This is kind of hard for me to do. I’ve never really reached out much for help. I’ve always been the type of person to solve my own problems. I’ve been sober 22 days. I lost contact with the majority of my family due to drug/alcohol use. I just started getting help and reached out to my sons aunt (the family member he’s living with). I told her everything and was completely honest about it all. I explained how I want to get back into his life. She’s all for me staying sober and getting back into his life but is hesitant about it all and is not sure how to go about starting things off. She’s going to talk to his school counselor on Monday about it all. She said she would consider me writing a hand written letter to him. I definitely want to do it. I’m just not sure what to say. He’s almost 13 and I’ve been absent out of his life for a year and a half. What do I say about the alcohol/drug use. I want to be honest but it’s a tough age to try and describe everything to him. Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone gone through anything like this? Help me out please!
I don’t think I would get into the details of your drinking and drugging. Maybe explain to him that you have a sickness and focus on what you’re doing in recovery. I have no experience here but I do suggest al-anon which has support for teens affected by family members. They probably have it online due to covid. Here’s a link:
Do not make promises you might not or cannot keep. You made mistakes that were hurtful to him. Be sincere. Follow through. Be that father that you want to be and that he would want. Let that be a goal and a commitment for you to stay sober.
Promises made are promises to be kept.
Apologies made are wonderful ( until they become repetitive without behavior change).
Stay clean.You can do it. Put him and your sobriety first. Show him that you are sincere. Be sincere.
Your actions …
Is his mother still alive and do they have any contact?
Keep praying.
Hey Matt, it’s great you’re getting sober reaching for help and have hope to get back in contact with your son.
Consider his needs above all else. He’s already been abandoned by you once. If you get back into his life with flying colours, promising everything will be different from now on, his hopes will be sky high. If anything small or big comes in between what he’ll surely come to wish and hope for, even just not being able to meet a certain day or whatever, or worst case: you relapse, he will be the one to bear the full force of being crushed and abandoned again. He is the vulnerable one here, and this has and will shape his entire life, his ability to trust people, forever.
So do not explain the details of your drug addiction. Your drinking. A child should not have to bear the burden of knowing the details of their parents’ addictions. Keep it simple and say you dealt with life in a wrong, selfish and unhealthy way but that you are learning to go about it better. Make it about him. Explain to him that you regret you weren’t there for him and wish to be so more again. That you are doing your best (what are you doing to stay sober btw?) to get healthy and lead a better life so that you can be part of his again.
Give him time and give yourself time and patience and do everything really slow. You’re 22 days sober, that is so fresh and precious. Guard that with all your might and fight hard to increase this number.
The longer you are sober and distance yourself from your old life by leading a new one, not saying that you are different, the more family members including your son can begin to trust you again and relationships can begin to be rebuilt. Are you in a program, do you have therapy or counselling? How do you go about changing your life? We all have to work on our sobriety. And it’s a lot, especially in the beginning. There is so much to learn. I know I needed to focus on myself for a while, before I could reach out to others in my life. I just had so much work to do.
I hope you become active in this forum, it’s a place full of knowledge and experiences and benefitted me greatly and still does to this day.
Wishing you all the very best for your journey!
Yes, to everything @Faugxh said. And yes to not making any promises. He needs to know you love him, miss him, have made bad choices and are working to make better ones.
It’s also great for him to see that you are asking for help. Not asking for help is something we’ve constructed, as a society, which makes absolutely no sense. It’s counter-intuitive to living a successful existence.
I agree that details are 100% unnecessary. As you write, T.H.I.N.K. Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Important? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind?
I wish you well! This is a big deal.
I have no better advice to give than what has already been said. I just wanted to say 22 days is great and you can be proud. Don’t let anything derail your progress on this awesome path you are on. Focus on your sobriety as it is the key to the better life you are yearning for.
Absolutely love the THINK acronym- TY for sharing that!