me and calling me on messenger in the middle of the night trying to get me in trouble with my wife. When she realized that wasnt going to work, she backed off. Although it did considerable damage to my marriage.
But now she texts me if I share my sober progress and congratulates me. I’m not sure how sincere she is and at this point it’s getting a bit cringy. I don’t want to be rude, but I feel like if I keep responding, she’s going to think I’m some (op)tion in her messenger app. AND IM NOT, NEVER GAVE HER THAT INDICATION. I told her I just wanted closure and she keeps contacting me. LoL funny not funny
As a self-defense instructor I’ve done quite a bit of research on stalking behavior. According to personal protection expert Gavin de Becker, each interaction resets the clock 3-6 weeks. You might ignore her for a time, but any reaction at all resets her expectations that if she persists sooner or later it will rekindle the romance. At the very least, it means she has your attention.
You opened a door in search of closure. You admit that you’ve spent some time romanticizing, asking “what if”. If you truly want closure, want to eliminate any continued negative impacts on you and your marriage, then honor your marriage. Forsake all others. Close the door and keep it closed.
Block her on FB and any other social media, or better yet, quit social media altogether.
A friend of mine from work who has several years of sobriety told me, “this is why you need a sponsor man” they would have e advised you not to do this because it threatened your marriage." But I needed to know for sure. I’d hate to think I had a kid I didn’t know or have a chance to care for.
But you are right. 0 contact at this point is probably the only option, for my sobriety and marriage sake.
Just to clarify, you looked her up, you contacted her, and now you’re put out because she sends you the occasional congratulations on your public announcements about your soberiety milestones?
That’s not far off base. And why I feel guilty about it, and or blocking her. also why I’m reaching out for advice. Like I said above, it feels like a drunken mistake I’m paying for, and barely worth my peace of mind, that seemed all so important at the time.
You better listen to Yoda Stevie. You got the information you were looking for. She’s not taking no for a no. If it hurts your marriage then it’s not good for you. Block her and change your phone number if you have to. Instead of the ex, concentrate on your wife.
This is something I have found in recovery: my addiction is me avoiding being vulnerable (vulnerable in a healthy way).
We humans have to practice healthy vulnerability, to connect with the other humans around us in fulfilling ways. This is true in all fulfilling relationships that we choose to have, including friendships and/or family relationships.
The trick is that healthy, meaningful vulnerability is scary, and for us people in addiction, we masked ourselves in addiction, numbed ourselves and avoided growing our healthy vulnerability. We escaped life instead of diving into it.
Dwelling on exes or having fantasies about what “could have been” etc etc is, basically, the same as our addiction. It is avoidance and escape. There’s no risk in a fantasy, because you haven’t invested anything: you don’t have anything on the table, so you have nothing to lose. It is, like all addictions and fantasy escapes, hollow.
We have to actually train ourselves how to be vulnerable and intimate in healthy ways. If we aren’t working on growing that healthy intimate relationship and making real investments in the people and relationships we have with us now, then our mind slips by default to our old pattern of addiction and avoidance (which means, in this case, dwelling on fantasies about what “could have been” or “might have been”).
It’s not about her man - that’s the thing. This whole thing is actually about you avoiding where you are now, avoiding your life, now.
You can block her if it helps you - I have blocked people who I struggle to stay balanced with - but remember it’s not about her. It’s about you making choices about what you do (focus on your present responsibilities and opportunities) and what you don’t do (which is live in hollow imaginations and fantasies about what “might have been”).
@Matt thats absolutely what I’m trying to achieve. I’m living in the now. This is me effectively not talking to her anymore. I promised my wife I wouldn’t talk to her anymore, and I’m keeping that promise. I owe nobody but my wife any resolve or response. And as far as fantasies. Man o man do I know the ex was never for me. My wife and I are happy now and I can’t risk that stable ground we’ve been able to reach.
This community has been a BIG deal to me. I need that confirmation sometimes even when it seems so obvious what I need to do.
Literally everything you stated above is why my wife and I quit drinking, to effectively be the best person we could be for each other, because anything less isn’t worth staying married
I did the same exact thing years ago. Change a few facts around a bit - but very similar circumstances. In my sobriety, I came to terms with a lot of things and had to remove a lot of connections from my past to be successful. And that including blocking and removing her. And moving on. It was hard as hell but it was the best thing for me and my path forward.
Thanks @martinezvanburen, heard. And I want to say I think I’ve got a pretty good head on my shoulders. I’ve made my mistakes like everyone else. That being said I had caused myself enough damage, my life was unmanageable, that’s why I quit drinking pure self analyzing and self determination to better. It’s not been mandatedby the courts. I hit rock bottom and grabbed my boot straps. The only person I want to be better for is me, and my better half. That’s not me being selfish.
All I ever wanted was closure from that part of my past. And while I have it, I guess in some way I’m dealing with the fallout or fodder. I didn’t reply to the pm and I think she will get the picture.
I wouldn’t be overly dramatic and block her. After all you reached out to her. Just don’t get into it with her, you know what I mean don’t get personal at all. When she texts you or contacts you keep your responses short af like one word if she keeps going say your busy. The messages will go away eventually and with no drama or confusion. Usually I would be straight up with a woman I’m not interested in, but your case is different. Honestly only solution since you started this contact situation man. Hope that helps. Have a great day brother!
funny not funny 
also why I’m reaching out for advice. Like I said above, it feels like a drunken mistake I’m paying for, and barely worth my peace of mind, that seemed all so important at the time.