So the one thing that has weighed so heavy on my brain since I got sober is it forced me to lose my best friend. She was the bestest friend I think I’ve ever had. But the problem is, she was my drinking buddy and my biggest enabler and my biggest trigger. We went through some traumatic things together/at the same time and we found each other and coped with alcohol. I’ve had some of my greatest moments with her. Just thinking about grabbing a 12 pack and some cigs and going to her house like old times makes me cry and makes me miss her so badly. I want to do that so badly. But I couldn’t be around her all the time. We had a very codependent relationship as well. We were so close it was unhealthy. She thought that when I got sober and started distancing myself that it was because of my boyfriend. She thought I was choosing him over her. In reality I was isolating myself from everyone for survivals sake, not just her. We have never been the same since and I can’t convince her otherwise. Ive reached out since and we keep in contact vaguely. But when I think about hanging with her now, it just wouldn’t be the same. I know her family probably hates me now too and thinks the same thing that I just left her behind for my boyfriend. But I didn’t do that because of him. I had to do it to survive.
I’m just sad. I’ve never shared this with her but idk if I did it would change anything.
I’m sorry yes this does happen unfortunately. I’m fortunate enough to have a friend I’ve known since 7th grade and we are 31 now but always were drinking buddies been through a lot similar to what you’re speaking of. Only thing is that I told him about my recovery and knows I cannot drink in order to save my life. He is a alcoholic still but I never shove my recovery down his throat it’s his choice. He does support me fully and even offers to not drink in front of me him and his girlfriend. But my problem is not everyone else’s problem I either go knowing I’m strong in my recovery that day and will not drink or I am honest and say you know what man? I’m not doing well mentally, ect I can’t go. He just says “do what you need to do to stay right man”. Maybe if you just share openly what you are trying to accomplish she can be supportive. And if not doesn’t sound like a true friend in my opinion. In the end I firmly believe people do come and go in this life. Do what’s best for you.
Thank you for sharing!! I’m happy you and your friend are able to navigate through your sobriety, that is so special I’ve been up front with her about my sobriety and what I need. But I haven’t told her that I can’t be around her while she drinks or that our friendship is hard for me because of the codependency and drinking. So I definitely feel like I should tell her and see where things go! Thank you for sharing that helped me get a better perspective.
Hey! It is really hard to set boundaries with close friends in early sobriety but so necessary. I think you’ll feel better if you tell her why you had to distance yourself so she isn’t left to wonder. Phone calls, FaceTime, coffees might be a great place to start. I’m sure she misses you too. Hang in there. Sobriety and recovery is progressive. You get stronger day by day and things change.
You got some good responses here. I know it can be hard for family and friends when we make such gigantic life changes…especially in those early days / weeks / months when we need to use all of our mental and emotional strength to stay sober. Something can definitely shift in relationships. I know for myself, I have learned over the years that it is okay when relationships change…that some relationships last longer than others…that some it is okay to let go of…others we can work on and help evolve. I did let go of some friendships that no longer felt nurturing, safe or fun. Others I have had to work to continue, and they are different, but still bring us both comfort and happiness.
It is okay to really examine friendships and see how and if they fit within our new boundaries and self and way of life. And it is okay to grieve a friendship if it has run its course.
I probably had the most so called ‘Friends’ the more I drank. A desire to be popular was what led me down the path to abuse alcohol originally. If any so called friend does not support or at a minimum support your sobriety they are empty.
You may feel like things are rocky w this person, but it doesnt sound like something you cant be adults about and fix. If not, and drinking was the only bond, let it go for better relationships. Be blessed.
I hear ya! Going on day 7 for me today. Far from the first time, but the first time I’m trying to do it the right way. Been totally removing myself from situations that are toxic or involve alcohol in any way for at least a couple months. Being around drinking doesn’t make me crave, but it does make it WAY too easy.
Pretty much all of my friends drink and for the most part they have all been behind me on this journey.
Been refusing invites all weekend and just staying busy and focusing on me.
Politely declined and invite on Friday to go out with a couple of my best friends (married couple) and their group. We’re all acquaintances, small town. Declined a couple of times actually and explaind why. Cool? Well by the end of the weekend, they managed to turn their whole group against me. Don’t so much care, toxic crowd anyways. Not triggering me to drink at the moment.
That being said, it makes me tremendously sad because I honestly thought that those two were among my closest friends in life.
IDK, like everybody on this group says, you really do find out who your TRUE friends are!!
On the plus side of things I’ve had a couple people come out of the woodwork in support of me that I never would have expected. So there’s that too
Stay strong and stay focused on the fact that this is about you and no one else. Wish you the best!!Preformatted text
Thank you all for your responses! It’s really given me something to think about. Was the relationship healthy? In some some ways, yes. But there were codependency issues like crazy. She used to get mad at me when I would hang out with my other friends 1 on 1. She thought I was choosing my boyfriend over her, when I really just moved in with him which changes things a little bit. The drinking was our thing bc we both needed a way to cope with the trauma in our lives and it worked for a while but obviously caused more damage than good, in my case and hers! I think I will eventually talk to her about it but I don’t think our relationship will ever be the same. So I have to mourn that.
Hey there, it’s only natural to be sad over losing a relationship. When you’ve held something so close that it has become toxic (codependency is toxic) it’s gonna hurt when you let it go. (Surely losing “healthy” relationships hurts too but that’s not my point here.) It seems like this is the end of everything and you’re missing it. That’s part of mourning. Yet, when it comes to codependent relationships, asserting boundaries is the way to heal. From where I stand it seems your friend had way too much say in your other relationships. You’re prolly right that your friendship won’t be same. It’s sad but it’s also an opportunity to evolve. When you have some more sober time under your belt and are hopefully dealing with your personal issues (the real reasons why you drank) you can look at this friendship with a more stable and mature way. See what is still there when you take booze and codependency out of the equation.
But for now, it’s ok not to be ok. Sending you a friendly hug
I can relate. I had a friend I was very close to when I was younger but it was a codependent enabling drinking friendship. I had to walk away. Now she is friends with my sister and I will probably never speak to her again. I’m fine with that, we are different people now. It slightly saddens me we had so many fun times and now don’t speak but I had to distance myself to save my life and to grow. Everything happens for a reason. My health and life mean more to me than anyone or anything. Hands down.
I get lonely but I am so used to being by myself now I have developed my routine, I have my pets and I always plan ahead so I have projects to keep me busy. My partners drinking is increasing, snowballing. Thank God I have a little time but it’s still sad. Planning is really important for me. It keeps me ahead of the game especially when I know I’m going to encounter triggers.
I’ve been up front with her about my sobriety and what I need. But I haven’t told her that I can’t be around her while she drinks or that our friendship is hard for me because of the codependency and drinking. So I definitely feel like I should tell her and see where things go! Thank you for sharing that helped me get a better perspective.
